Your Friendly Neighborhood Pacifist

...I kinda hoped. 

I should know by now that I can’t be people’s “favorite” and that I’m always going to keep throwing myself and everything I do at people who don’t want me to. People who wish that I’d just do things for myself so they can do things for themselves. Yet here I am, feeling awful and probably making them feel awful too all because I wanted attention and love that I’m not entitled to. 

I’m so lonely. I want someone to love me. I want to feel important enough to someone for them to want to do nice things for me. I know I’m not entitled to people’s love. It hurts. I’m hurting and I can’t do anything about it but wallow silently while everyone else moves on. I don’t want them to know how badly I’m hurting because I don’t want them to be upset because of me. 

I’m just being dramatic and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that I’m like this. I hate everything that I am fundamentally as a human being. I don’t want to be like this. But no one’s ever going to love me the way I love everyone. Not only do I pour every ounce of myself into what I do, but I’d never ask someone to do that for me. I’d feel so bad and so guilty if someone did for me what I do for others.