* __ sweet death

He didn’t know what to say to her. What could he say to her when she asks him to see himself as anything but a fraud? When all he has ever been is this reckless, faulty thing. How do you forgive that? How do you see yourself as anything else? “Because it’s all I’ve ever been,” he says quietly, his voice even but tone heated. He pulls back to look down at his hands. His knuckles have cracked and begun to bleed again from when he repeatedly punched the wall earlier. Those same split hands have comforted many in his short lifetime. Somehow they always end up tasting dirt and pain from those he has given his all to. They all have made it harder to breathe as they yell and shout, tearing him up on the inside, before walking out on him. They always go. “It’s all I’ve known.” He looks up. “If I can’t be the guy who makes people happier than I’m useless.” There is no crack this time. It isn’t spoken in a whisper, and his eyes do not waver from hers. It is spoken with such painful assurance.

His breath hitches then. He did not move. He did not speak. To hear her say that - that he made her feel less alone - brought his heart to his throat and he almost smiled. Almost. This wasn’t the only time he has had those words uttered to him and while he desperately wants to believe her, his mind pleads with him not to fall for it again. So he looks back at his hands. Joel flexes his fingers while swallowing the incredibly foolish thoughts swarming his mind. Wrap your arms around her and don’t let go. Forget all the nonsense of the past. Give in to the taste of a poison paradise. He shakes the thoughts from his mind. He can’t do that quite yet. He focuses on what she says next, on something he can chalk up a response to. “You don’t mean to hurt anyone. You can’t control your powers right now. But, you’re working on it. I could’ve stopped their deaths and I didn’t.” He nods to himself then. Wanting this to be true. Wanting to believe he could have down something different that day and none of it would have happened. That they wouldn’t have died if he wasn’t so consumed with his little escape. It seems his powers will always be his downfall, though.

Still, she puts him on a pedestal. She won’t be broken of her unwillingness to see him as anything but redeemable. He can’t help himself this time. He smiles. But, it isn’t like his usual smiles. It is twisted. Broken. Anything but happy. It is laced with ten years of guilt. Dirt and pain, he thinks. It’s all he is going to know, and now he was being forced to help her see that. “Alice.” He interjects, needing her to stop offering up the thousands of excuses and reminders he has already told himself since the observatory burned down. These excuses don’t erase the one perpetual fact: five people died that day. Five people he was meant to protect. “Just don’t say anything else, please. Not until you know. Okay?” He didn’t wait for a response before he unleashes it all. Words just rapidly spew from his lips without care. So they end up jumbled and twisted and, from the way her brows jut inward, he can tell he isn’t making any sense. How funny, he thinks. Ten years later and he still can’t explain the one thing that is seared into his brain. He is only making her more confused and that is confirmed by her own interjection followed by the touch of her hand on his.

Now his heart seizes. The hand in hers clenches and he doesn’t want to let go ever. If he lets go, he thinks she might gobble that promise back up and flee. And he would let her. Seamless and unhindered: that is how she would go. He would be a willing accomplice to the annihilation of his heart. It would be a fatal blow, too. Losing her would be the final nail in his coffin. But he has to. Even if it means risking everything he has with her, and he would be risking everything, Joel has to let her know. If he wants to be half the man she thinks he is then he has to start doing better. He has to. He only hopes she will leave the light on instead of shutting him out once its done.

“I can’t say it,” his jagged voice is rich with grief. His eyes pin her own and he pulls his hand back from her grip to slowly, with extreme care, cup her jaw from under. If his hand tremble as he does so, it is only because he is waiting for her to slap the hand away. She doesn’t. “It’s never going to make sense if I say it. I have to show you.” Everything inside him rebelled at the thought of inflicting this pain on her, yet he couldn’t deter her from this. His chest heaving slightly, his emotions were an indistinguishable mass of everything and nothing in the moment. He mumbles a quick, “I’m really sorry for this,” before he recalls the night in achingly complete detail and instills those memories into her mind. Permanently burned into her thoughts. That is, until the very moment she asks him to take it all away. Then he would. He would take it all away in a heartbeat even if he has to break himself to do it.

