CRABS: IT IS DONE.
Dear esteemed followers,
What happened was this. The Crab Army, with the help of the hearts and minds of all of Tumblr, showed the Intern what I had failed to: the promise of this platform, and the potential. Thus swayed, she was yet still unwilling to hand the Gack Muffin to me or to the President — so after a moment of terrifying indecision, she tossed the Muffin up into the air, and closed her eyes, as if to avoid seeing where it would fall.
This proved to be a lucky choice. The Crab Army swarmed into the air, climbing on top of each other to reach the airborne Muffin, and tore it into a million small pieces. Then in a flash they scuttled away, all in different directions, carrying the glittering fragments into the vast wilds of Tumblr.
Where are they now? Not with me, nor with the Intern or the President, as we all three of us awkwardly and stammeringly make our way home to the Geographic Society.
The Muffin is with you, you people of Tumblr, each one of you holding a shimmering crumb, to do with what you please, to expend its energetic potential on whatever morsel of enthusiasm and creativity you believe most truly in.
The narrative primacy which the President craved; the influence which the Intern desired; it has all been dispersed amongst the worthy, here in its native land, and shall go no further.
For who needs main characters, after all? Surely it was my hubris in believing myself so much a protagonist that I could ignore the urgent needs of my own Intern that landed us in this sorry situation to begin with. A lesson we must all learn sometime, I suppose.
With the Muffin as much part of the dashboard now as you are, I do not believe things will be too different. Sharing posts and making friends might be easier, more delight-inducing, for a little while; perhaps you might find the memes coming easier, the reblogs smoother, the notes thicker.
I only wish I could be around to observe the long-time effects and see if my hypotheses are correct. But alas, abashed, I must sail homewards and once more go about compiling and presenting my findings under the Society’s aegis. How I will explain any of what has occurred here in the last few days, I know not. Perhaps the Intern will help me; but on the other hand, I do not think the rift between us can ever be repaired.
I shall leave you with this: Use the Guidebook in good health. Be good to one another. And remain always, nothing more and nothing less, Tumblr.
Yours in philosophy,
The Naturalist
