she was just a girl

Lingering in the hallway, Clayton waited for Violet’s door to close firmly before walking into the unlit kitchen. Their conversation left a stinging taste in his mouth, and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was to do with the fact that he was useless to her. He was a walking disaster, just waiting to explode. And Violet had the unfortunate job of making sure he didn’t.

Clayton eyed her strangely. He couldn’t quite understand where this was all leading. So were they just going to have this odd little arrangement where Clayton could go crying to her while she kept all her secrets? He wasn’t entirely sure he liked the sound of that, but these days he rarely cared about doing himself justice and finding satisfaction. He was a low life, a useless shell of a person who only opened up to those who would spare a second to listen. Perhaps he really had been shut up for too long; he had thrown so many of his deepest thoughts at Violet that he couldn’t blame her for feeling overwhelmed.

Just when Clayton thought he’d found someone he could share a vaguely healthy bond with, suddenly it was all being whisked away. He stared into the distance, eyes following the rows and rows of trees as her words sank in and slowly dissolved into his thoughts. He wasn’t even hurt, he was just mildly stunned and a little perplexed at the sudden turn of events. But if he was honest with himself, he had been expecting something bad to happen. Nothing came easy to him.

Vi kept walking. Even under these circumstances, they were the least likely friends. She was smart, a fighter with an internal fort saving her from hurt. Then there was Clayton. Unthoughtful, overly passionate, too open. Ironically as opposed as those things were, both invited isolation with open arms. In truth, Vi was lonely. She could see the exact same look in Clay's eyes whenever they met with hers. That kind of sadness that never went away. She thought she'd found the answer with the pack, and it did help, for a while. But still she was an outsider. What was it about wolves that made them desperate to push themselves away from human contact?

Clayton was about to make another remark ('steak sounds good') when Violet cut him to it. He cleared his throat and felt his cheeks flush a little. How else was he meant to talk to her? Or did she want him to keep silent unless he had some life-threatening crisis at hand?

"I speak to them the same way they speak to me - with respect." She felt guilty saying it, but it was needed. He couldn't pick on her for a fault she couldn't help. She only asked because he was being too human for her to handle. It was curiosity, but he was being accusatory. "You know Clay, I don't have friends because I don't feel like it's necessary. I do my job and that's it. The reason we are friends is because you fuck up so often that I feel a need to protect you. That and we live together. Most people I barely know, but you, well you just can't seem to find a way to hide yourself. You know what I take back what I said, we are not friends. I'm just the girl you have to fucking run to every time you lose, which let's face it is pretty god damn often."

Their conversation was slowly caving in on itself. Clayton couldn’t blame Violet for not being good at small talk. After all, he himself was a certain failure in that aspect. And besides, she didn’t seem to want to hang around much longer. He didn’t feel disappointed; he was rather used to her distant nature.

 Her final remark seemed like a challenge. He bit down a smile. He had never been competitive, and the last thing on his mind was proving himself to her. That wasn’t the point of all this nobility and steadfastness. The point was to show back the sort of care she had given him, like comrades, so they could get on even footing.

She kept her eyes ahead of her, unsure of what to say. Dinner? Really? They'd literally been having one of the most intense discussions of their lives and the only thing he could think to ask was if she'd eaten? Vi would have preferred the silence, at least it was respectful in it's awkwardness.

Clayton shook his head in disbelief at Violet’s words. So she didn’t want him to die, despite how weak he was, despite how much of a burden he was, and despite them never being able to have a normal conversation. She still wanted him around. And that was almost enough to make him smile in a bittersweet sort of way. What could he say to that? That he also cared for her in his own removed and uncertain manner?

You shouldn't have to just cope. What was the point in trailing through each day if they weren't worth living? Her excuse had always been cowardice. She'd rather be a monster than dead. What was Clayton's? The things he subjected himself didn't scream survival, not to Vi. He looked like he was fighting for something more. Something she'd stopped seeking out a long time before.

He sighed tiredly. It was easier said than done, to control his anger. Before coming to Bindlebrim, he’d been able to hold it together. But now, with hardly any freedom left, being surrounded by so many hostile creatures and his own pack just made everything ten times worse.

"You'll never be able to cope the way you are. Eventually you either lose yourself to the wolf or you die trying to stay human, that's just the way it is." Her words were little more than a hush, but the cold impact of them echoed louder every second that passed. She didn't want him to change. She didn't want him to become just any other member of the pack, validating her theorem that they were nothing more than monsters.

