[wendigohusband]

ive come to realize i act different in the night at this point, i dont know if its intentional? but i do act different it. i feel it in the way i carry myself.

perhaps i really am nocturnal at this point. oh boy. a nocturnal flesh monkey.

the thoughts i have though are more manic and restless. perhaps it is because *i* am restless? im unsure and uncaring. actually, i care seemingly less as the night goes on. the ambivalence grows till' i meet my restless sleep again, and i revive the cycle. least i can know it will return to me faithfully like a bride to her betrothed, but not even she would want my fetid carcass of a spirit that even i call "subpar at best"

truly, depression chases the beauty of man, but i feel as though i am a misnomer, a rare "hornless unicorn". i am without beauty or elegance, and instead i am the "fucked", constantly and daily. perhaps i wasnt meant to be pitied, and neither do i want it.

guess who isnt dead, my little jesters?

now, as your wendigo prince himself, i think i have a weird variant of subjects i might touch on here, ones including my love life! i did pester someone about this earlier but felt it would be a decent topic to just spew at my tumblr that i never use.

the complexities of attraction. random, yes, but i feel it would be good to just kinda go into.

i feel like i have a strange problem with, and thats attraction. or the element of it. in recent years ive read into a dozen books, but one that stood out to me and had me thinking about the more amoral aspects of my person is of course a book about amoralism and its personification, The Stranger by Albert Camus (thank u albert).

i know its a weird awakening to realize my means of attraction comes from a novel about a guy who quite literally just perpetually doesn't give a shit. but its more so it made me realize that my mode attraction to others isnt actually based on ... anything directly characteristically unchangeable!

i mean, i dont really care for gender, or sex, or even if the person im dating is older than me (never will date anyone younger. as someone in my early 20s, thats called "the 'go straight to hell' deluxe special" where im from. i care mostly for if i cannot solve someone.

its a weird feeling. i feel like when i talk to people i really wanna know who they are, what their deal is, what they are--how complicated they are, their favorite things, etc. thats why its been so hard for me to date normally because simply put, im not a normal person, and frankly since my homelessness and depression, it has utterly saved my life. being "normal" is a cage for some of you, so be fuckin' weird. now im not saying go sniff people's seats, im saying just be your true authentic self EVEN THOUGH its weird.

and people think "ok stutter and be cringe". no i mean whole heartedly tell other people your interests and critique them if they judge them if the sole means of judgement is "i dont like it and have never experience said interest personally therefore you are an outsider and weird."

do you like battle for dream island? cool, say it whole heartedly to another person. who the fuck cares.

getting to what i mean to say: I like people who are simply peculiarities and work like this. perhaps its because it is like myself, perhaps i am a narcissist? perhaps i merely have fallen in love with the absurdity of absurd itself? i can't tell you, im just a strange man who likes drawing furries, smoking weed, talking too much, and watching videos about true crime and youtube drama. truth be told, while i am a man surrounded by mystic things, being mundane is often the most crucial aspect of mysticism itself. because being mundane makes peculiarity truly peculiar.

i love this about people, that sentence. that peculiarity is only peculiar because its backdrop is mundanity and life. i love my partner a lot for this reason.

yes, sorry ladies, i have a partner, im a real bonafied lover-boy (blows a very exaggerated kiss. but its kinda gross because i dont have lips. because. im a wendigo.)

shes a mess to decipher, every moment of our conversations and talks it feels as though i cant quite grasp what she's doing or why she's doing it. initially it annoyed me to no end, i truly did feel like meursault in the sense that i carelessness was a comfortable domain that was being invaded by this flagrant human being.

and yet i also crave it, and now more than ever. dear gaia. it feels strange feeling the warmth of blood inside of a body instead of outside of it. i remember the warmth of it in abuse or injury back then, but now i just hope not a bruise nor a scar ever befalls her for my love for her peculiarity is exactly why i still have faith in you restless lot.

it is strange, gaia it truly is. there is no aspect of her nor to any other person i can personally identify as attractive aside from that frustrating complexity. most of these people are one-note "npcs". easy to write off and identify their dialogue patterns (even though i wrote this as though i was a fucking incel, my deepest apologies for your eyes.)

im kind of an annoyance

i just wanna fit in.

i just want love.

i wanna feel like im not cold. every day.

i feel i wanna feel. and yet i feel nothing.

can i borrow a dolla twin

cmon twin is just a dolla

perhaps we are the sudden ambushes and surprises from the middle ages, the ones that require an attuned eye to the footsteps naked and precarious tapping into the wild darkness.

all these deaths for nothing.

i’ll keep climbing this tower. for a heart that denies me, for another half to myself that does not exist here.

five years ago i was psyched out of my mind in bedrotting and thinking of ending it

now the trauma of possibly being molested when i was younger is finally resurfacing

it never really gets better. it only gets worse.

its really no surprise she left—and that all of my current connections are going to leave me soon too. im a reprehensible human being; a maggot that cannot grow into anything but a wriggling worm.

i feed on the kindness and energy of others, all only smart enough to end our bond and cut me out like the leach i am.

i cant-

love either. it feels like i try and i try so hard, but the despair is more comfortable to me. pondering the end, giving up, and surrendering my mind to nowhere is the only method thats worked with the ideations.

maybe the dream really did mean something? maybe there is nowhere for me other than nowhere.

i am. a mystic man. i believe dreams and phrases interspersed twixt the unconscious mind are amicable and equally anti-amicable components to understanding ones self and past.

i think its this life. this life was doomed and haunted already. no matter how far i retreated into the recesses of my psychological faculties, i could not escape my sins, i couldnt escape my past.

perhaps that is all ill be,

some of us were never lucky to me human. the likes of us who watch others humans to feel human. we search for something for which we cannot understand nor access.

im tired. im going to bed. sorry for talking your ear off.

it feels weird saying this, but i miss you—addressed to no one id like to confirm the identity of.

we humans lack the blood of bond and choice—the only one we can decide upon is breathing and waking up. im not all gloom.

reader: if you’re here then you’re just like me. the philosopher’s path. see all and let none be untold, because loving oneself is reward enough. you want adventure? freedom?

get off the internet and live the larger dream.

i had a dream last night that sorta started like how when you go through those “”golden gates”” and the evaluate your life on earth

they kinda just said “so.. holy shit you didn’t do ANYTHING down there. you couldve become the president!” and i was like “yeah i guess.”

later on it weirdly evolved into me realizing that as a friend and human being currently im pretty … listless. i dont do anything intriguing. i had two friends in the dream i was talking to that ive never seen in my life, and weirdly it took a meta turn as they realized that and pointed it out

actually! yknow what! given i dont feel right putting my creative and silly thoughts here and instead put the big sad ooga booga depression stuff here ill probably split it to ANOTHER blog.............. youll never know which blog thatll be though because im just so COOL like that ............................ (ask nicely maybe) (and also be my friend) (please.)

(or not.)

(i mean, this isnt bribery, im no criminal so long as you're no cop. aye ;3?)