WBOMM

        There’s a specific soul for every soul in this universe, or so I thought. It’s a spark that the whole world can see, but only you can feel. You’d think you’re dreaming. And maybe for a moment there, you are dreaming, but who’s going to tell you otherwise? Truly, you cant snap out of it. As hard as you try to let go of that bond everything centers itself when your souls collide. It’s that breath of fresh air that you didn’t realize you needed until you took it. 

Endless phone calls won’t make him answer you. He isn’t worried about you. He isn’t going to call back either. You have to make up your mind. Are you sticking around for someone who won’t come through for you, or will you let go of something that has

My words are short bcuz I’m scared that he’s going to leave again. I’m scared that I’ll get close, and then he’ll leave me questioning myself. He said it himself. I don’t listen to him. BOIII!! frankly, I don’t listen to anybody! My mind wanders.

It wanders so much It ends up lost in a cave somewhere in India, trying to dodge a stampede of elephants. And how in the hell did my mind end up in India is beyond me! Guess I was just trying to make sense of something based on the lack of words that we exchanged. 

Think about this..

The world we all know today hasn’t been around for too long. 20 years ago we were in the year 2000 and the internet was blossoming right before our eyes. People still communicated through hand written letters and we didn’t have to call or text someone when we had arrived to their homes. We had the liberty to just knock on their front door and be greeted or welcomed into homes with smiles on our faces.

Now let’s take it back ten years prior to that. We’re in the year 1990 and The Genome Project is barely stating strong facts about the human body. That’s pretty mind blowing if you really think about it. To have such small knowledge of our DNA system —after how many years of civilization? We’re about to find that out in just a second. But, see! That is only 30 years ago! And for us millennials, 30 years has gone by faster than lightning. 

So this is me bringing it back to life.

He measures his words now before he loses control bcz

He doesn't love me.

He rather keep me guessing, and keep me at suspense, while I'm trying to escape my own thoughts bcz

He doesn't love me

He will find a flaw in me that will make him wnna drown, but chooses to stay afloat saying he's better than that bcz

He doesn't love me.

His heart will walk away while kissing me, letting my lips stroke his ego bcz

He doesn't love me.

He will sit at home reflecting on ways not to doubt himself. Somehow finding the right words that keep him from letting such a good one go BCZ

He doesn't love me.

He will wait, until his feelings for me start to fade away so he doesn't lose momentum. While I'm still falling for him. Bcz

He doesn't love me. 

My soul will feel him detach himself, right when I just strapped myself in bcz

He doesn't, Love me.

He lies through his teeth saying I'm the love of his life just to keep me stable for the next two days before I completely lose it and confront him with his own reality BCZ

He doesn't...

He will be tormented by my softness, hoping someone else will tip toe around his heart the way I did bcz I'm cautious of the love that I awaken. All bcz … He just..

He will leave me broken,

shattered glass on the floor expecting cuts on his body bcz 

okay now, seriously!

Whyyyyyy does shame have to continuously anchor you? WHY do you dwell in the things that don’t belong to you anymore? WHYYYYY do you feel the need to run back to feelings of gratification when you hold the power to gratify all of your endeavors?

That is to hold hostage something or someone who truly didn’t even know you. And possibly never will. Now, the battle of the mind is a great thing that will take you places you don’t ever want to travel to. And knowing this alone, will also put you in great danger. It will give you a hard time when you’re just trying to reach what seems to be unachievable to the regular person.

AYE! You ever think so dang much it just comes out in clouds and the clouds just evaporate with no words left for you to scribble down? It’s like gibberish but you’re just like : “YES!! THAT’S EXACTLY IT!!” What I meant to say is that I actually don’t know what to say. But i sure do know what it is I feel. And what I feel, feels very familiar. BUT IT’S BCUZ I LET IT HAPPEN! Can’t no human ever tell me what to do. CLEARLY! SMH! How horrible is that? I DO THIS TO MY DANG SELF! Like 702 once said: “get it together.”

      There’s a specific soul for every soul in this universe, or so I thought. It’s a spark that the whole world can see, but only you can feel.

