❛ don't have a lot left, just anger, and something to prove.

The tenseness was unmistakably there, like an electric field where it would send currents through your body if you hit a string. Where one wrong move would knock you to the ground and put weight on your back in the hope you’d never get up again. Where your ribs would crack by your own weight and you’d be stuck helplessly on the ground. Edmund learned to get up through the pain, learned how to adapt through the pain and to wear a mask in order to hide the pain. But now that mask was gone. And in his eyes, he reflected the sorrow Vincent was showing him, the guilt and perhaps even the shame. The shame of not knowing was normal to him, after all - Edmund had done everything to keep this from Reese and Vincent, to keep this from his family. He was slowly dying he knew. But not yet, he had still things to do, he still had dreams he still wanted-

what? Vincent? 

Yes, in a way that was true. He wanted to be loved by him, but there was a chance of losing him because of these feelings. He could only stare at him for a while.

Drip. Drip. Drip. It was a feeling like water droplets were falling into a bucket. Drip Drip Drip Drip. And then it happened, the bucket had reached its limit and the despair took over.

“How can you even say that! You don’t understand anything, Vincent! You don’t understand anything-” Tears started to well in Edmund’s eyes and he had to place his hands in front of them to cover his face. “You don’t understand how much I like you - You don’t know what it’s like to keep wishing what it would be like if we were more than just best friends. You don’t know what it’s like to be afraid of losing the one person that keeps you going right now do you?”

“I like you, Vincent, I have been liking you for years. Why did you think Reese introduced you to me in the first place, she knew!”

@vincentpxrter​

The words hurt; more than any punch ever could. Vincent thought he knew pain, the kind that lingered longer than any bruise or scar ever could, the emotional pain that never really left or would sneak up on you when you weren’t expecting it. He lived with it. He lasted years letting that kind of pain fester but this? This hurt. It hurt because he understood it far more than Edmund could ever understand. It hurt because he was still reeling from the reveal that had preceded it. 

And he was scared. 

Terrified. 

He wasn’t ready to spill his heart, to let every confession and dream he had, spill to the very person that had occupied his thoughts and dreams for so long. Despite imagining what it would be like to tell Edmund how he felt he never even in the slightest imagined that his friend would feel the same. Why would he? Edmund deserved far better than Vincent could ever give him. And yet here he stood with the other boy saying things he never could even dream of and instead of feeling overjoyed it felt hurt. 

Edmund was wrong, he could understand. He spent so long wishing he could tell him how he felt, to be more than friends; to be able to reach out and take his hand in his. How when they’d spend time together Vincent would spend much of his time staring at Edmund when he wasn’t looking with fondness; a fondness he himself didn’t think he was capable of. The truth of it was that even if Edmund didn’t realize it the boy brought out a side of himself that he hadn’t been aware of. A side of himself that selfishly wanted to be with another person (a boy who longed for isolation wanting nothing more to spend his days with another), a side where he felt himself feel soft; his hands not wanting to destroy but to hold another. 

He also understood the fear of losing someone who meant the world to him. A fear that he had been holding close since the moment he started realizing the sudden shift from annoyance to fondness. When he stopped thinking of Edmund as an annoyance and of someone who he greatly cared for because with the sudden shift came the fear and doubts. He feared that Edmund would realize that he deserved better than a friend who only ever caused pain; that one of these days when Edmund was pulling him out of another fight he’d give up on Vincent. 

And yet, Vincent didn’t know how to say any of this. He couldn’t figure out how to muster the words that needed to be said. Instead he found himself staring blankly at the other boy trying to will himself to do something; to say anything. 

He wished to say something profound, something that really captured what he felt but he had never been good with words had he? No, which is why even if he hated himself for it what came out instead was, “No.” 

It was stupid and he quickly tried to make up for it with all his words tumbling out into one giant mess. 