And then his hand falls. It just falls with a dull smack to his leg once every stitch of detail is placed in her mind. Joel breaks their gaze, averting his eyes and turning his face to the side. He makes himself focus on the dull throb in his hand. “I’m sorry.” He says again. It’s all he can say. He never wanted her to see these memories. She was the last person he ever wanted to give more pain to. It seems he would only be good for giving people reasons to leave, though. So, as he knelt there, frayed nerves made his body taut and impossibly still while he waited. Waited for her to walk out on him after having seen the truth: he isn’t a guy worth sticking around for.

The redhead had truly never been the most empathetic person but looking into Joel’s eyes she felt his pain, felt it so much, it made her wonder. She knew what it was like to consider yourself broken, knew it all too well. After all, she was the epitome of a broken girl, a saint with the powers to kill but without the ability to control it. Ridiculous truly. Alice was pretty sure powers weren’t given randomly, pretty sure that these powers meant what she had known long before: She was unable to control her temper and her formerly metaphorical toxicity had now become very much literal. Looking at his bleeding hands she once more wished she was better, wished that she was the kind of person who would have gotten powers to help others instead of just taking. 

Joel’s words were worse though, worse than the blood running down his fingers, they did so much more harm than any physical wound ever could. She had seen the sadness behind his eyes since the day they met, knowing that he was suffering but she had never thought that he was tearing himself apart like this. “Stop, stop. It’s bullshit Joel, you have it all wrong.” She said, her voice loud because she wanted him to finally listen and because this way it was easier to mask her own pain. “If you were worthless, trust me, I would tell you. You are easily worth more than almost everyone else I know. Why should your worth depend on whether you make others happier when clearly you don’t hold anyone else to those shitty standards? It’s bullshit.” She couldn’t help herself but to flinch at how rough her own words sounded, she truly wasn’t good at this but she couldn’t let him continue down this road, she wouldn’t. 

His forgiving words about the horrible things she had done came so easy to him, he didn’t even ask any questions, maybe he truly just didn’t want to know. It was probably better that way, better for him to think that. But then again if she had to show him all her darkness, all the horrible thoughts she had all too often, in order for him to realize he wasn’t the monster he made himself out to be, she certainly would do it without hesitating. Not yet though, not before she knew what he was carrying all this guilt about. “I can hardly believe you standing by, watching other people die when there is something you could have done. You’re going to have to try a lot harder to convince me, Joel.” By now she was almost sure that she would be okay with whatever he had to tell her. Somehow, even though they hadn’t even known each other for that long, she knew Joel. 

His words, begging her to not speak any more until he could finally explain only made her nod, there was little she could say anyway, considering she didn’t know what was going on in his head. What horrible memory haunted him. His words, however, were not helping, it was clear how much difficulty he had sorting through his own thoughts. It was hard watching him like that and the way he held on to her hand, made her wish she could understand his grief, his despair, his fear. 

When she let her hand go, raising his own to her face instead, she just let him. It was truly up to him to decide how to tell her and she knew about this part of his powers. He had never shown her anything like this before but she knew what he was going to do. When he apologized she just shook her head the slightest bit. “I’m not, I want to see it.” She whispered, sure she would then be truly able to understand. And understanding she wanted so badly, wanted to comfort him, show him that he was worth sticking around for even if he might have made a mistake in his past. She was ready to do whatever it took for that. 

