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My mans unlocked a higher level of synesthesia

Fuckers in my notes like "oh it's because of the jets duh" as if it isn't just objectively funny to have a plane and "since 2001" on your picks when you're THEE 9/11 band

All delighted people... get those fucking cocks out... its friday...

in the club begging strangers for forgiveness and proving incapable of articulating what for when asked

it’s crazy how a double bacon cheeseburger is probably the single healthiest thing a human can eat

This is painfully American

when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.

walkable cities are such a terrible idea when you think about them for literally any longer than a single second. more steps = more cracks = more mothers’ backs broken. simple fucking math. if you wanted your mom’s back blown out so bad you could’ve just called me

“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#tapping the reblog button with utmost care because i’m handling a historical artifact (via @malarkiness)

Not now, kitten, m- da- m- your parental figure is in the middle of a gender crisis

Not now, kitten, m- da- m- your parental figure is in the middle of a gender crisis

let’s all quit our jobs and just go on walks