Once again: tw suicidal thoughts, tw suicidal attempt, tw self-harm

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tw: mentions of suicidal themes

trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm and depression

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‘ We only have each other now. ‘

Edmund’s words were bittersweet. He wanted nothing more than to focus on how at first the words had made him feel warm, like a comforting blanket on a cold night, because they have each other. That no matter what he had someone solid to lean on. However, like everything else in his life nothing good could ever last and that once warm feeling had turned bitter; like a chill settling deep in his bones because they only have each other. That there was this glaring empty spot because Reese wasn’t there and he was scared that she never would be again. He wanted to close his eyes and replay this moment that was happening but in a world where Reese was in the distance; doing whatever it is she does, laughing in the background unaware that Vincent’s whole world is shifting on it’s axis. 

If only he could offer Vincent the strength he truly needed. The type of strength that could take away the anger. He could feel the trembling through his hold, and quietly felt his heartbreak because Vincent deserved better. If only Vincent knew that he had been the light in the dark days, and he didn’t have to do anything special. He just had to be near. He remained quiet because he knew that sometimes it was better to not say anything at all. He’d never hurt him, Edmund was aware of this. He didn’t have it in his heart to willingly hurt someone. His hands were not build to protect or to hurt, they were there to ease the sorrow of others while being incapable of easing his own sorrows and dark thoughts. He could talk about it with Reese but he didn’t think he’d ever could tell this to Vincent. Not because he couldn’t trust him, but because he was afraid Vincent would understand. That scared him. 

It seemed like Vincent was oblivious to the fact that Edmund didn’t expect a reply. He didn’t desire words, the quiet was easier today. He, however, couldn’t forget his hand holding Vincent, and he hoped his heartbeat wouldn’t pulse through. Shame. That was what he should be feeling right now, right? Shame?  Yet why was it that his hand fit so perfectly in Vincent’s, and why had he never noticed it before. A soft laugh escaped his lips, but a wave of sadness lingered. “You are right about that.” It wouldn’t be terrible to be lost somewhere with Vincent. Away from the parents that only cared about their own selfish needs. No longer the pressure of taking over the family business, being able to talk about the things he loved with the person he…

Liked.

He sighed, his mind was really being torturous today. “As long as we both can manage.” The night would soon be cold, and depending on it, they would carry homewards again if only to get some warmth. Though that was only what the house offered him, food and warmth. Never what both boys so deeply deserved, truly being cared for. “We can, I have no intention to go home just yet.”

@vincentpxrter​

“Good thing I have practice.” He stated easily, referring to all the times he’d find himself driving away from home, and this town that often felt like a curse, putting as much distance as he could. He’d drive until he was low on gas or until he felt at ease; or rather as at ease as a boy made out of anger could be. He’d stay away as long as he could until his guilt sunk in for leaving Emma alone with nothing but her worries of where he was or until someone told him to come back. He never really knew what he was running from just that he was running. Maybe it was from the memories that haunted him, the ghost of a girl who may not even be dead, or worse: trying to run from himself.  

After all, when it came down to it all his fears and anger stemmed back to himself. The fear of how far he could go without even realizing until the damage was already done. How no matter what set him off the anger would always rear it’s ugly head for a second appearance long after the incident; when he was left alone with only himself. Where all that leftover anger would be directed at himself; for being who he was. For harboring a monster within; a monster made of only hatred (at everyone), guilt (for making the ones he cared about suffer, and one he didn’t ever like to admit: sadness. 

Edmund knew about Vincent losing control, but he didn’t fear him. He didn’t fear the emotions that could overcome his friend like a whirlwind and drag everyone towards him to destroy everything that came within his reach. But never could he fear Vincent. Not even if his skin would tear, his eyes would end with a black eye and his skin turn from blue to purple to yellow to normal again. Physical pain was temporary. He wouldn’t say how he knew of such a thing because he believed nothing could stop Vincent if he ever found out about the bruises and scars he carried with him. Edmund was just as broken as vincent was, but instead of anger, it was a ringing sadness that never truly left. A depression the doctors had called it, yet he had refused to take any medication for it. He was fine.

But he wasn’t.

If vincent was the Torns then Edmund was the weed that couldn’t become a flower, to begin with. That didn’t get enough light or was made incapable to reach to the sun. He was surounded by people that cared for him, or at least pretended they did. It scared him. It scared him so much that all of this, was nothing more than a lie. He needed Reese to secure him, to tell him it was all in his head but Reese was gone. And in some moments, moments he least expected that pain of her missing wrapped him up like a blanket and suffocated him. For a moment, so briefly, he couldn’t even look at Vincent. He was disgusted with himself. He had to shake the feeling off, he had to breathe.