All of the sudden pictures started to flood her mind, overwhelming pictures and they alone would have been able to bring tears to her eyes, to make her feel overwhelmed but it was the feelings, his feelings, that made her entire body shake. It was so much at once, for her and for him, back all those years ago. Too much for one person to handle. And he had to handle it all on his own after she had taken her memory. The lightning girl, another redhead with no control of her powers, Sofia. She feels how much his heart aches for her, how he has to take the pain from her. The tears were rolling over her cheeks, seeing Sofia like that, feeling the love Joel had for her. A kind of love she herself had never experienced, a love so hurtful she didn’t know whether she’d ever want to. His sacrifice had been an easy decision, he hadn’t hesitated one moment and Alice understood, knowing how much seeing Sofia that way tore him apart. He would have easily given his life and everything he had for her any given day and even then, with the bodies of his friends surrounding them, he still would, without even a second of hesitation. 

Alice had always known that love was a dangerous thing, as easily taken away as it was given and with the ability to hurt more than anything else in the world. It had never been worth it, in her eyes, and seeing, feeling, Joel willingly ripping out his own heart to protect Sofia only proved those fears to be true. Anyway, right now, she would easily do the same for him, if she only could. Instead, she just kept feeling his panic, his hurt, replaying in her head over and over. She was glad that Joel had let his hand drop, unsure what this was doing to her. Scurrying away from him she looked down at her own hands. Emotions were usually what made her lose control and she had never felt as much as she did right now, his thoughts and feelings mixing with her own, she wasn’t even sure which was him and which was her anymore. Her breath was shallow as she desperately grasped for the dirt beneath them, not trusting herself to be in any kind of control at this point. 

Tears were still falling down and she almost wasn’t able to hear his words, still caught up in his memories, going back to every single moment. “Don’t be.” Her voice wasn’t soft anymore, it sounded like she hadn’t spoken for days and it felt like that too. Finally getting her eyes to focus on the now instead of the past, she saw him across from her, his gaze so hopeless. “I’m so sorry, Joel. She... you... I...” It was hard forming even one consistent sentence, so many thoughts at once but her sadness for his loss, for his pain and the fact that he had been so alone with this for so many years finally won. “You really loved her.” It wasn’t a question, because it was painfully obvious, she could feel it. Maybe he still did. 

He can feel her nails tracing along his scalp as fingers run through his tousled hair. It was a light simple touch, like a feather drifting through the air, but it soothed him. It might have lulled him to sleep if he wasn’t fixated on every little thing she could say, and terrified of what exactly those words might be. He knew the awful things he was deserving of being called. Things such as weak, spineless, and undeserving. Yet, he also knew Alice. He knew how little she would judge him. Not when her mind would be tormenting her of her own past faults, he was sure. “How can I not be?” He interjects suddenly. It’s who he is: the strong one. If he wasn’t, what else could he possibly be? What would be his purpose? All he has done his entire life is be the strong one. For his mother, for his brother, for the dreamers, and for every other person who entered his life. If he stopped being that he was downright certain people would begin walking out on him again.

It is with the loss of contact that he turns fearful and his thoughts cease. Gone. All gone. But, the touch returns lower this time and tilts his chin up to meet her eyes. Brown colliding with blue. And such brown eyes demanded to be listened to. Still, he shook his head despite her gentle grasp on either side of his cheeks. “You’re not a mess, Alice. You’re just hurting,” he softly corrects, incapable of letting her put herself down like that even when his world was falling apart at the seams.

He closes his eyes then, thwarting his means to see such deep sorrow in her eyes at his own carelessness. If he had been paying a lick of attention, he could have prevented her from seeing him in this state. Disheveled, lost, and undone. Horribly undone. All of him laid bare for the world to see if they peeked past burnt, broken chunks of building material to see him crouched there, alone and lamenting his endless torment. And she had done just that. She had seen him. Now he threatens his own safe place. He could lose her, too, and it would be his own damn fault for being incapable of holding it together on this stupid fucking day. So when she keeps apologizing and telling him how he doesn’t deserve this, a swell of emotions gets stuck in his throat.

He doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, only his back stretches once as he took in a heavy breath. He can’t even bare to look at her out of fear. If she saw what truly lay behind these blues eyes and bruised flesh, she would hate what she saw. But then she is back to degrading herself once more, and those hands of hers are bent on forcing him to look at her and he knows he has lost this battle. He can’t block her out. Never her. So, when she speaks on his instincts, his eyes meets hers, and there is a slight shake of his head, one only perceptible to her, that shows his dissent. His instincts were never wrong when it came to her. Joel was willing to stake his life on that.

There is a brief silence then. A change in the air around them. The warmth of breath over his face. Alice is close enough he can see individual strands of hair, he can see the small lines that creased her forehead when she was worry about something, about him. His eyes stung from his shed tears, and his grip around her torso tightened before he settled again. “I’m not,” he says, breaking the silence at last. “I’m not the best person you know.” There is a forced huff of a laugh before, “I’m probably the worst person you know. I’m a goddamn fraud and the only person who knows that is Mina because she can read it everyday. All the little lies I speak are so pointless cause she sees the truth in my thoughts. She sees the real me, and the real me is disgusting.” Mina has to see that, too. Deep down, he is sure that Mina does. He closes his eyes, gasps in another breath, and forces himself to appear somewhat calm when he looks back at her.

Joel retracts his arms from around her to let them fall loosely at his side and fingers curl into his palms to keep them from touching her. She wouldn’t want his touch anymore after what he had to say. “Do you know I am to blame for the murder of five people? No. Of course not. Nobody does except me, and I carry that with me everywhere I go. I see them when I’m awake and when I’m asleep. Everywhere. I can’t escape them and they are just there tormenting me every step of the way. But, I deserve it. I deserve the guilt and so much more. Because it should have been me, Alice. It should have been my life instead of all of theirs. I wish it had been.” Words just keep tumbling out of his mouth, unable to be held in anymore, and Joel can’t bring himself to look at her while he says this. He can hardly breathe. But, he can’t stop himself now. “The worst part is what I did to Sofia. I took it all away, Alice. She was there that night five people died and I had to remove every piece of that night and me from her mind. I was erased, just like that. A nothing. A nobody. I’m basically dead to her and she can’t see how much it kills me on the inside.”

The fact that Joel didn’t seem to be able to see himself as anything other than the steady rock for others, their person to hold onto during tough times, the fact that he didn’t consider himself to be worthy to ask for the same in return, all of those were heartbreaking and incomprehensible to Alice. “How could you see yourself as nothing more than that, when you have so much more to give, Joel.” Her voice was soft but all shakiness disappeared with these words and was instead replaced by steadiness and conviction. Biting her lips she looked at him, her heart feeling as if somebody was trying to crush it in their fist. “You’re compassionate and considerate, you’re smart, hell sometimes you even make me laugh.” 

The fact that she had to tell him these things was so incredibly sad, he should know everything she just said. “... and maybe this is the most important part: you always make me feel less alone. Even now, even like this - maybe especially like this.” It was nothing but the truth, that somehow she felt as if their brokenness meant they belonged together, that the more she saw him and the sadness and guilt he carried with him the more she felt like maybe she found a place where she could belong. And maybe that was selfish, maybe she shouldn’t be glad to find her hurt mirrored in his eyes but part of her most definitely was. His rigorous denial of her harsh judgment of herself made her smile a little. It was so obvious how he held himself to impossibly high standards while being so forgiving towards everyone else. “If I’m just hurting than you’re too. You can’t put yourself down when you think that even I am a good person. You don’t get to do that.” 

The way he wasn’t even able to hold her gaze was so telling and Alice knew those feelings, knew them from her own darkest hours when she was all alone and couldn’t swallow the guilt anymore. She also knew that words held little power in comparison to one's thoughts, that often times they didn’t even really come through. There wasn’t much she could do aside from getting onto her knees and holding him tight, trying to offer him some comfort like that. 

