ᴡᴀʀᴍ 4 ᴡʜᴇɴᴇᴠᴇʀ

Welcome to the blog. This is my personal public diary and scrapbook. All interactions and questions are welcome as long as they are respectful.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you all. I'm sorry. I want just to go home. I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore. What did I do to get sent here? Why am I a fictive in someone else's head and body? Why do I have all these feelings now This was never supposed to happen! This was never supposed to happen! This was never supposed to happen! I don't know what's happening! How to do any of this! I didn't plan anything that is happening! What do I do??? I do not know how to make this sound polite or structured just please someone answer me. Why am I a fictive!?

If I decide my memories I have to accept that my entire family probably thinks I am dead. And that I probably am. They probably had a funeral. They filed me as legally dead. Maybe there were weeks of looking for me. What if there was a body they found and had to cremate? There probably was considering I am in a different body now. I keep imagining everyone at my funeral, even though I really do not want to. I know who cries openly and who just stares into space in total shock. I feel so guilty for all the pain my disappearance might cause but also like they would do better without me. What was my body wearing when they put it in the coffin? I sincerely hope it was something traditional or my regular clothes because if it was a suit I have to consider that the profile picture on the one place I can freely spill all my disgusting saccharin emotions is some kind of subconscious nod to it. I feel sick typing this. Not metaphorically, my empty stomach has started churning and my skin is growing hot. I hate thinking about this but I have to get it off my chest.

As time goes by it gets harder to avoid my source material. The day will likely come when I will have to decide whether this is something I am okay with having tied to me forever or if I want to move on. I have addressed before that while I find it embarrassing and uncomfortable on the whole there are parts I love. Martha Root's activism, David Yost's courage, Alex Heartman's anti-bullying work, and countless children made incredibly happy. That is something genuinely wonderful. And then we get to fandom perception. I have a love hate relationship with the handful of people who really like me as a character, mostly because they see a version of me I have no idea how to feel about. On one hand I feel objectified in bizarrely dedicated ways. Reems upon reems of fanfiction exists with people making characters to vicarious connect to me. Or rather to a version of me that barely exists. One who's emotional repression is either non existent or layered in broody aestheticism. One who's protective and not possessive. One who has not hurt anyone for reasons other than setting the world right. I have read online that this is because I was attractive enough to spark feelings and underdeveloped enough to project onto, also my preference for both sexes definitely plays a role. But surely there must be something more to it? Something about me genuinely enticing? Somehow I don't think I would hate it if I was on my own terms. If I could figure out what that part is and preserve it, I would wear it like cologne whenever it suited me and wash it off as soon as I changed my mind. And sometimes I imagine how equally violating and liberating it would be to just be that version.

I should not admit this but sometimes I fantasize about making myself into a singlet (non plural person), and I am not by any means the host. I have been here just under a year, my anniversary is in August. Obviously I miss having my own body and being fully lucid all the time, everyone in here does. And on occasion I fantasize about ways to get rid of the others, especially since Nathan told me if he ever disappeared he would want me to take over. I would never do it. Ever. Firstly for moral reasons, any form of needless killing is wrong, also goodness knows I would hate having to interact with the world and the people in it that much. Yet somehow in my most private moments I imagine being the only one in this body. I know exactly what physical changes I would make and what kind of job I would get. The transition would inevitably continue, because I am a man and that is final. I would cut myself a fringe, then relax and bleach the messy black proto-mullet until it looks my real hair. I would cover his tattoo and take out the lip piercing and start dressing differently. Maybe not the exact way I used to. Lately I have been wondering about experimenting with the whole goth thing, but that might be an option. I do not have any desire to entire the disgusting bars or nightclubs in this dreadful city, especially not without Nathan ready to throw hands with anyone who touches us, and there aren't any goth or even remotely alternative bars here but I understand that is part of it. At the very least I am starting to develop the right music tastes and enough brooding "dark emotions" to justify such a consideration. I know my boyfriend would not let me away with getting rid of or repressing the others, but if I could have him all to myself I would. I could be the one to meet his friends and parents, to be the one he introduces as "Jayden, my boyfriend". I could befriend his friends, blend into his group like a regular partner and not some strange secret thing attached to his original boyfriend. The one who falls asleep next to him without having to worry that someone else will wake up next to him. I would get a job that requires as little human interaction as possible. Maybe something I could do from home. An office job or a library would be perfect. Then every night I could go for long walks on the beach and listen to And One and Sisters of Mercy, and smoke Marlboro Reds on the beach under the stars. Alone and free and maybe even happy in an empty mind that's mine and mine alone. But that is a terrible, terrible thing to even consider.