watermelon

Dirty dishes.

I really don't like washing dishes. I am one of many people who doesn't like doing it. I dislike it so much that whenever I see it on the sink, I remind myself to use paper plates instead lol.

but after the holidays, I had a shift of perspective. I realized dirty plates show abundance — it means people are fed because there's food to share. not everyone is privileged enough to have food on the table. dirty dishes means everyone is full and can sleep peacefully without a rumbling belly. it also means love was shown and given — the food was meticulously chosen and prepared so that their loved ones can enjoy the meal. everyone is blessed with the gift of time — we don't know how long we will be on earth. our breaths can be taken in a glimpse, anytime of the day. thus, not everyone can share their time with you. so the fact that someone chooses to spend time with you and share a meal means you're someone worth spending their time with — you are valued.

so what the hell, just wash the goddamn dishes.

January 12th.

as I grew older, I have come to a realization that love can never be enough. you can like or love someone and still accept that not everyone can reciprocate what you can give. and sometimes, you can love someone and know that they don't have the capacity to love you the way you want to be loved and that's okay.

I guess that's the beauty and cruelty of healing. you know so much, you are no longer settling for anything. you value and protect yourself because you've learned so much from everything you've been through. you love yourself enough, to choose what's best for you. because you know, that life is too short and already hard, why make it harder?

but here's the thing, at some point in our lives. our healed self will meet someone whom we're willing to break the walls we've built and ignore all the 'red flags' we saw. they would do anything to hurt us or sometimes they don't do anything at all but you just like them so much, that you're willing to give up everything just so whatever it is or whatever you have works. even though you already know deep inside, that they are not capable to love someone like you or they just simply don't feel the same way you do.

you know you deserve someone better, but maybe that isn't the point. I have read somewhere that maybe the point is you just want them, nothing else. you don't want someone better, you just want them to be better. a thought of 'why can't you just be better for me' lingers. you want to be seen, appreciated, loved, by them and no one else. but here's my take, maybe, the someone we're looking for is us — ourselves. we know we deserve better, so we need to make better decisions for us. yeah, it sucks that we can't make someone the person we want them to be but it's okay. it's not our job to mold them and teach them. you cannot change something that cannot be changed and you cannot control something that's beyond your power. our job, is to walk away in situations like this.

we will walk away not because we're not getting any younger and we need to make better and adult decisions, but also because we love ourselves enough. what do you do when you love someone? you give them what's best, you take care of them & you protect them. so you do it for yourself too. stop giving others the benefit of the doubt. once you start feeling uneasy and question everything, or you feel something is off — you walk away and never look back.

I guess the reason why our healed self meets someone like that, is our universe's way of testing us if we really learned what we need to learn before we get rewarded.

so here's to walking away, here's to better decisions.

but is there really anything meant for us? how would we know? was it really meant for us or we just try to believe that it is? was it really not for us or we just don't know how to handle and keep it when it was given to us? I may sound really crazy by being stuck between being religious and non-believer, but sometimes I can't help but think that maybe we are just tricking our minds so we can feel better when something doesn't go as planned. we try to convince ourselves that there is something bigger & better planned for us — that every thing we lost and every thing that happened will be worth it. but is there really a reward waiting for us after all the sufferings? is whatever this is just like grief where we try to believe anything because we want to comfort ourselves? we disguise things as blessings, because we hope they are. then when it happens, we believe that it was the will of the Almighty, but sometimes isn't it just because of the power of manifestation? I apologise to the Almighty but sometimes I just have these crazy questions and sometimes they don't make sense, but sometimes they do for me.

but despite those questions, I still have this crazy belief that everything will really work out. I try to be appreciative, I try to always look back to compare, analyze and learn from every season of my life. that makes me somehow alter my perspective even just for a brief moment. I'll feel better, I'll get to enjoy things even just for a while.