I felt like grief haunted me. As soon as I was happy or excited – here it came, robbing me of my moment. Feeling slighted would immediately turn to guilt. Contentment & betrayal became synonymous. How dare I live when those that I have loved are gone. Sometimes grief was so heavy I would feel like I couldn’t breathe. It made me bitter. It was ominous - like dense clouds slowly rumbling in. You could see the storm coming & yet you knew that there was nothing you could do but let it hit. They say grief is the price you pay for love. A price I’d forever pay even though it made me angry. Because why was everything that I had loved & lost now being tainted by grief’s shadow? It wasn’t fair that everyone got to just – keep going. Yet there I was, stuck. The things & people I loved helped create the very world I was now expected to navigate without them. It was dark. I hated grief. I hated grief until I realized its waves were trying to push me ashore rather than pull me under. Grief didn’t make the world dark - I just lost sight. If anything - grief was a beacon. Grief gave me an ache so deep in my body that the hurt couldn’t be anywhere but in my soul – a place I had neglected for so long that I forgot it existed; a place I needed to get back to. I thought I lost what I loved when really it was love that made them eternal. Grief wasn’t a reminder that I was missing something; it was a reminder that I was connected to something. Hurt curiously seemed to feel like home and there was always an odd comfort & feeling of familiarity in pain. But I wasn’t “home” - I was just being guided by it; covered in it. I know there will be times where I forget & hate grief all over again. I just hope it’ll continue to keep bringing me back to what I love.
