Victoria Nordeen

Is lowering expectations a form of prayer? Are expectations a form of anxiety?  And shouldn’t we hand our burdens over to God?  Sometimes at night, I am aware of anxiety that I have to quiet within myself.  Many times I have put expectations on myself and have anxiety when I don’t think I will get them done.  Books to read. Goals for my daughter. Things I forgot to do with my faulty memory. Worries about the health of my husband. Thinking about how I handle my relationships. Letters I haven’t put down on paper. Money management I am late handling. Exercises I let slip by today. Grandma used to say to me, “Turn your worries over to God.  That is what God is for.” I strive to simplify the day and therefore have fewer expectations of myself.  On myself? With myself?  Prepositions matter. Where we place our expectations matters too.

So my blood pressure is high.  And the doctor’s office has a worksheet.  On it are goals and tips disguised as goals.  One of the goals is, “Lower your expectations.”  I immediately thought of my daughter who is out of the mainstream and has no vocational goals.  However, she volunteers once a week at the local food pantry and is a valued worker.  We were recently working with a vocational rehab counselor.  He closed the case on her for now as she has no need nor desire to get a job.  We went through an entire six-month process to get her to that point.  That’s one expectation.  Number two:  my husband.  His BMI is way up and he continues to eat ice cream, sit on the couch daily for hours and downs an impressive amount of brown liquor every evening. Number three:  myself.  I have rules for myself.  Exercise every day.  Eat according to plan.  Do things.  Create things.  Be financially responsible.  Read daily. ETC. I’m a crafter and need to sell the things I have made as they pile up around me. Number four and final expectation:  Life will go in the direction I want.  I’m 67. I am not happy about the state of the planet, women’s rights, stupid people, and the wasted opportunity for life and humans to be better.  So this is part one.  I will sit with this and see what I come up with. Time to go write in the positive journal.  

What a perfect example of the Book of Job!  Complaining, groveling, simpering, and blaming. “Today I complain bitterly, because God has been cruel and made me suffer.”  Murray’s character is such an entitled victim of his own arrogance, boredom, entitlement and talent.  There is no mention of God in this movie, but it is by far one of the most theological movies ever created.  What if you had the chance to make your life into something?  What if things went wrong and your perfect existence was challenged? Would you connive?  Would you manipulate?  Would you make things worse before you gave up and turned your life over humbly and enacted your better self?  “Job, are you really innocent in the eyes of God?” The only thing that saves our character is humility and love. “Why do you talk so much when you know so little?  Now get ready to face me.” Our hero never understands the forces at play in his altered, weirdly time-traveling but not quite science fiction reality.  But he does learn that he is not in control of his destiny, and yet the universe holds in store for him all the things he could not imagine for his life. Job and Groundhog Day, the movie. two examples of the human experience.  (References from Extreme Faith, Contemporary English Version.) ##

 Whether it is over pot, California protecting its workforce, environmental issues of offshore drilling, climate/drought mitigation, or public lands, the civil war predicted upon the ultimate takedown of Donald Trump will not be north versus south, but rather east versus west.  Bring on your little battles and your confederate attorney general Jeff Sessions and Thug army La Migra. California will take you and your presidency down and emerge the victorious leader to put America back on track.  Welcome to the golden state. Now go home.

I once taught a lesson as a substitute teacher to a second grade class that included recognition of a journalist. After I explained what a journalist is and does, a hand shot up. The student excitedly exclaimed with excitement, "I'm a journalist!" He told me how he wants to write about things that happen and showed me the little book he was already working on. I of course admired, praised and encouraged him. Then, I said quite spontaneously, "We are all journalists, able to record and transmit information." Being on Twitter since January, 2017, I often reflect on what I said that day. I have, through my corespondent "course" on news and opinion expressed in 140 character bites been able to witness ordinary people speaking up about what they see, hear or experience. I have become acquainted with brave men and women, very intelligent and thoughtful, who stand up and persist in trying to get information so we can make meaning out of our world. I believe if it were not for the courage to communicate what is going on that we would be unable to articulate, project and take action. I am quite sure that young boy will continue to write thoughtfully about the world he sees. I am thankful for brave people who everyday seek the news. I humbly blog and reflect and am proud to be one of the many who illuminate our lives.