To hell with it. He knew Vincent would say something if he minded something, so his hand slipped into his, trembling and wondering if it was crossing a line. And what should he do when he crossed the line that shouldn’t be crossed, would he be alone again? “Let’s just wander without a goal, I know this place by heart, we won’t get lost.” He promised. 

@vincentpxrter​

One moment he was willing his hands and thoughts to be still, begging to not make his feelings known, and the next Edmund’s hand was intertwined with his. It was almost too much for him to comprehend, to distinguish that this was actually happening and not just a figment of his own mind running wild. It was really just a simple gesture that was so foreign to him: it wasn’t the harsh and brutal impact of one too many fists meeting his face, it wasn’t hands connecting with his shoulders only to push him with the intent to hurt. Yet, it startled him because of how simple it was and how it’s intent was not to harm. It was more like all the times Reese would grab his wrist to pull him along to wherever she intended him to go despite his own protests; that weren’t all that direct as he never put up much of a fight and just let her pull him along. However, this time it was different because it was Edmund. 

There were times where Edmund wished he could read minds, how he wondered how people truly thought of him. In a way, he was afraid when Reese left his friends would too. He believed Vincent would be the first to leave. It wasn’t that he doubted their friendship, that certainly wasn’t the case. But Reese was the one who kept everyone together, there had been moments where he feared that he’d end up alone again simply because Reese no longer was here. And a big part of him wanted Vincent to stay. 

Because he trusted him.

Vincent was someone who was quite tricky to understand, especially the anger that welled up from time to time. Edmund never got upset because of it, he didn’t mind the roughness that captivated his friend. Someday, when he was brave enough, he’d tell Vince exactly that. That day however undoubtly wouldn’t be today. Because where Vincent was a strong guy, one that couldn’t turn down a fight if the wrong buttons were pressed, Edmund was a coward. 

He was a coward to his parents, his dreams and now to his feelings.

He nodded. “Alright, let’s go.” He became quiet, hoping that the air would give him answers to the same questions he been asking himself every day. 

How can I be brave?

@vincentpxrter​

He was no stranger to losing control. Feeling a spiral of emotions take over until he no longer felt in charge of his own body; where one moment he felt present and then the next he was a shell of himself looking outward onto the mess he had made. It happened far too often that it had became expected, that he no longer felt shocked at how his hands had turned into weapons; of shattered things and bruised knuckles, painting his hands with all the evidence of his anger and how easy it was to lose himself. Just like that he wouldn’t recognize himself. A sad story of how a boy who thought he could be something; something kind and good was so inherently not and still had the audacity to be surprised. 

He was the thorn among a bundle of flowers; the danger hiding itself in something beautiful. How he’d surround himself with people who were so caring and beautiful in a way he’d never be as if he had any right to think he was apart of it. With Reese missing, painfully absent from his life, a missing piece leaving it just Edmund and Vincent it felt wrong and not just because Reese should still be here with them but because there was no one else to fill the silence to distract Edmund. It was just Edmund and his eyes putting all this attention onto Vincent. Stirring up the feelings he kept hidden within; it was making it harder to keep it a secret. 

There was a little ring of frustration Edmund felt in this moment, it was because he was helpless in this. He couldn’t take Vincent’s pain away and it just ate at him from his insides. He gave his friend a tiny squeeze as he figured out what would be the right words to say. Being someone who didn’t talk often led to having to carefully think about how to word your conversations. Edmund wasn’t the greatest at it after all. But he couldn’t look away from that look in Vincent’s eyes and he had to do something. 

He was relieved Vincent knew that his feelings were valid. It, however, made the young male look rather small. He wished he could take every piece of frustration, anger and pain away from Vince but he knew that he couldn’t. Only when Reese was found…Alive. Things would be easier for both of them. They would be at peace. Somewhere Edmund kept believing she was alive, perhaps not safe but alive since nobody had been found. It wasn’t any of them’s fault. But it still felt like this could have been prevented. 

