and i gotta jot it quick cus i cant focus so well

one of the most frustrating things about not entirely understanding romantic relationships is like the way that romance is automatically assumed to take priority over every other kind of relationship eventually. like sure you have a roommate or a best friend now but eventually your wife or whatever will be more important and you'll drop everything else to focus on that. move out, have a kid, focus in. and i just have no access to that whatsoever and there's always this feeling like well eventually everyone will pair off and it's just you alone now.

like there's this aspect of the future that I am not allowed to be fully a part of. I am not going to pair off. I am not going to get married. I would frankly rather die. but sometimes the way my friends talk about the future I hear the words in parentheses. "(and you'll be less important to me then, of course)".

anyway I read this john waters book recently and he talked about how he thinks he'll be single and hooking up with random people for the rest of his life and he's happy with that and it made me feel less alone. what a radical thing to believe about yourself past the age of 40.

one of the most frustrating things about not entirely understanding romantic relationships is like the way that romance is automatically assumed to take priority over every other kind of relationship eventually. like sure you have a roommate or a best friend now but eventually your wife or whatever will be more important and you'll drop everything else to focus on that. move out, have a kid, focus in. and i just have no access to that whatsoever and there's always this feeling like well eventually everyone will pair off and it's just you alone now.

like there's this aspect of the future that I am not allowed to be fully a part of. I am not going to pair off. I am not going to get married. I would frankly rather die. but sometimes the way my friends talk about the future I hear the words in parentheses. "(and you'll be less important to me then, of course)".

anyway I read this john waters book recently and he talked about how he thinks he'll be single and hooking up with random people for the rest of his life and he's happy with that and it made me feel less alone. what a radical thing to believe about yourself past the age of 40.

one of the most frustrating things about not entirely understanding romantic relationships is like the way that romance is automatically assumed to take priority over every other kind of relationship eventually. like sure you have a roommate or a best friend now but eventually your wife or whatever will be more important and you'll drop everything else to focus on that. move out, have a kid, focus in. and i just have no access to that whatsoever and there's always this feeling like well eventually everyone will pair off and it's just you alone now.

like there's this aspect of the future that I am not allowed to be fully a part of. I am not going to pair off. I am not going to get married. I would frankly rather die. but sometimes the way my friends talk about the future I hear the words in parentheses. "(and you'll be less important to me then, of course)".

people love hanging out with me because I say shit like "well it's a fascist film" and "being a trans woman is about being amab and dressing like a girl" and "they want me to have a girlfriend? im 30 years old dude"

sometimes meeting new people is difficult for me because I forget that they are not used to how insane I am so when I say things like "well as far as anything called 'being aromantic' exists" they say "what the fuck are you talking about" as opposed to my friends who are already used to me saying stupid shit all the time

i said that "they want me to have a girlfriend grow up dude im 30" thing in front of a bunch of new people last night and everybody got all up in arms like "30 isnt old!" "im 37 and I have a girlfriend" like guys you gotta understand that everything I say exists in a state of provocative half-truth. c'mon.

girl was asking me about my name last night while getting my number and I was like "yeah arlo is my transmasc name!" and she looked at my like I was completely insane and I had to be like oh right and then work backwards like "well you see old school butches would call themselves shit like 'Chuck' and so"

people love hanging out with me because I say shit like "well it's a fascist film" and "being a trans woman is about being amab and dressing like a girl" and "they want me to have a girlfriend? im 30 years old dude"

sometimes meeting new people is difficult for me because I forget that they are not used to how insane I am so when I say things like "well as far as anything called 'being aromantic' exists" they say "what the fuck are you talking about" as opposed to my friends who are already used to me saying stupid shit all the time

i said that "they want me to have a girlfriend grow up dude im 30" thing in front of a bunch of new people last night and everybody got all up in arms like "30 isnt old!" "im 37 and I have a girlfriend" like guys you gotta understand that everything I say exists in a state of provocative half-truth. c'mon.

people love hanging out with me because I say shit like "well it's a fascist film" and "being a trans woman is about being amab and dressing like a girl" and "they want me to have a girlfriend? im 30 years old dude"

sometimes meeting new people is difficult for me because I forget that they are not used to how insane I am so when I say things like "well as far as anything called 'being aromantic' exists" they say "what the fuck are you talking about" as opposed to my friends who are already used to me saying stupid shit all the time

spent like most of this year not really wanting anyone to touch me because having a breast tumor does not make you feel very sexy and then I got laid once like a month ago and I'm completely fucking insane now it's driving me crazy it's making me nauseous

dating apps talking to me like the green goblin mask we never should have gotten rid of cruising

genuinely lesbians need to construct a fucking hookup culture I can't keep making eye contact with women 20 times in an hour and then not fucking them im going apeshit. we all need to become bigger horndog losers. what are we doing.

why don't more girls want to just use me and never talk to me again it would be so awesome

sometimes i feel crazy because everyone is like "take it slow, develop feelings, blah blah blah" and im like no genuinely i want a girl to fuck me in the bathroom RIGHT NOW. and you only ever find another girl who's like that like once a year.

spent like most of this year not really wanting anyone to touch me because having a breast tumor does not make you feel very sexy and then I got laid once like a month ago and I'm completely fucking insane now it's driving me crazy it's making me nauseous

dating apps talking to me like the green goblin mask we never should have gotten rid of cruising

genuinely lesbians need to construct a fucking hookup culture I can't keep making eye contact with women 20 times in an hour and then not fucking them im going apeshit. we all need to become bigger horndog losers. what are we doing.

why don't more girls want to just use me and never talk to me again it would be so awesome

spent like most of this year not really wanting anyone to touch me because having a breast tumor does not make you feel very sexy and then I got laid once like a month ago and I'm completely fucking insane now it's driving me crazy it's making me nauseous

dating apps talking to me like the green goblin mask we never should have gotten rid of cruising

genuinely lesbians need to construct a fucking hookup culture I can't keep making eye contact with women 20 times in an hour and then not fucking them im going apeshit. we all need to become bigger horndog losers. what are we doing.

spent like most of this year not really wanting anyone to touch me because having a breast tumor does not make you feel very sexy and then I got laid once like a month ago and I'm completely fucking insane now it's driving me crazy it's making me nauseous

dating apps talking to me like the green goblin mask we never should have gotten rid of cruising

nearly funny that i have to get surgery on my tits and it's not even for gender reasons

nearly

there is something kind of absurd about the fact that I've been having the worst year of my life and also I have to get a tumor removed now. like could we maybe wait on that one.

the nice thing about having a cancer scare is it's basically an excuse for anything at all. hey sorry I have been ignoring this problem for months and not talking to you, I thought I had fucking cancer.

theres this moment when you're up at 3 am thinking about if you maybe have cancer that all of the petty interpersonal drama in your life starts to feel really distant and fuzzy and it becomes hard to imagine ever caring about any of it ever again. and then you go to work the next day.

there was like this ice cold feeling that ran through my entire body the moment that I finally admitted to myself like, hey this really does not feel normal I am gonna have to go get this checked out. different from just background anxiety, true animal fear. I'll be lucky if it's a long time before I feel it again.

and then you have to think like well I guess I don't want to die, actually

i lived btw