His rough laugh, combined with the pained expression in his eyes made her shake her head immediately at his next words. Even though she didn’t know what he was referencing, was this terrible thing he had done was, she knew he wasn’t right. “That’s not true. If you could see yourself like any other person you would know that. There is so much guilt and regret in your eyes, whatever you did, truly bad people don’t regret the bad things they have done. They don’t wish that they could just get one chance to make it right.” Looking at him she shook her head a little. He seemed so convinced that whatever had happened made him a terrible person, repulsive even. “And you’re not disgusting, maybe you’re broken and guilt is tearing you apart right now but that’s okay. I mean... I understand.” She swallowed, unsure what else to say, her hands absentmindedly holding onto his shoulders so that she could look him right in the eyes.

Him moving away from her was infinitely worse than him holding onto her as if she was the only thing that was keeping him from drowning. He looked so lost, so alone. Just when she was about to close the distance between them once more he started talking, explaining and every single word that came out of his mouth only confused her. He was responsible for the death of five people? She couldn’t imagine Joel killing even a single person, but five seemed even less realistic to her. It seemed as if he had been holding all of this in for way too long so that she didn’t want to interrupt him, even though none of his further explanation brought more clarity for the redhead. She could only see how much thinking about this tortured him, how much he truly hated himself. 

When he was finally done Alice grabbed his hand if only to show him that she wasn’t about to leave. “You and Sofia were somewhere and five people died? How?” She asked, wanting to understand better what was going on with him. “You can tell me. You might have some darkness inside but I doubt it’s worse than mine.” Truly she didn’t even quite know how many lives she had taken, how many people had to die because she couldn’t control her temper or because they stood between her and something she wanted. “I think you should tell me a little more though... about that day, about Sofia... about why you took away all memories she had of you.” What she did understand the way he tried to stay away from her, to keep to himself and protect himself from possible rejection. It was something she had done often enough to know. “I swear I won’t leave you. I mean god, maybe I killed somebody tonight and I don’t even really know. What I’m trying to say is... I’m not one to judge.” 

Aurora’s shoulders slumped in relief when she noticed the car passing by was stopping for her. Walking back to her house at this hour would have been torture. It was just as it approached that Aurora could slowly start to tell the type of the car it was and she immediately felt hopeful that it might be who she thought. Then she caught sight of the red hair popping out from behind the door and she smiled. Alice.

Her smile only seemed to widen at the sound of the other woman’s voice. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. This piece of garbage-” She glanced over her shoulder at the car. “Isn’t going anywhere.” She looked back at Alice, lips still curled up. “And I don’t feel like dealing with tow companies tonight… Where are you heading?”

Her gaze followed Aurora’s and she shook her head a little. It truly did seem as if that thing didn’t want to move another inch. “Shit, have you been standing here for long?” She asked, suddenly worried about her friends well being. Aurora was usually always the one taking care of her so this was truly a bit of unknown waters. “I’m just heading home but I can definitely drop you off at your place, I have no plans for the rest of the night.” Her offer was accompanied by a soft smile. “I also have a sweater in the car, you look like you could need it maybe.” 

Walking back to the drivers side of her car, she looked back at Aurora over her shoulder. “Get in.” After getting behind the steering wheel she waited for Rora to get in before starting the car and continuing the drive down the dark road. “Are you just now getting home from work?” She asked, wondering whether the brunette always had to work this late. Somehow she just now realized that she knew very little about the other girl, too little considering how many times she had saved her ass.

There is a flash of red, and he spirals. It’s a little bit like a building crumbling; he falling to his knees with a sharp cry and others witnessing his collapse without any hope of preventing the fall. Sofia. A single name that longs to erupt from his mouth, but he can’t. He can only continue to crumble beneath the swirl of red that stands tall above him. The vision of a knight preparing to lay siege to his neck.

But, it doesn’t come. Instead there is a voice like that of a savior to split the blackened skies in half and bathe him in light. Its persistence breaking through to him and allowing him to follow voluminous cherry red curls up to eyes that reflected the deep sorrow that left him crippled and crying out. It pains him further to see it reflected in her eyes. Knowing that he can give her nothing but pain and hesitation tonight when usually there is so much certainty. For tonight he is certain of nothing. He can’t even be certain that his touch will bring wonted calm, or if his agony will leak into her mind and abscond with any peace she had left. Still, the sound of her doubt wrestled his own into hiding; he always putting the needs of others above his.

