safe haven

She never imagined how hard it would be to say bye to her children for the night. However it was quite the opposite for the twins. The looks on their faces made it slightly easier for Pip to say bye. They love their grandpop and nana, and they’re in good hands Pip, relax. 

“Say bye to mommy, Posie.” Eilas hoisted the little girl onto his shoulders, something he used to do when Pip was a little girl. 

“Buh bye mommy! Love you!” She giggled, waving her chunky arms and fingers at her. 

They deserve to see you happy, Pip. You’re doing the right thing. 

“Atlas, bud, be careful on Coop. Say bye to mommy.” 

If Cooper wasn’t her dog, she’d be having a heart attack or imaging all these terrible things happening to her little boy – however Coop’s a gentle giant. The poor dog wouldn’t even hurt those roaches back in her old apartment. 

Surprisingly, this brings a smile to her face. Maybe Effie was right. 

“I love you two so much, be good for grandpop and nana alright?” She gives Atlas a kiss on the forehead and squeezes Posie’s chubby legs. 

“Come on Effie! You’ll see them tomorrow!” Effie whines, stomping her legs. 

“Go, have fun. You deserve it more than anyone I know, pumpkin.” 

“Tonight?!” She squeaked.

That was moving way too fast. Here she though they were going to go out in a week. That was able to give her some preparation. But tonight? No, no, that won’t work. It won’t. 

“What’s tonight?” 

“Oh dad! Fancy seeing you here. I was just talking to Pip about going out. Could you and mom watch the twins tonight?” Effie grinned, not bothering to even ask Pip if that was alright with her. She was going to get her sister out, even if it killed her. 

“I go with granpop?” Posie giggled, standing up and hugging Eilas. 

“Granpop!” Atlas yelled, waving his duck.

“I love having these two munchkins. You two have fun, especially you Pip, you need it.” Eilas smiled. 

“I –” Pippa froze, she didn’t know what to say or how to explain that. Effie had gotten her into a situation she couldn’t get herself out of. A part of her knew Effie was right, but as she looked at the two loves of her life, she knew it was for the best. “I can’t risk anything again Ef. I’ve got two kids who need me. They need me to be mentally there for them and I can’t do that by going out.” 

Effie shook her head, letting out an exasperated sigh. Those were just excuses. “You’re terrified and I get it, Pip. But it’s been more than enough time, you’re letting those past experiences control you and your life. Don’t you think your kids want to see you happy? Don’t you think they’ll want a dad? One that isn’t a terrible human being?”

In that moment she knew her younger sister, although 21 with hardly any life experience, was right. She was letting everything haunt her and control her. She avoided most men in the supermarket because she either didn’t want to get close to them or was afraid of them. There was no in between. She didn’t go to parties because she was afraid she’d wake up feeling nothing again. She was terrified of going back. 

But she can’t live a life like that for her children. She knows they wouldn’t want that. 

“Okay, what’s your point then? What do you want me to do? Go out and get drunk?” 

Meet me at the park. 

That’s what Effie had texted Pippa, hoping that somehow she’d come by herself without the twins. It’s not that she didn’t love them, but she truly believed that Pip had tied herself down to this life. Being a mom. Being a parent is great, but not when it’s something she only does. Four years ago, her sister wasn’t like this. She wasn’t bland, as Effie likes to put it. She wanted her sister back, the one who liked having fun. Not one that was afraid to. 

“Effie, are you listening to me?” Pip sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose as she glances at both Atlas and Mariposa. 

“No, I wasn’t because all that came out of your mouth was about the twins. Pip, don’t get me wrong, I love them and adore them. But it’s not about them. You’re young! You’re 25 years old and you’ve completely become like mom. Not that mom isn’t great – no, you’re worse than mom. When she had us, her and dad went out all the time. You don’t do anything.” 

Pippa shifted slightly, taken back by what came from her younger sisters mouth. The twins were her life, did she see it was taking over her life? No, absolutely not. She did fun things... like gardening, cooking and sometimes yoga. Did she get out of the house often? No, but that was never important to her. She was never much of a person who went out – granted she did go out with her best friends but it wasn’t often. 

“I do fun things Effie. I just don’t go out. It’s not fun for me.” She says, biting her lower lip.

To my little ones, 

You were born today and all the pain I endured to get here was worth it. I’m not saying I would go back in time and keep things the same, but seeing the two of you was worth it. Nothing can compare to the love I have for you. I understand your grandpop now. All i want to do is protect you and make sure neither of you get hurt. 

I love you both more than you know. 

Your aunt Effie and uncle Harley both love you so much too. We’re all surrounded by love and we can get through it together. I know we can. 

Love, 

  Mom. 

