I keep misplacing my toothbrush and forgetting to brush my teeth. I smell. I don’t know when I had a shower last. I hate my hair. I hate my everything.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even post this on my main tumblr so someone could even reach out to me and help me. My twitter has been breached by people I know irl so I can no longer post there

I don’t know if writing anything will help but I feel like I need to write something because I feel so very lost. Within myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t go a day without waking up or going to sleep crying. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been sick for 26 years and it’s not getting better, or easier, I’ve not “found myself” or “grown out of it”. Things just keep getting progressively harder, I just keep getting sicker, the pain just increases every day. I don’t know how to get it out of me and get myself back. Sometimes I feel like maybe I never was myself but someone else because I can’t remember a day where I haven’t deep down not wanted to be here, going back to childhood.I don’t know how to enjoy things again. I try, mainly for the benefit of others because I don’t want to worry them even though right now I need them more than ever. I don’t know how to switch my brain of for 0.5 seconds so that I can just breathe. Not worry about the world and just breathe. I’ve smoked so much weed over the years because I hate the fact that every morning I keep waking up and my life is the same and that same is cold and isolating and painful. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, and my life feels purposeless. That is the truth. It’s how it’s always been and how it’ll always be. Just because someone smiles on the outside doesn’t mean they are ok inside. I need to find a purpose even though it feels like I’m falling into a deep grey bottomless void

I am a waste of space. No one ever wants to hang out with me, despite me asking them and offering to travel to them. No one understands me. I am beginning to loathe not only my own company, but the company of others. I am fed up of the same. I am fed up of being me.

lately I’ve been feel unimportant and unwanted. Stressed out at events that haven’t yet happened. Stressed out for other people. Irritated with trying to repeat myself time after time. Frustrated at how people can just ignore the obvious pain and suffering of others, because when it comes down to it human beings are all such selfish, self centred beings that obsess over the “next” thing that shows us a speck of attention only to then ignore those that are patiently waiting to be noticed.

And here I am, writing into this pointless void that no one reads. I don’t even know what to say anymore, except that it must be me. That I must be the reason why I get into the situations that I do again and again. That it must be my fault that the universe plagues me with deja vu people who are so similar in personality. People who constantly cause me to feel guilt and pain. Broken people who constantly make me feel like a monster. People who feel 80% perfect except for one major flaw, their mental health. I constantly find myself surrounded by people who are so unbelievably messed up and self absorbed that they don’t realise the emotional pain that they then inflict upon others. So surely, 6 people later the reason must be me. What is wrong with me. Why is it that so many people have these support systems except me. Why have I slipped out of the net. Why am I here? Why is it that things just never seem to quite work out for me? It feels like my best friend has almost forgotten me, others I once talked to have stopped talking to me. My partner fulfils me sexually and mostly romantically but is proving to be an emotional void. A energy parasite. Borderline personality rotting everyone’s brain. I feel so isolated. Why are human beings so selfish? So intense? So wrapped up in themselves and their own problems? I don’t even know what the point is anymore.

I had an anxiety attack when we went to town. You held my hand as we walked down the street and then got confused when people kept bumping into me and pushing past me. I stopped and you walked in front of me. The air smelt so strongly, the shops too and I felt overwhelmed. I just wanted to sit down on the floor, but you kept seeing places you wanted to go. You wanted to go for food.. I wasn’t hungry. We got to the place and I asked if we could sit outside. Music was loud and cutlery was banging on plates loudly in my ears. You said people were smoking so you’d rather us sit inside, although they weren’t. You asked me 5 times if I wanted a hug or to hold my hand and each time I said no. You started getting annoyed at me, saying what do I want you to do. You had that glazed look in your eye that you get. I started crying because I’m not hungry and everything is loud and we ended up getting a taxi back because I said I wanted to go home; but I meant to my home - not yours. We get back and I drink a pint of water because my mouth is so dry and sore - the whole time you’re sat watching me. I say I think I should go home and you say ok. You go into your room and get changed. Idk