RAVE NATION

"Die halbe Wahrheit, bleibt eine ganze Lüge"

I don’t recognize myself anymore. I feel like a different person

living with BPD is like holding your hand over a burning hot stove and not being able to move your hand away. the people you love are yelling at you to move your hand but you can’t. some part of you wants to move away from the flame but some part of you craves the pain. you cry but you can’t make yourself move your hand and it feels like every part of you is burning. it doesn’t make sense to those around you that you crave this torture and it almost doesn’t make sense to you. you wonder if you’ll ever have the strength to remove yourself from the pain but you also wonder if you even exist without the fire.

how do i even begin to tell people that the reason im so fucking angry is because i spend 99% of my energy on fighting myself? that im so angry because my brain has never felt normal and it always feels like all of my skin has been ripped off and every step i take makes me want to curl up and sob because it just hurts. it hurts to live, to exist, to be a human. im angry because i feel weak. i should be able to balance my highs and lows and i fucking can’t. but if i tell someone that my primary emotion is actually anger, i can’t expect them to want to spend any time with me. so i hide my anger but not very well because you can only keep anger bottled up inside of you for so long.

the thing about black and white thinking is that sometimes im aware im doing it and i don’t care. sometimes i think my intuition is actually correct; and sometimes it is. black and white thinking, for me, is not that i think about every single situation in black and white. shades of grey still exist for me. but when they dont, and when i go from adoring someone and their company to despising them and rationalizing my contempt or hurt or anger - sometimes black and white thinking actually helps me because it’s almost like i know more of the truth. i might get it wrong sometimes but when i get it right it’s actually due to my black and white way of thinking.

Jeden Tag aufs Neue weiß man das es sich nicht mehr ändert, doch man hofft es den noch. Man lebt nicht mehr, man funktioniert nur noch.