To Hudson, 

I’ll probably never send this to you. Ever. But it’s therapeutic thinking I’m actually going to tell you this. There wasn’t a moment since I said goodbye to you, that I wish I hadn’t. I know you would’ve probably stood by me, but I couldn’t let you do it. I wouldn’t let myself allow you to be in my life – my incredibly… full life.

I gave birth to twins today. I wished you were beside me, holding my hand because I know you would’ve done that. But I did it by myself, my parents and family came later to see the three of us. I wished you were there too. 

I don’t think my life has a place for you. I wish it did. I really wish it did. But how can I let someone in after all that has happened? When we met, I know you weren’t thinking you were about to become involved with someone who had been through the things I had been through, and someone who had gotten pregnant as a result. 

But you’re a good man, and I know you would’ve. But I couldn’t do that to you. You deserve so much more. Someone who can give you their entire world and entire mind, body and soul. That’s just not me. 

Pippa. 

Third Trimester

To my little ones, 

It’s September now. At any moment you’ll be arriving and I’m ready. Remember the house I told you about? Well, we live there now. It’s perfect, better than I ever imagined it would be. Coop loves it, I think he hated apartment living. That’s no way for a dog to live his life. 

Your nana and grandpop constantly visit everyday, just in case I pop. I don’t blame them, they’re excited. It’s not like they are getting any younger. 

Your father the man who planted his sperm in me Damion got out of jail on good behavior. Your grandpop keeps an eye out on him and his movements, even though we have a restraining order placed on him. I wish more than anything that you’ll have a great father one day. 

I know you will. The both of you. I’ll make sure of it. 

My water broke. You two don’t really have good timing. Welcome to the world. 

Love you lots, 

Second Trimester 

To my little ones, 

Today I went to my doctors appointment and it was a life changing experience. I heard your heartbeat. Your actual – boom boom – heartbeat. I cried. There’s absolutely no words to describe how I felt when I heard not one heartbeat – but two. Two beautiful, little, healthy heartbeats. 

My little munchkins. I should probably go back and fix the other letter too. 

I think that was the moment, hearing your heartbeats, that I decided right there and then what I was going to do. Your grandparents are no more excited than I am, it feels real. It’s becoming real. 

Of course there are my fears, but the pros outweigh the cons and I’m seeing that. 

I’m selling my flower shop, not because I have to, but because I want to. Your grandpa found a cute little house in Brindleton not too far from them and I fell in love. There’s a cute little yard for you two to play and for me to garden, not to mention a little beach a walk away... 

We’re going to start fresh. All three of us. 

Love, 

First Trimester

To my little one,

I suppose this is a letter of the sort, recording my progress through this 9 months. I told everyone about the pregnancy, it’s slowly becoming easier to tell my loved ones about it. I think the hardest was my parents – knowing how they’d react and how badly they didn’t want this for me. I get it. Hailee and Sloane (who might be your godparents) were both thrilled and upset. One day I’ll tell you the story, I’m just not sure when. It’s a hard story to tell, but it’s a battle I’m slowly winning. 

You’re getting bigger, a small little bump – but bigger than I could’ve imagined at 2 months. Even your nana says so, and she’s an expert at pregnancies (haha). Slowly together, we’re growing out of my normal clothes. I’ve had to switch over to my skirts and dresses. Which, is kind of appropriate for the weather. 

I’ve had dreams I’ve met you, where I’m holding you and I’m crying because you’re the most beautiful baby that I’ve ever seen. Those dreams are the ones that are making me lean towards my real decision. Because it’s not your fault and I know I can give you a good life. I can. 

Right? 

Love, 

Hudson felt like he had been punched in the gut. Why was she saying this? It was only two weeks ago that she told him she wanted to see him again and that she liked kissing him. What happened? 

“Pip, what happened between two weeks ago and now? Can you at least give me that? You owe me that.” 

He was right. Pippa did owe him that much. An explanation. But she couldn’t give him the real one. She knew deep down that he would want to help her, that he’d be amazing and everything she wanted. She knew that, even after a few weeks of knowing him. 

“I can’t be with someone who reminds me of him. When I see you...” she paused, this was painful. She hated lying and she most definitely knew how this was going to hurt him. “I think of him and everything else. I see pain and hurt, and I just can’t be with someone like that.” 

There goes another punch. What the hell? She really couldn’t mean that, could she? He didn’t want to believe it, but the soft cries on the other side of the door made him think otherwise. Maybe she really did mean it. Maybe. 

“Can you just go?! Leave Hudson!” Her voice shook. 

Hudson squeezed his eyes shut, and pushed himself off the door. “If that’s what you really want Pip.” 

From the other side, Pip could hear his footsteps recede and the elevator ding.