this station is non-operational.

Snow happened today. Luckily I didn't have to drive in it. She's been chilling (literally) at work the past couple days because: I didn't want to drive in holiday traffic, snow or a mixture of both. Plus the whole anxiety bullshit is back. All because of stress in other areas of life. Live in fear at home, at work so why not the car too. Which is beyond aggravating because I had just gotten comfortable with driving again. It's the stupid landlady saga again. Nothing more from her since Wednesday when she flipped out. Except her church brought by presents for the boys, the ones she tried to play off as she was buying. Ugh. Still beyond worried/stressed. Still wanting to get the fuck out if here and away from her as soon as possible. Jan 2nd isn't far away. Even tho I'm pretty sure she can't just throw someone out without legal paperwork I worry. I don't trust that the law is on our side because we don't have money. She does. Or she plays it off like she does with her snobby better than you attitude. I don't want to deal with any sort of confrontation. Blah. Blah. Blah. Just really down this xmas. We should be in our Brazil house with presents stacked around the tree. Hanging out with our pals waiting on morning. Instead those pals betrayed us over the lies and bullshit of some dumb cunts. And here we are struggling. The depression is getting much worse for me, the outbursts from J are getting worse. Something has to give. Somethings got to change. This is not the life I wanted for my boys, my family. We deserve better. The biggest revenge is success.

Winter time is the worst time. Especially this year. We are 5 days from Xmas and I've managed to get nothing yet for anyone. Except one small gift for Way. So I at least have to find something for Spence. We plan on telling them the sleigh broke down before getting to our house. And as soon as it's fixed he will make a special delivery. That's really the least of the worries even tho it still beyond sucks. Today's the day the shit will really hit the fan. Our psycho landlady knows we got paid this week and I get paid today. She will be around. Probably by his work then my work. Because she doesn't seem to grasp tenacy laws. We've told her multiple times we cannot afford this place and will not get rid of our pets as they aren't pets to us. They are family. Just start the evict so we know how much time we have. But she refuses. Throws the religious shit in our face. Claims she wants to help us and work it out. Even tho I've been against this because I don't trust religious wack jobs. J unfortunately fell for it so as she requested we have her what we had. And it wasn't enough so she proceeds to come by my work and lecture me and tell me were going to be homeless, going to lose our kids. I should leave J and get assistance. There's no way our last house was as nice. And it was I mean everything was actually brand new and replaced unlike this place where everything is still trashed from previous tennants. Not to mention our fucking heat does not work. Then goes on to say "but I'm sure you're used to struggling around xmas". No bitch. Our last 2 xmas we had our tree hurried beneath the presents. Then says no one will rent to us. We're never going to make it anywhere. Gahh. I'm lost. My check wasn't enough. Plus other bills. I can't take much more. Almost time to start waking J. Just going to have him take me to work. I can't handle the added stress of driving today. Plus after the repo last week I'm don't want to risk dejavu. Hopefully he doesn't get mad. Today is just going to be a shit day. I already know. Something has to give like asap.

Blah blah blah. Going to chill with Mary j some snacks and That 70s Show.

Happy Halloween. More like not so happy Halloween. - the boys never got costumes due to lack of funds from the move and shit. - the weather wasn't ideal - I didn't even dress up for work and usually I dress up to some extent every holiday. It just didn't feel like Halloween. Maybe next year.. On a lighter note: the pumpkin picture is one we accidentally grew at our old house. Apparently we just thru the previous years pumpkin guts in the yard because low and behold we grew pumpkins. Only this one survived the move unfortunately. Just wonder. Had everyone not hated me, had everyone not came at us. More than likely because I'm a bitch. Ugh. We'd still be living in Brazil. Doing our thing. Paying off bills. The boys would have had costumes and I'd have braved the weather to go trick or treating around town. A town I knew with people I knew from coming into cvs. We wouldn't have been happy tho...as in J & i. We'd have still fought over his friends being around all the time, which wasn't so much a big deal at the end because dummy had a gal. We'd have fought over his spending habits with said friends on the weekends while I worked. Which felt unfair to me even tho it made sense because those are his days off. He can't not enjoy them because I had to work. I'd still be fighting for my best friend back and only making it worse. I don't know. Just bummed about Halloween. No costume pictures this year. Nothing but a few decorations. And home sick for a place that isn't even my home town. But I felt at home there. More so than Martinsville or Terre Haute. And here just don't feel like home yet...maybe because we're renting as opposed to buying. And I feel like this is just a over paid hotel stay basically. Like this is not my house. Ramble ramble ramble.

Random selfie for a random post about my random ass life. Finally had the balls to drive to work on my own. And other than it being insanely uncomfortable and nerve-wracking, I managed to succeed. Maybe J just made me nervous when I drove with him because I'm always desperate for his approval. Or maybe because I can drive how I want on my own even if that means a tad bit slower and I use the brake a lot. Still super anxious about it tho, already in slight panic over tomorrow's drive. Less than before because I know I can do it now. Opening again tomorrow. And we're even more short staffed now so I'm not sure how all of this is going to work. And I feel like a huge dick for not staying later today when I could have but was super anxious about the drive home and just wanted to get it over with at a time I thought traffic wouldn't be so bad. Ugh it'll be after 4 tomorrow when I go to leave which could potentially be a high traffic time. Considering it's also Halloween. I definitely should be attempting sleep but I'm eagerly waiting on J to get home from his first night at work. His shift was suppose to be 2 to 10 but here we are at 11oclock and no J. Either he stayed for some overtime which I find hard to believe since you can't smoke there and I know he'd be heading to the door first chance he got to burn one. Or he stayed over talking to and brown nosing with the big shots. Who knows. Tho I might lay down till he gets home. Hmph. No rest for the wicked. Feeling run down and just blah. I don't even know. It's awful and uncomfortable and probably just season depression bullshit. Because it's cold. And gross. Oh life. I just need a sleeepcation. For a few days.

Or so it seems. Life has been beyond fucking hectic. And it's a long nauseating story on my end because just telling it makes me want to fucking puke. Long story shory: some bs came out of the dumb bitch I had warned J to stay away from. Everyone turned on us after this bs lie. J couldn't face work anymore and the fake ass fuckers there. So we moved. An hour and a half away. Closer to his family. Anyway I got a transfer out here with work. And it's a distance away on main roads in a large city so I'm nervous as fuck. I've only drove the route twice with J as a passenger. Both times were awful. J says I'm hard on my breaks....and I did slam on the breaks to avoid a YELLOW light. Needless to say not confident at all. And J started work yesterday but I was off! Tomorrow I am not. Fuck. I am terrified. And frustrated because I want to drive and explore as well as go to work and have my car but I'm beyond frightened. I feel trapt because of this goddamned fear. Womp Womp