chipped

we are chipped

like glass and paint and teeth

welcome to this blog vent site, where i will ramble about everything chipping away at me.

here are navigation tags, though mostly for me

#i am chipped

- venting about shit that chips away at me

#we are chipped

- reblogs of things i relate to or things of the sort

#kintsugi?

- anything even minorly hopeful, from my own fleeting thoughts and experiences to reblogs of others' ramblings and successes

sometimes chipped pieces can still be put back together and not be worth any less

and it was terribly disappointing to not reap the fruits of our labour. but messing around with the blindboxes was fun. joyful. and i wouldn't get rid of the experience just to avoid the disappointed we got in the end.

so maybe i am starting to understand the meaning of enjoying the little things in life, and smiling cause it happened. and what they mean when they say, "it's the journey, not the destination."

these thoughts feel so backed up by logic, with the past as evidence, like your many failed tries, and the fact that you are in the hellhole now only because of your past choices.

and sometimes the pursuit of getting better is hard because it requires resources. maybe money, food, products, your connections with people. but then you don't deserve to utilise those things because

1. its actually not your money and it could be used for so many better causes and other people

2. who says you deserve to indulge when youve contributed nothing at all

3. products are wasted on you because who knows if you'll really follow through in the end, and again other people could use it more than you

4. you are a terrible person for continuing to use and hurt people, or at the very least waste their efforts when you inevitably fail again. and maybe you are just attention seeking and draining their empathy and energy.

and the less you deserve to use these resources, the harder it is to get better, and the more you will fail and become a worse person with worse habits, and the less you will believe you deserve these resources. or to get better at all.

so much time has passed and i still feel like the same person even though i am not. i was more naive back then. i was a child afterall.

but it makes me sad to know that the kid that was me was dreaming for so much and now i have ruined its chances for anything. i feel bad, and i am sorry. because that was also a me who tried because i wanted a future. and now i am wasting all the efforts of a kid who wanted more.