And just as quickly as it had disappeared, Violet defences came back, shutting out any further attempts to ask about why she was scared, or why she even thought of him as a friend. Was it only because he was more human than them? If that were the case, perhaps he would try harder to suppress his wolf.

"I am a great fighter. I know I can hold my own, that's the whole reason I became a caretaker. I don't particularly like to fight all that much, it's too testosterone fueled for me, but I know I can if it's needed. Part of being a caretaker is that you don't pick your own fights, they are chosen for you by your pack. I took the job because I knew I would be able to protect them, not because I feel like I have more empathy than them."

It was quite impossible for Clayton to wipe away the expression of clear surprise off his face as Violet spoke. These thoughts and worries, they hardly seemed like the type of things she would confess to anyone except herself. But here he was, standing there and taking it all in, and only now could he fully appreciate just how scared she was beneath her armour.

"Yeah okay this isn't confess your deepest darkest secrets time, we're not on Dr. Phil. Let's just... drop it." Her heart was thudding. She didn't want to be his savior, at least not a  therapeutic one. She wasn't someone he could rely on to take away all his pain. He wore his heart on his sleeve, there was far too much emotion for her to process. If he thought that she could in some way ease it then it would only get worse. Vi had her own heartaches to contend with, she didn't need his to add on top.

Perhaps he had taken it too far. Clayton groaned inwardly, wanting to turn his back and walk away from all this confusion and tension. He hadn’t meant to insult her,and he wanted to hide from his mistake. But he stayed where he was, because of something she had said. Something small, but oddly significant to him.

Had she said 'friend'? It must have slipped out in the heat of the moment. It wasn't something she'd considered before, but she guessed that in some form it was true. Clayton was the closest thing she had to a meaningful relationship. Vi wasn't sure if that knowledge was comforting or frightening. Perhaps it was a little of both.

He sighed. It seemed like that every time he spoke, he would always cause her concern or distress. It was probably better if he just kept quiet around her from now on. But he was quietly surprised; she had used his nickname, which wasn’t very common.

Annoyance crept up in her voice, matching the tremble in her hands. "If I don't do it who else will? You think you can cope all by yourself then be my guest. Become an omega. Leave the pack. Believe me Clayton, you couldn't last two minutes without getting yourself killed. I'm not just your caretaker, I'm your friend so why don't you get your head out of your ass and realize when you are out of your depth. You think I like having to support you every time you screw up, having to explain to the others that you are good enough to be in this pack. I'm not saying that you belong to me or anything, if I had no one else but you I'd hang myself, but if you genuinely think that you have to ask me to support you then fuck you."

Violet’s outburst silenced Clayton for a few seconds, not least because he was aware that there were suddenly tears in her eyes. “I don’t…okay, I’m sorry. Just, don’t cry again, this is gonna be okay. You are, anyway. I’m not sure what’s waiting for me after all this.”

"For gods sake Clay can you just-" Vi placed her head into her hands, pressuring the remaining tears from her eye, and stretches out her face, "can you not do the whole 'you'll be fine, I won't be act' please? If anything happens to you then nothing is okay. You're mine to protect." She paused to catch her breath, not allowing her gaze to meet his. "I wasn't crying. You piss me off that's all."

"I…whatever. I don’t see any other way out of this, but if your plan makes the rest of the pack happy, then so be it." He glared back at her. "Even if a girl’s life is just taken away." He bit his lip, knowing that all Violet wanted was to keep them all safe. But he couldn’t help himself.

Her lips stiffened to a straight line as red flushed her face. She was no longer interested in keeping herself cool. "You took away that girl's life Clayton, you did this. She gave herself a few extra months and we allowed that because she deserves that time, but you signed her death warrant the moment you lost your head. Don't come crying to me about morals when you abandoned yours."

"I didn’t murder her, Vi, so please don’t use that word.” His hands clench into fists, but he forces himself to calm down. “But if nothing happens, if they don’t do anything, we’re in the clear, aren’t we? There’s no need to make things worse by actually killing her.”

She drove her eyes into his, keeping herself as expressionless as possible. "How do we know they aren't planning some kind of attack Clayton, huh? Have you seen them roam around and act like everything's normal? If she disappears, we will know how much they know. We make it swift, we make it seem as if our hands are clean and then if they act we know that she told them about you. If nothing happens, then we are in the clear."

He rolled his eyes to himself. “You know what I mean.”

"You mean other than the fact that they don't seem to exist in this town anymore? Nope. Not a thing."