On his knees still, he trudged forward the remaining inches to wrap his arms around her waist and pillow his head against her stomach. And, despite his hesitation, latching onto her brought reassurance. A stark reminder that he would never be alone. In Alice, he would always have a home. “I’m sorry,” he mutters into her dress, his fingers curling into the fabric. “I’m so, so sorry.” The apologies keep spewing from his mouth. It’s all he can possibly muster up. “I’m suppose to be the functional one. I’m suppose to..” he started, trying to find the words to express just what he has been feeling. But these are emotions he has kept hidden for ten years. Except from Mina who had found out through his thoughts. An intrusion he despised at first, but eventually brought comfort to him. They aren’t emotions so easily explained.

So, he clings to her and speaks on feelings he can express. “I just - sometimes I’m so scared. And it’s probably irrational. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. But, getting close to people means risking the chance of losing them. And I can’t. I can’t lose anymore.” It would break him. He knows it. ”But, with you. I don’t know. I’m not so scared. It’s like I only feel safe when you’re around,” he confided in a small voice, unable to look at her.

Empathy had never been the redheads strength, yet when she saw Joel crumbling under the weight that was so heavy it seemed to crush him, eat him alive she felt it almost physically as if somebody was trying to crush her heart in their fist. The tears that she couldn’t help from starting to spill weren’t for her own misery’s sake but solely for his, for they way he looked as if this world was just too cruel. It had always been something that connected them but in thise moment all she wished was for him not to have to feel that way. 

The sound that left his throat upon finally realizing who was standing in front of her only made the young girl’s heart break even further. There were people who deserved that kind of pain, who deserved the suffering, but not Joel. Never Joel. If only she could take it away but that wasn’t what she did, she inflicted pain, never took it. He was so good at this, his presence always soothing and calming to her and she feared she wouldn’t be able to return that. All certainty had long since been lost in her life so she didn’t know how to tell somebody else that it was going to be alright. 

She could see the guilt flickering in his eyes when he looked at her again but before she could say anything, before she could even try to spend some solace through words, his arms were around her, holding her tight. Maybe she couldn’t do words but this she could do, now that she had his permission. Her fingers carefully brushed through his hair as she immediately shushed at his word, hoping it would sooth him in some way. “No you’re not, you’re not.” She whispered, hoping he’d hear her. “That would not be fair, you don’t always have to be strong for others.” Tilting his head upward so he’d have to look at her, she carefully caressed his face, hoping for her touch to for once help somebody. “I... I know I’m a mess Joel. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be one too.” 

Her words didn’t seem like nearly enough to express what she felt and she hated herself for it. Despair crept up on her at the prospect of not being able to help him, at the sheer thought of him having to go through this any longer. His words, his clumsy explaination, it all seemed too familiar to her. “I know, I know. I understand that.” Only that in her case she kept people out because she was scared of herself being the one to hurt them, to take them away. Slowly she knelt down across from him, finally being able to actually lay her arms around him, his head still burried at her shoulder. “I’m so sorry... so so sorry, Joel.” She whispered, holding him tight. “You’re.. you should not have to go through this.” Her voice broke at those words but she didn’t know what else to say anyway. 

However when he said he felt save around her a small sad laugh escaped her throat. “Then something must be really wrong with your instincts.” It was normal for her to deflect serious topics with humor, even in situations like this. Maybe especially in situations like these. “But I’m glad.” Once more she lifted up his chin to make him look at her. “I... I’m very aware that I’m probably not doing a good job here but you know you can tell me these things, right? You don’t always have to be my rock, maybe I can be yours sometimes. A really shitty rock but still.” Looking him in the eyes she tried to put on a brave face. “And also you make me feel save too. You’re one of the best people I know Joel Duncan.”