iwannalove

Whatever you think is weird LET ME KNOW. It's up to me to differentiate *boundaries and *judgements. Simples.

If I can't tell what I'm CLEARLY APROUCHING is a simple boundary or a 'put-in-your-place' judgementttttt- I'm going to check. I naturally experiment cos I'm a effing human being of complexity.

This is why I stopped dating in the first place. BECAUSE I'M DOING NICE c h a r I t y COS I FEEL GOOD AROUND YOU, BUT! That is so threatened if you won't tell me anything about what you're about.

I'm joking I'm just too impatient in the meeting of minds, I'm a bitch tryna find the beat, I think I'm clever cos I've learnt everything the hard way sorry. I know I'm a rash. The beautiful smooth one under the skin obviously, in reality I'm the goosebumps.

I can't think of which direction my life will go

I've settled between the space of free will and and the passenger of derailment

I do my best

I do what I can

And I just keep swimming in my own depth through all the bullshit

I hate life on earth right now I wish it were better

I don't even care if I have the car, the man, the house and friendship, family

I care about things I can't help

I care that people are too mean to eachother, too rash and uncompromising

I feel like this is an unforgiving place

You have to forgive yourself here before anybody else ever will

Because in that mean time any amount of debilitated energies will try to shut you out from your growth

It's a struggle in developing, from what I can see around

It troubles me, gets to me, feels like an itch and a scratch I just have to mark

But in tandem with a physicality that doesn't want to budge

And emotionally, I can't see past the present

And mentally, it works before I do

Sensually, I always need a hug

I'm down bad for a moment of everyday

And it's never going to stop

And the reasons why are always fucked up and sometimes stupid and the basis of a preventable consequence

All things could have been prevented in negativity and chaos

They could've been supported

And the bludger towards them doesn't scare me I don't anticipate them

That would be one dimensional

I get happiness from hope that's so spectacular I want it to forever last

No I'm upset, brought to tears over the negative and chaotic possibilities

That is always down to the will and sustenance of a person

I have no effect on an internal compas

If only my positivity will count, you never know when it's instrumental

And my own negativity and chaos

Am I not describing it

In reality it's anxiety, stagnation and a necessity for certainties

I drive myself mad newly, of recent

I felt like this as a girl

I used to describe that girl as cold

Because i remembered feeling so happily content with my actions and I always made sure of it

But my decisiveness in favour of seperation was what I judged later on

I didn't even remember feeling too bad as I revised my actions, just diligent in checking my own accounts

I don't think of myself that way now

It was over a decade of regarding my single digit years that way

No now I feel the same as I was from 10 and below in age

Except i feel inexperienced in this energy

I know why I am the way I am now but

There's a lot confidence that I'd be borrowing instead of embodying if I emulated myself in all the same ways

We'll see what I have to say once I achieve security and stability outside my gilded cage

Since I am certainly privileged by some physical margins

However much I have to dodge the bullet of expectation as I maneuver ever so slightly around it

Anyways the red hot chill peppers made me so sad

It makes me want to stay away from all relationships

Validate them

Illuminate the source

Support them

However.

How can you challenge your authenticity to it's polarity?

Where lays unbridled vulnerability, unreleased and un-reflective.