This means a lot to me. I just hate myself for being so selfish before that I didn’t care about others who treated me as someone in their life. I hate myself that I chose to isolate myself from others, I hate myself for forgeting about those who were important in my life.
I know I just turned 18 that time, but you won’t expect me to think or act as a grown up person immediately. I was in the middle of being lost and in the hot seat being questioned by my own thoughts. Yes, this guy who gave me this was my first crush, my first puppy love. We got separated by how many kilometers but my feeling was never lost. He was always my crush, until we had the chance to meet again, I was third year high school then, still he was my crush. Maybe he was the reason why I never entered any relationship, I waited. I don’t know. 😁. The next time we saw each other, I think he was in a relationship with someone, so I was awkward with him. Haha.
So now, my debut, hmm, for so long, I saw him, and danced with him. I put him as my last dance since he was a special friend (crush kadi) and since he traveled just to be there. But I’m good in ‘taguan ng feelings, sobkunwari walang kilig’ kahit bad hair day nya ata before😂 ✌. After all what happend that day, everything followed. Yes, he wanted to court me. I was like, omg, is this happening? My crush is crushing me too. Haha. I could have said “tayo na” agad e..
Then things happen, things mess up, I messed up and my life was a mess. I didn’t know how to handle this all. I wanted him to be by my side that time, but we were miles away from each other, I’m not comfortable opening up things if not in person kasi. And then again, something happens, that was February, we had the chance to meet, but after we met, papa’s mess with Lepanto started. So I lost every mood I had, pfshh. I was shy talking about this with him so I just decided to shut up. To be quiet. I felt so hurt with papa being kicked out of Lepanto, what’s more painful being kicked out in your home diba? I just kept all pain to myself.
Until it piled up, until I started questioning life, I started losing faith, I started falling and breaking. I was trying to reach out to my friends but then, they were too far so I decided to keep it to myself. Until I found myself hating people. So I didn’t reply to messages only if it was inportant. I chose to lock myself in the room whenever I’m home. So my routine went, school to home to room, for how many months.
But then when light shows up, you realize things, your body, mind, and soul enlightens. I started reaching out, especially to him. I knew I’ve caused him pain/brokenheart. And I’m the one to blame, his feelings for me I know were slowly vanishing which I know it was because of me. And I can’t take back time, I even was not able to tell him I crush him too, or I like him.haha. shhhh. But then, things happen for a reason, and I don’t know whether to keep my feelings or just let go. But goodness, I still wasn’t able to reply to his sweet messages, I wasn’t able to make bawi to his sweet acts and I think I’ll forever regret it. 😭. But I still don’t know where my feeling would bring me. Updated: So I just knew he is in a relationship now, 💔. I would just blame myself for him ending up with someone. And oh well, that’s how it is. I honestly was broken too, though I know I first broke his. 😭 And again, things happen simultaneously, mess again, this time it got serious, I was in the cliff of falling into depression, good thing Bamboo showed up. Ha! I got so hooked to him, he made big changes in my life, he saved me from being depressed. Sounds funny, but it’s real. It was a good thing for me to forget the pain of being broken hearted. Though he wasn’t my bf and it really was heartbreaking. My crush has gone away, I’m just not sure if he knows he is my crush(dang😁). Haha. His girl was beautiful, I never did compare myself to her but I just thought, maybe that should be me. But damnit, I don’t know why I had to go through all this pain. And it all started because of Lepanto! 😡. But I thank time, it allowed me to heal from all this dark times, it allowed me to grow up mentally and emotionally, it brought me nearer to people, but that of my crush has gone away, it still sucks. Hahahaha.. Jk. But anyway, I just want him/them to be happy. May they love each other until they reach forever. I would still remain friends with him, but still he’s my real crush coz i know Bamboo was my source of light. I miss him though. *those him’s above refer to the guy who gave that you see in the photo.
Update |6|13|-- so I found out, he's with another again. That's all.. Hahahaha.. *moved on!