You’d think you’re dreaming. And maybe for a moment there, you are dreaming, but who’s going to tell you otherwise?

Truly, you cant snap out of it. As hard as you try to let go of that bond everything centers itself when you're together.

I fear your absence because that is where I lose myself.

Ive never felt more at home then when our souls collide.

Warm silence that soothes the shameful agony of my past.

The silence that never ends, suddenly whispers.

Whispers that turn into yelling, begging for my life.

“TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!”

She wants me to take back my life.

But does she not realize that her life is lost somewhere in his limbo?

Selfish.

Your hands on my face, and I let you breathe my air.

You enjoy it.

You enjoy it because it’s mine And you know that it feeds into your masculinity.

Masculine veins that haven’t oxidized.

Feed me lies so sweet, I could bathe in them.

And I do.

I bathe in them.

And I enjoy the feeling of betrayal on my flesh.

My bones soak up the toxic fumes and reflects on an overdose..

Long nights, lonely cries.

Was the start,

The beginning of my days.

Ripping out something that never belonged to me.

Somehow found its way, rooted into my spleen.

Turned to gravel, what was my self esteem.

Self

Harming were the actions I chose to stand my ground.

To be acknowledged by your sickening schemes to praise me.

To love me.

There's a purpose for every action.

Riots, protest, gang violence, those are all just examples. 

Mine just so happened to become my main attraction.

          May 2010, I walked into my 2nd period English class at a brand new school. As I was leaving all my friends, who will most likely graduate without me I was very confused as to how I got to this point. I sat down in an empty seat at the back of the class (per usual), set my backpack down, and looked at the board. There was a quote written on the board. Mr. Giordano handed me a composition notebook and introduced writing to me in a way that would change my life forever. From that day and on ‘Quote of the day” would be my favorite part of school. 

Writing soon became my escape. I never really understood why I couldn’t get words out when I needed to say something. As soon as the knot in my throat started to fade away I began to write letters to the person I needed to talk to. Not knowing what was behind this was my anxiety trying to get the best of me. That is why these days I write to sort out my feelings. This past year alone has changed me drastically that I decided to document everything from this point on. I know I'm not the only person who's experienced permanent change, but this is brand new to me. It's changing me in every aspect and it's a beautiful thing. To strip ourselves from the toxicity this world has thrown at us and learn how to use the experience to awaken us as individuals. Now that's growth! And I hope to document every single part of my journey.

            This blog is dedicated to growth, individualism, love, and healing. I was sitting here thinking of ways to start this process, but I couldn’t think of anything, so I'll just go with my gut instinct and just write. As days go by I will continue to introduce myself, but for now I'll leave you with this.

My name is Hania Joy, I'm a Mexican/Salvadorian 26 yr old entrepreneur, musician, artist, photographer, and lover of all things Jesus. I am the only child of Mirella Franco Noguera. And like many families, my family has gone through a whirlwind of emotions and struggles. But we hold it down for one another. The generations before me have seen my soul lose its essence and recalibrate it again. Now it's my time to share my story. I'm not necessarily looking for an audience, I just want to write and share my innermost thoughts and feelings in hopes that maybe you can also find your way out of whatever it is that's holding you back from being the best version of yourself. I also want to give a huge #ShoutOut to one of my favorite artists of this time, Amir Mohammed El khalifa, or better known by his stage name Oddissee, for inspiring me to write shamelessly, and put my art out for the world to see without fear of who's listening or watching. I will do my best to write as audacious, wreckless, and eloquent as possible. To look back and be glad you stumbled upon this. May my words make you uncomfortable enough to move you from any negative routines that we tend to create for ourselves, and finally let that manGo girl! He ain't good for ya! But you'll learn in due time. 😘

May this be an open and safe place to regain your strength and learn to love again.

And with all of that being said, I Welcome you to the Back Of My Mind.

Slowly coming to conclusions from a place of anger won’t keep you from feeling empty inside until you stop masking your emotions.

so here I go trying to rip this bandage off with no REGERTS!