gezellig

as much as i wish all the time i knew more abt u now, its none of my damn business. i dont have plans to go look for u man or try to fuck u over or anything. for a long time i did. i just hope you stay healthy and happy or at least doing what you want.

i agree with u at this pt that i deserve to have my shit kicked in. it would teach me more than most things, maybe. legit… not that im gonna go all zucc and py a homebum to maul me. i just.

well i forgave myself or processed things somewhat. and sat in my truck as grief rolled over and thru and i said to u that cold dawn, listening to birds. weeping and grateful and utterly devastated, that im sorry. i felt the energy of sharing space with you as if you were actually there, if only briefly. feeling raw pain and anger and hatred and fear empathetically with the you that had to be around me. i cried and cried and apologized, and for probably the first time knew what i was apologizing for. and also really meant it. there is no measure to the depth of trauma and the effects of abuse. there’s nothing i can do now about u and me except never fucking do what i did again to anyone.

panic attacks at your name or whatever, a memory… far fewer now, if you appear in my thoughts now i just smile to you and send you warmth if i can… or at least remember and acknowledge evrything and check any trains of thought that are malicious or toxic

you told me once, or more than once - love is an understanding, rather than a sentiment or emotion

i understand that you are humyn, you are godlifelove, or whatevrr you wanna call it. you can be mean but that does nothing to shrink your heart or goodwill towards life. i understand that i have deeply and irreperably hurt and disrespected you. i understand that you never have and never will owe me anything. that i took and asked far too much - and i took without asking. and that is (obviously) pretty fucking far from ok. i understand that i need to leave you alone. i will love you always. i do. please take good care of yourself (i know you will).

farewell,

your bastard child