Hey, watch us moon!

"I am on a dark planet, lit by no sun. There is a dark ocean near me, waves like canyons, the roar of water like a wounded animal. The shore is scattered with rocks, grey and featureless. No sign of the well leading up, only a hole in one of the rocks from which I have just emerged. And hunched against one of the rocks, is what I have been looking for. Here is the murderer of Marcus Vanston. "

"I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, listeners. Things are a real sheet show right now. You know, like when you hang up your sheets and then a big wind comes and blows them all into the trees, which scares the birds, who fly into traffic, and cause tons of car accidents? Total sheet show."

"Jalen Rutherford woke up on the wrong side of the bed. No hooch last night, just a dame dancing around in that gravy can of his. He can't shake the thought of her. She's a looker, to be sure, but she's trouble, and everyone knows it. But what woman isn't trouble, Jalen thinks. Actually, a whole host of gals are pretty balanced people, he corrects himself."

"Hey, does anyone hear that sound behind the sky? It’s like a hundred matches being struck at once, or it’s like the bones in your pinky finger snapping, or it’s like teeth being run through an industrial grinder. I would say in the sky but that’s not right. In the sky there are clouds and black helicopters and unidentified aircraft. Normal stuff like that. But this sound is coming from behind the sky.  Does anyone hear it? It sounds like a heart breaking, or it sounds like an important letter being torn up, or it sounds like the way that losing at chess feels. It’s the darndest thing. Haven’t heard anything like it, and I also didn’t know sounds came from behind the sky, so I’m learning a lot right now. "

"He will have to retire soon. Before that happens, of course, he will need to choose a successor. The importance of the work is invisible, which can be frustrating at times. But that’s the reality. The right person will understand this. The right person will be an independent self-starter who’s passionate about customer service, able to fully regenerate their own body, and prepared to experience constant pain and terror during the course of an average workday. That’s the description of the position, and those are the qualifications." 

"Night Vale, as you know today is April first, which is, of course, April Fools Day. This is a day where we celebrate pranks and tricks and lies in order to laugh about other people feeling bad. Through gaslighting, and maybe even threats of harm, we put others through a rollercoaster of emotions. And in the end they don’t really feel joy, so much as anger soothed only by relief."

"I know it looks bad, I’m aware. I know it also looks bad that I was loitering outside his mansion an hour before he died, but I swear it’s only because we were supposed to have a meeting but he refused to see me. And I was only holding a big knife because I was on my way to murder someone else in the name of my god, but he kept me waiting so long that I missed that appointment too. Frankly it was a bad day for me, and you all asking a lot of questions about it are not making it any better. So just, knock it off, ok?

"Also, as is usual for a sandstorm, I can see everyone's doubles out there on the hunt for flesh. Thin black shadows shambling through the dust clouds. In fact, I can see the faint outline of two men and a little boy standing just on the edge of our lawn staring at our house. I cannot make out faces, but I think I already know what they look like."

"I think if I was the last person on earth, I would probably still be broadcasting. And times like right now, when Antler Cove is on and everyone’s at home watching, it almost feels like I am the last person on earth. No one’s out driving or walking their dog. No one’s running errands or working or socialising. The whole city is dark and quiet except for the glow of screens behind closed curtains and the sound of my voice bouncing around the atmosphere with no one to hear it. I’m a tree in the forest, falling. A man in a radio booth, droning. A person doing something for his own satisfaction, even in a vacuum, even when there’s no one to witness it. I guess that has to be enough sometimes."

"Have you tried unplugging it and then not plugging it back in? Welcome to Night Vale."

"But first, a word from our sponsors. For that we take it to Deb the Sentient patch of haze." "Thanks Cecil. Always happy to serve at the altar of capitalism."