I don’t think white privilege is an easily defined concept and it made me uncomfortable to consider it.  I will continue to explore it.    

One day, I will write my political blog entry. But for now, I write about my blog. I am a semi-retired teacher with a California special ed teaching credential. I have moved to Oregon with my husband. He is fully retired from the high tech Silicon Valley electronics industry. Now that we are settled, it's time for me to re-invent myself. Again. I haven't written for a while because I took a five-week substitute job for a teacher of English Language Development. It inspired me to take my teaching skills to a new place and seek an endorsement to teach students basic English skills. I love languages and I love teaching. Plus I speak some Spanish. Hence, the reinventing. So back to college AGAIN! Also, my first born has turned 30 this spring. She is a lovely woman with special needs and planning and executing her birthday vacation has been time consuming, but a labor of love. I write this blog as a personal challenge, as a back up to my twitter account, and to express and document my ideas in essay form. Social media is vital to communication. I continue to learn the nuances of technical and social arts by blogging. I am a real person amongst other real people and strive to shape our world in a positive way.

When I was young, we went to drive-in movie theaters, swam and fished in wild rivers, camped in US Forest Service campsites, and had a dog and numerous cats. We ate homemade gnocchi and pasta from Nonni's wooden kitchen board. We danced to Nonno's beautiful Italian accordion in a decorated garage filled with cousins of cousins. We gigged frogs at night, and enjoyed abalone Grandpa picked off the local coastal rocks. We clammed and played with children of our parent's friends on memorable outings. We didn't have experiences, we lived life fully. In fact, I never heard of the term "experience" relating to discreet events that can be immediately weighed against some ideal. As if children are entitled to a particular childhood and there is a norm for what to expect. That brings me to the concept of issues. What are issues? Issues are created by experiences that do not live up to expectations. Issues are discreet mental possessions that neatly package our dissatisfaction so we can give it to the person who has disappointed us. We never had issues as children. It's a relatively new concept. It's almost, again, indicative of a sense of entitlement. It's a response to experiences that didn't go the way they were supposed to. It's as if we don't live life and accept what comes, but rather expect a programmed life that follows a set of rules. We are removed from authentic experiences of dinner in a garage and expect more Disneyland. We judge each event against a template someone showed us on TV. Experiences and issues. Part of a packaged life. But life doesn't always stay in the box.

I was leery of Trump when he first announced his candidacy solely on the basis of the vibe I got from him. I stood by still unconvinced as his campaign picked up speed and my circle of people said, “I like how he says what he thinks.” I watched the debates, listened to his speeches, and heard my circle of people excuse his failings. I was never convinced or even slightly swayed. Post election, I am horrified. Every day I see damage to the environment, a lowering of standards of behavior, racism, an attack on consumer protections, a war on women, and a sloppy approach to covert war. This week alone, there was fear a major damn on the Euphrates river would fail from USA precision bombs. I now see his history of contradiction, his inhumanity, and his distain for the humans whose support he thrived upon. For every sensible thing he seems to be doing, there is a spray of nonsensical or illogical actions. The reason for this essay is to start thinking about the post-Trump era. I really feel Trump is apocalyptic. By apocalyptic I mean end of times. The election of Trump has ushered in a new era very rapidly. Continuing at this pace, in eight years we will be living in a very different America. Start imagining.

Today I found a website called Reason.com and saw the word libertarianism. It made me wonder if “I are one”. I will explore that in depth after spring break (as becoming something new is a bigger issue than I want to take on while vacationing). But it made me wonder if choosing a political party is like choosing a religion. How do you know if you are liberal or conservative, or libertarian or independent or green or what have you? Do you have to accept the party platforms? Or can you force your own definitions on the parties? Just like alignment with a religion, what if you don’t quite fit the mold? Are you allowed to pick and choose those beliefs and values you hold dear like at a buffet? We live amongst people who reject the binary and refuse to be defined. They are not the fiscal majority, but have accepted that and it’s ok not to be powerful. Our old paradigms are crumbling in the midst of a time when society itself seems to be rejecting platforms for principles. We’ll see, and I’ll report back if I find my label.