displaced.

<3

I feel like a  hollow block. 

The apparent concrete exterior stores NOTHING inside. The emptiness that I feel is puzzling. I want to be where I am. 

But why does it feel like there’s a big hole punched through my chest? DO I NEED THIS? 

I probably cut the hole myself, just like I always do. Good job, Yang.

-----------------------------------------------------

Perhaps I know what my problem is: inspiration overload.

I am easily overwhelmed.

I feel like all the possibilities suddenly gushed through me like a sweeping tide, in a bad way.

My fiance has been talking to me every day like a child psychiatrist, trying to help me figure out what can alleviate my sporadic moments of depression.

“What do you need? Do you need supplies?”

“No, I have everything here. My supplies are more than enough and this studio is perfect.”

“Do you want a book?”

“No. I know how to do it and improve on my own. Or I can search more on the Internet if I need to.”

“Well, how about a book just full of stuff for inspiration?”

“No. Please no - no more inspiration for me.” 

There is just too much inspiration available all around but nothing can motivate me to act. It causes this overwhelming pressure and paralyzes me.

I have been getting what I have always wanted for the past few months: the time and freedom to finally do what I want and pursue my dreams.

Until I realized spending years trying to break free has made me dependent on the previous status quo. It got me confused with what I really wanted to begin with.

I finally have an art studio. I have 24/7 all to myself. I do not need to worry about paying for shelter, for food, for supplies. Everything is served in a silver shining platter.

This is the time I’ve been waiting for. This is the time to wake up from my sad slumber.

Wake up. Wake up. It’s time to leave. It’s time to LIVE.