Does it Matter?

Like ordering a meat Lovers pizza, even though I only like pepperoni on pizza (I'm very picky with deli meat). Not even thinking of getting half meat Lovers and half just pepperoni. And for context, I have many food allergies and we have been dating for almost 3 years. They are not severe allergies, but I will be in a lot of pain with certain things (so I pick and choose what is worth the pain). You think he would check in with me before ordering food, but no. And if I question it, all he says is "Sorry, I like meat lovers" or he likes whatever it is he bought and then shrugs his shoulders.

It seems to me that he doesn't know how to respond to it, and not in a 'i don't care about you' kinda way. It's like this man has never compromised before or had to think of others. Maybe I've been spoiled by my mother, who always got half and half pizzas.

Maybe we aren't speaking the same love languages. I love him so much, and I don't want to leave him. But I'm terrible at talking about my emotions, and I feel like it's almost not worth bringing up.

I did question him about the meat Lovers today, his response was "oh...too late now. You always eat it though." I've had to pick off every other topping each time. I'm not trying to work for my food. And then he told me he bought chocolate lava cakes with it. You don't know this, but I hoped he did. I hate anything that is filled with any kind of filling. I'm big on texture and I will gag if I bite into one of those. Not to mention that I'm allergic to probably half the ingredients. Even though I fucking love chocolate, it's not worth the pain I will suffer.

Stirring up feelings that have no business being stirred. I have enough issues to deal with and you just add more. Haven't you done enough? I thought I had a life planned with you. A future that I was so excited for, for fuck sakes I even married you and you ended all that. Here I am trying to move on, trying to sort through my feelings.

I constantly question whether that's how I want to be love or do I just miss our relationship? Wether I enjoy being doted on and pamper or do I just miss when you did it? Wether I enjoy being constantly told I'm pretty or do I just miss when you did it? Trying to separate myself from my past, from you. I discovered so much of myself during our relationship, that it makes me question whether I am me because of me. Or because of you. The guilt that eats at me when I want something from the new man in my life is insufferable.