A small smile came on his lips as Vincent told him that he would be there for him too. Edmund knew this. “I know buddy.” Vincent wasn’t the easiest guy to hang with, but he would always have his back. “Want to go for a walk?” Maybe some fresh air would do both of them well.

@vincentpxrter​

Hesitantly he brought his gaze back up towards his friend, scared that perhaps Edmund would be able to look at him and see the truth. The terrifying truth of how much Vincent truly cared for him. It was daunting for the boy who never liked showing his emotions that wasn’t anger; because anger was easy, it came more naturally than breathing. Vincent had always held violence like others might hold hands. 

But he’s trying. God, he’s trying so hard to keep his hands still. To keep his hands from breaking, destroying, and causing pain. Wants to train his hands to be gentle so one day he might be able to touch him– To reach out and let his thumb drag across the tops of Edmund’s hands. But the reality was that no matter how hard he tried he’d never be gentle, never be capable of touching something beautiful and not have it shatter in his hands. 

Edmund found it hard to believe that Vincent could ever forget but decided not to comment onto it because he could see the pain flinching in Vincent’s eyes. He didn’t like it, but he too had been struggling with the missing piece in their group. Like Vincent Edmund didn’t talk about it, focussed on the farm and school to keep his mind occupied. Yet there were moments where Reese would pop up in his mind and he’d search for solitude and cried about the insecurity that came with his missing friend.

“It’s okay to miss her, I miss her too.” Edmunds’s voice softened. “I miss her jokes, the pranks she pulled on us and I miss how she got the group together.” Reese was so important to all of them, and at times he hated that life had just moved forward. He smiled softly. “I know what you mean-” His eyes diverted downwards yet his hands never moved away from Vincent. “We have each other, and if things get hard on you I’m always here okay?”

@vincentpxrter​

He couldn’t bring himself to look at Edmund and instead stared downward, where his friends hands were placed on his knees. The same hands that Vincent had to drown the urge to touch, to extinguish the fire blazing within so he didn’t reach out and let his fingertips trail across the skin. His eyes taking in every curve and line; it was easier to stare at them than to look Edmund in the eyes because this moment it felt fragile and Vincent was no stranger to shattering beautiful fragile things. His hands only knowing violence.

Vincent in a cheerio outfit, now that was an image that was going to stick in his head for weeks now. “Nah I mean just showing up is enough for me, maybe a pat on the back to get extra motivated. I just know I don’t have to ask my parents and you know support is support.” He chuckled. “Oh man you with pom-poms NO one would believe it if that was an actual thing, they’d think you lost a bet or something.” His grin widened. “I can’t unsee it now, vincent my personal cheerleader.” And then the giggles turned into full-on laughter. “Sorry, sorry…” He said between the laugh and then it faltered at the moment Reese was mentioned. And he immediately could see the guilt on Vincent’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay.” It was difficult for both of them, it was hard to believe at times that Reese was missing. “We both miss Reese, it’s normal and honestly I don’t want to pretend like Reese wasn’t a part of our lives.” Talking wasn’t easy but trying to act like Reese who brought all of them together didn’t exist was much worse. He put his hands on Vincent’s knees and looked at him with worry in his eyes. “We got each other, I’m not leaving you- okay?”

@vincentpxrter​ 

“I forgot.” How could he forget? That was the part that had made it the most painful. He felt guilty that while Reese was missing (maybe dead) he was here laughing with Edmund like nothing was wrong and it was so easy that he didn’t even know he was doing it. With each second passing he felt the frustration manifest and morph into anger; anger at himself but the sudden contact of Edmund's hands against him brought him back to reality. 

Edmund wasn’t really sure. “I don’t know if it was simple I’d already have signed up for special science classes like my teacher asked me to.” He sighed deeply. “Maybe I should, I can just tell my parents that they are worried about my grades, they never really asked how I did at school anyway.” He just hoped that conversation wouldn’t be led to them asking him to drop out because then he really can say goodbye to his dream. “What do you think, should I just go for the science team. You’ll just have to become my personal cheerleader.” He snickered playfully though deep down he did hope his friends would be there in moments like that. 

