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1) Shouldn’t be hitting your partner outside of negotiated play. If you haven’t negotiated TPE where this is an acceptable level of interaction, it simply isn’t on the table, and any unwanted physicality is straight-up domestic violence. If she says “no” and you still do it anyway, you’re violating your compact with your partner and are engaging in highly abusive and reprehensible behavior. This shit is on you to figure it the fuck out and act like a damn adult. 2) If your partner won’t “do what you say” and you have a contract and she’s no longer up for that, either talk about it or find another partner. If it’s something she’s just not into, any amount of force is further domestic violence. But if you’re hitting her outside of negotiated play when she says no, you’ll probably not care about this either. 

3) You don’t get her to do what you want if she doesn’t want it. You can certainly talk about it, openly, non-coercively, maturely. Absent that, you’re not a match and have a whole lot to learn about how to negotiate bedroom politics. INFORMED CONSENT SHOULD BE THE #1 THING YOU ARE FOCUSED ON. 

Once you have that, once she (or he or them, etc.) indicates her boundaries, fears, desires, bright lines, safe words, etc., only then do you have a partner that you can begin to play with. If someone tells you up front during consent gathering that a hard no is on face slapping, and you still do it, you’re not responsible and adult enough to engage in this kind of interaction.