shawarma is my boyfriend

You’re a renowned portrait artist, painting portraits for politicians, celebrities, you name it. Late one night, there’s a knock on your door. A nervous young man stands outside, pale, with elongated canine teeth. He’d like a portrait. Hasn’t seen his own face in over a century.

on my way home last night I stopped to buy gas and realized that my fuel door was almost completely covered in ice and frozen shut so I did the logical thing and crouched down and lifted my shirt and pressed my naked belly against it until it melted

yeah but given my height and the position required it did sort of look like I was fucking my car, is the thing

What’s not to get? You never seen a guy with a brood patch before?

y. you’re deactivated. how are you posting from the grave

I have unfinished business here

loud warning

Rolling on the floor sobbing and crying and losing my mind at “GET INSIDE THE VAAAAAAAAAAN”

Personality test, is 80f/26c too hot for you?

go white boy! get stupid!

i wanna know what everyone’s majors are mutuals i want to know i love you and i’m interested

@todaysbird can you identify these?

Reeves’s pheasants!

if you reblog this you should tag it with what you voted and which country you’re from.

Shakespeare could only aspire to this level of dramatic irony.

idk why but i feel like being a punk is for he/hims and doing ballet is for she/hers

It's a beautiful day on the River Nile and you are a horrible frog.

"Quivering" is my least-favourite word in the english language. Nothing and nobody should be quivering. If you're quivering right now, stop that shit immediately. Tremble or shake if you must but the quivering has to stop.

i hope i’m not just a tumblr blog to you but also bad lesbian representation