He placed his hand against his chest and faked an injury. “My heart is broken Vincent how could you.” The smile on his face revealed he wasn’t as hurt. “But no, I’m actually very glad you came into my life buddy.”

@vincentpxrter​

“If joining the science team is something you want you should do it.” Vincent stated, without hesitation, “I’ll support you but if you’re expecting pom poms and catchy cheers you better go find someone else.” It never failed to terrify Vincent the things he would do for Edmund that he won’t normally have the capacity for. It was like Edmund came and dug out this person inside him that he didn’t know was there. Someone who was more than just anger and hostility; someone who could smile and just be without fear of that anger rearing it’s ugly head. 

“I mean yeah- but you know.” Well, he didn’t know what he could say to that it was, in fact, his life, but could he live knowing he disappointed his parents. Family and friends meant everything to Edmund. He just wanted to make as many people as possible happy even if that meant making some personal sacrifices. He didn’t have many friends due to his shyness, that’s why he valued those he had. “I know you are just looking out for me, and like always I appreciate it, but I don’t think it’s that simple.” At least it didn’t feel simple to him. There were so many things that could upset his parents, be it that he liked science and space or that he wasn’t only interested in girls. Maybe he wasn’t as tall as his parents wanted, maybe he didn’t do enough every single day. 

He had to laugh at how blunt Vincent was being, it made him feel cared for. “And this is why I love you, my dude, you are like the greatest buddy someone ever could wish for.” He warmly smiled. “Yeah it’s fucked up but- you know me, I’ll make it someday.”

@vincentpxrter​

“I think it is that simple.” What are you so afraid of? Was the question he really wanted to ask but wouldn’t allow himself to ask out loud. Despite always letting Edmund know that he thought he shouldn’t just blindly follow what his parents want he only said so much. He knew that there was a unseen line in the ground one he wouldn’t cross too far, even though he usually didn’t have that kind of self control when it came to most of his outbursts. It was easier around Edmund, he was this grounding force that made him feel calm despite all the anger he usually held within. It was like it was easier to breathe around his friend, who made him feel like he wasn’t a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. Edmund treated him like he treated anyone else and never treated him differently even after one of his infamous outbursts.

“Of course you won’t.” Edmund grinned, being happy to see his buddy smile, earning a smile from Vincent was like winning the lottery. It was rare and at times it made him feel a bit warm inside knowing Vincent was comfortable enough around him. Especially…after what happened to Reese. It was something he didn’t talk about, not without Vincent starting. It was hard to talk about Reese, especially cause at times it feels like people just…lived on with their lives. 

“I mean, I don’t know man. It’s my parents, I wouldn’t be able to go to college if they said no. I just-” It was a conflicting situation. “Maybe someday, I mean I’m young and smart and handsome.” He chuckled. “The last one was a joke obviously but you get my point, I can always take over the farm a few years, raise money to hire staff and then go to college.” There should be a middle way here.

@vincentpxrter​

“It’s your life Edmund. No one else’s.” He had never been silent about how he thought his friend should follow his own path, not the one determined by his parents. He watched as Edmund continually struggled to make his parents happy and Vincent never quite understood it. Maybe it was because he never had a connection with his own parents, who barely showed up in his life. His mom sent away to rehab and his father barely around and when he was he only ever cared about reminding Vincent about how he was a irredeemable screw up. So, perhaps it was hard for him to relate to Edmund but he still thought that he deserved happiness. After all if anyone deserved everything they wanted it was him. What do you want? He wanted to ask but he was afraid of the answer. 

“Oh come on vincent, you aren’t gonna tell me you lost your sense of humour. He nudged his friend for a bit before playfully smiling. “Yeah, of course, you didn’t go to the party, you wouldn’t have any fun without me….right?” This is why Edmund didn’t tease often, his insecurity always slipped in sooner or later. “Yeah well, I hate to disappoint them. Maybe I’ll just be both?” To this day he still feared what his parents would think if he said no to the farm. “I just don’t like to see them unhappy, man.”

@vincentpxrter​