Random

so why do you still show up in my head?

why do you creep up on me when i least expect it?

three years ago, i fell in love with a boy. he was no good for me. our relationship was toxic. after 9 months, I finally put myself first and let him go. it was ugly, but my life improved after - it took a while, but it finally happened.

two years ago, i fell in love with a different boy. he was quiet and shy and sweet. we fell in love during late night conversations and secret meetings under the stars. we’re still together. and he’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. we are not perfect - we have our ups and downs. but i still love him.

however, i know he would be better off without me.

one month ago, i began to fall in love with another boy. he has the personality of a star - bright and inspiring and so easy to love. and he lit up my life instantly. but we got too close too fast and made irreversible mistakes and i lost him before i had the chance to know him. what makes me the most sad is that i may never get to know him completely. and that is the saddest thing i can think of because i think he would be revolutionary.

he does not ask for anyone to apologize for who they are. he only wants to make the world a better world. he has so much love in his heart. and he is such a beautiful person. i wish i had the chance to love him because i know it would be an experience. i know he would change my life. and i don’t want to miss out on that chance and risk regretting it forever.

but i promised the boy i have loved for so long that i wouldn’t let myself get close, because this isn’t the first time i’ve fucked up. i honestly just wish he would let me go because i know i’m just going to keep ruining his life and i wish he would let me go down alone. but i still love him and i know things will get better.