That’s it. That’s all.

Nothing new.

Wow, I can not remember the last time that I was on here. But I need a safe space to vent, that's not my journal, that feels pretty stale. Okay so let's jump right into it, life updates:

My dad has pancreatic cancer, stage one. I truly believe in the depths of my soul that he is going to be okay. I just trust that much, and if all else fails and he goes, I will celebrate the beautiful life he lived and mourn the relationship he never had with my children, his unborn grandchildren. But I just have faith. I just do. But I am still praying.

I am in love with this amazing man. But there is something missing, I just haven't figured out what yet. Well, actually I do know. fun, fun is missing. He's everything I could have prayed for, but when I look at him, I see a husband a father, but I don't see or feel like I am talking to a friend. And that part breaks my heart, because all I have ever wanted in a marriage is to marry my absolute best friend. So ... I don't know. We aren't engaged yet, and this is something that can be prayed about, so I'll pray.

I'm the Children's Ministry leader at church, and I really do enjoy it. It's just time consuming and requires a lot of my brain energy, and these days I feel like I have less and less of that to give away. However, I do love it, it allows me to be creative and young spirited. I just wish I had more help, that's all.

Work is work. That's it, that's all. I like my job a lot, I am just a tired lady.

I am working on a book, I am really excited about it. I know that this is going to change lives and mine as well. I will get to speak to women all over the world and God is going to get the glory. I'm excited! The future looks bright and everything that I claim to be "impossible" is very much so possible.

In 16 months, I will be a home owner. I don't have all the details just yet, but I know what I know and I know it will happen. I've gone back and forth many times in my short life, imagining buying a house alone and then dreaming of one day, shopping for homes with my husband. But as it stands, today I am 31 years old and I want a house to build a life in, with or without a him.

It will probably be a fixer-upper but with extremely good bones. Something that I can make my own, I want a home with character. A home that tells a story, even if it's not a pretty one.

I have spent a few years, desiring relationship and marriage to the point of self abandonment and self destruction. Today, I am standing tall, healed from many traumas, and okay with however the story ends.

I can't say that I fear "never getting married" or "having children late" - what I am afraid of is running out of time. You know, some couples had 50 years of love and life between them. I feel like I'll only have half of that, or we'll be too old to really embrace the moment. I'm afraid that I'll have a child at 35, 40 and by the time they're 20 - I'm 60, sick and exhausted from years of overworking and under-eating. So if someone asks me if I think it will never happen, I believe it will, I just think I'll always be wishing I had more time.

So I can't control how long I get to love and live with my husband or how long I get to love and embrace my children, however I can control getting out of debt and buying a house. So that is the goal, that is the plan.

I’m the one that opened the door. God this, God that.

Then I dragged it.

Eventually I stepped away. Maybe he beat me to the punch.

Point is, was God ever in it? Or was it the other guy, or even myself.

Yeah, I got “closure” but was it worth it…

I asked for the door to close, it was too much. It was closed. But now…hmm

I said I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was locked in.

That was a lie.

Will I treat my husband like this? Run the moment it gets heavy? Run the moment my ego is bruised? Run at the sign of offense? Run, instead of talking…

B, that was not your … just a blast from the past.

Really? Yes.

Sorry to the both of us, maybe in another lifetime.

Sorry, you don’t ever have to say it but I can see the emptiness of your soul in your eyes. God will restore you, it’ll take some time but eventually he’ll restore you. You’ll grow to love, she’ll be beautiful - your daughter, your son beautiful. God will bless you. I know he will, I’m praying.

I will never forget you. You’re not an after thought.

You meant something to me, you mean something to me.