whapohwrites

as i stare into the dark trees that covered the street where you used to park, i somehow felt the jitters when i saw you arrived that night you were already smiling at me, and i can’t help to look down because i’m afraid that you’ll see me stupidly smiling back i kept both of my hands inside my jacket’s pocket because that’s where i put all my resistance to control myself from running towards you few feets away and i can already smell your scent -  scent, that i knew to myself i will always remember  and my brain will always know that it’s yours 

i didn’t know that i would feel this longingness i didn’t even know i would definitely miss you as you were standing & laughing with the rest of the people that i love, i knew to myself that my heart is becoming fuller and fuller every time. i was hoping that they wouldn’t see me smiling that’s why i’m burying myself most of the time with the hood of my jacket oh lord, how can i feel this way in such a span of a few minutes i felt so light, so carefree so..... free so....... me i guess that’s what you made me realize without you even knowing about it the moment you lend your shoulders at me when we got alone and soflty whispered to my ear to sleep, i knew that i can finally rest my jumpy, tired heart you asked me what do i need, i simply told you to buy me a toothbrush and a bottle of water but all i ever wanted was to stay on your shoulders and just...... close my eyes how i wish i could tell you that... i already had my eyes on you the moment you let me drive you around but that’s a whole new side of the story your hugs your scent your hugs your warmth your smiles & laughs thank you for assuring me that i still exist that i’m still okay you may never know how important those hours or days to me and the sad reality that it’s also not as important for you but for me, it helped me a lot to realize that i am already okay you are still important to me as i’ve already told you a thousand times 

it was the very first time i felt whole again i felt complete, i felt at ease i can feel the peacefulness of my heart that was shattered 

it was nothing to them, but it was everything to me 

they are so into their games and there was i looking, staring, watching, them with such admiration these people gave me a new hope these people gave me a new chance

again, it was nothing to them, but it was everything to me

two reds; four heads can i not go home yet? can i stay with them for a few more hours? i don’t want my real laughs to end my genuine smile to end  i don’t want this night to end 

[ part 1 https://whapohwrites.tumblr.com/post/126996702061/an-island-there-were-a-lot-of-memories-that ] 

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I once fell in love with someone that I thought would be my lifetime. He made me feel so alive. Someone I called My City. 

My City was full of life, hope, and fire. The thrill, love, and warmth had kept me going for years. Years that was full of laughter, tears, and memories that no one else can understand. For years I stayed safe in my city that I always called my home. And for a moment God approved, allowed and blessed us. I was so thankful that He blessed me with warmth and peace even though everyday would feel like the last. Me and My City fought, loved and repeatedly chose one another above everything else. It was a routine. A gratifying routine that my system accepted and loved. 

I thought that staying in My City was a lifetime that I managed to bring my family. They loved My City. They were happy to the extent that they took it as their as home to which in most cases they do not often to accept changes. I never thought that they could accept this huge change in their life, but they did. For me. They were happy knowing that it made me happy and gave me a positive mindset. Even though at first, there were little mishaps, but they accepted, took My City as their own.  

We are not perfect. We have our multiple ups and downs but we strongly held each other every time. There were moments that I wanted to just leave. To go swim as far as i can. But I stayed. I chose to stay and let the noise within comfort me in the most crucial way.  I thought to myself, this is just a phase. I need to be stronger than this. I want to keep living here. I want to be here. I couldn’t just give up. I will choose to be here every time. So I always stay even there is a wide open space where I can swim back to. 

It was a 3 years long roller coaster ride of emotions. But never did I regret swimming here. I was overwhelmed, yes. But it made me happy. It made me so happy to the point where I can no longer see myself without my city. Everything within me will always have a part of it. The way I eat, dress, look, even think, it’s everywhere. Every corner, everywhere. 

But one fine day, My City is crumbling down. It’s destroying itself that it force myself to walk away. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to let my city destroy itself. I want to save it. I want to help. I want to fix everything. But no. It was like a big wave of sadness, anger, and hopelessness that washed me away forcing me to leave the city. 

I was so lost and in so much pain. All I could do is to just walk away because my city is forcing and pushing me to go away. I was so hopeless. All I could do is just cry and cry. The pain is so much. Every part of my body aches with the thought of just looking far back is my once so called home is not anymore. 

I forced myself because I couldn’t do anything about it. Even if I want to fix everything and do everything I can, I simply cannot. And that’s the saddest part of all. I had no choice but to just simply close my eyes, drop everything and just walk away. 

And here I am into the open space nowhere to go with only sadness, pain, and guilt inside my heart. Help me. I am drowning. 

Yes you. Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for making me feel that i’m once the most beautiful girl in your eyes. Thank you for continuously being the old you, the one who I met few years back. You, the one who made me laugh, the one who held me close to your heart, the one who made me feel the security I needed. Thank you that you tried to fix me, even though it failed but i’m still grateful for it. Thank you for making me feel that we still have the friendship we had before everything went into chaos into a huge mess. Thank you for having the privilege of knowing you and having the right to be yours, it may not be what i’m expecting it to be, but I guess that’s just it.

I wish you everything you deserve in this cruel world. I wish that you can feel the love you actually trying to give to everyone. I wish that you can feel the happiness that you never fail to bring unto me whenever I feel down and lost. Honestly, I don’t really deserve you. All I can think about is that you’re the kind of person that I would do everything I can do to stop people from hurting you. Because I don’t want them to hurt you like I did. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. For all the sorrow and longings because of my selfishness. Trust me when I said that I never wanted to hurt you in that way, I want to end things with us in the right way but I guess everything just happened. 

I can still remember how you take care of me, the way you hold my hand because i’m so clumsy. I can still remember the words you’ve spoken into my ears whenever I need the comfort. You were my first love and always will be. We may never got the chance to start our own story, but the memories that we created before it even started is something I will never forget. 

Every time we fought over the same issue, every conversation we had to try and fix us, and every time my heart shattered when it happened again, I let you hurt me over and over again because I thought my friend was still in there somewhere.

I overlooked everyone else telling me to cut you off, telling me our friendship would never work after feelings were involved, telling me I was making mistake after mistake, telling me we were being immature, telling me I was better than that.

No, instead I let you hurt me. I let you hurt me over and over again because I was selfish. I wanted my friend, I needed my friend, I craved our friendship. Apparently you didn’t crave me back. Not in the same way.

I can’t have you hurting me anymore. Let’s try being close again, let’s try being acquaintances, let’s try not speaking anymore. We’ve tried. We’ve failed. And now here we are with the same barrier between us.

I give up.

he brings out the worst in me. and weirdly, I think I bring out the best in him.