What is NVLD to me

Update: I dropped out of uni cause I realised I didn’t want the career path that came with my degree and I was just really struggling academically and then at the end of last year I went back to uni with a different major and it’s been better.

I also got diagnosed with autism last year and my childhood ADHD diagnosis was corroborated.

I think my feelings towards NVLD are complicated. I resented the diagnosis for a long time because it wasn’t straightforward and didn’t allow me the help that either an autism or ADHD diagnosis or both, would allow me to get. It was also all I had though.

I’m still similar to who I’ve been, new diagnosis’s don’t change who I am but time sort of does and it’s been a while.

You can still ask me all sorts of questions and I’ll try to be around. University and life keeps me busy.

I still struggle with the same shit and anything I’ve said before is my genuine feelings, it might not all be NVLD tho, I can’t even begin to untangle where I start and where any of my diagnosis’s begin. They all just are a part of me.

I just interrupted someone in the middle of their work to ask a question that I thought would be easy for them and in fact I already had the answer but was just looking for a little reassurance. 

Of course after a bit they yelled at me because they got distracted and had kept telling me over and over that they needed to focus but I kept asking questions. I know I can be like this. 

But it still hurts when I get yelled at or told to shut it even though I am the one in the wrong and they tried to tell me before. 

So then I feel like crying because I feel like they hate me and idk what to do really. I can’t stop being who I am but who I am is not always compatible with others at all times. 

I also have a deadline to reach this friday and it’s wednesday and I only just started it. I couldn’t get started cause my brain just said no and now I had started but I don’t feel like it again because I was rejected ugh. but it’s okay, I’ll get there eventually lol. 

It was making me reflect on like, how people are like, oh get help at the point that it interferes with your life and causes you to lose productivity. I have a deadline coming and that’s probably why I just shut down today. Everything was too much. 

But I dunno, I feel like I should be able to have bad days without others telling me to get medicated. But then, idk if my experiences are like reasonable or if one day I’m just going to break under stress. I’m never sure if it’ll get better or what better is, what I’m hoping for, I’m unsure. 

I’ll make the deadline anyway probably, as long as I start it tomorrow, but it’s never a guarantee that I will want to work today or tomorrow. 

Today I am having a bad day and I will likely feel much better tomorrow. I’ll never not have bad days and I guess it’s just deciding how I want to handle them. 

But now I don't know if I can be the nvld person because how can I separate my experiences. So yeah, feedback on like this would be appreciated.

To all the kids who didn't have a better way to explain how you saw or did things differently other than, "it just makes sense this way.", "It just didn't occur to me to ever do it any differently than I have been doing it."

To all the kids who felt like they had to try and explain to adults why their lesson plan or choices just didn't make sense.

To all the kids who had someone look them in the eye and tell them their disability didn't matter or wasn't valid.

To all the kids who wanted stim toys or more help but felt like they had to conform to what all their peers were doing.

To all the kids who didn't enjoy change.

Remember that just because everyday may not be as productive or have you as ready to face the day as you want, that doesn't mean you aren't still doing well.