Vexatious Universe

i cry all the time.

my mom left me. (said she's never coming back)

i turned eighteen.

got kicked out, but i'm still here. idk

i'm stuck in this place.

alone.

can't start school (last year) yet;

i'm broke.

my parents aren't paying for nothing.

sad, very sad. 

and there's nothing i can do to help myself.

still haven't learned to drive. 

still no id, license, no nothing. 

can't sell nothing on etsy when i 

can't get to a post office.

don't have money for supplies.

cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut

I'm at the moment when all you want to do is cry but can't. I can't because I don't have the time to, and even if I do, someone will see me. I have all these problems but no one to help me. I listen but what can I really do? really? Everyday is a breaking point for me, somehow parents never seem to get it. grandparents, or any relatives. I just want to be left alone, leave me the fuck alone. God can disable me or let me die, right now everyone think i'm such a bad person now, just wait until they find out about the other demons i have and am fighting. just wait. they will think of me as a monster, but i don't give a fuck.

5-2-12 = 5 times (arm)

5-3-12 = 21 times (in a journal it said 14) (Both thighs)

I'll continue to add as I go on...It'll stop one day. One day

Last night I cut myself fourteen times. I know it was a lot, but I could've added more. I tried not to cut that whole day, but sadly I fell into the pit of giving in. By the time I finished, I forgot to call my best friend back.

Yesterday, I felt pathetic and the true hurt of loneliness. My reason of simple terms is because I don't have relationships with people the way it is supposed to be and I was deeply irritated. Guessing that it came from being around others yesterday when silence was needed. Anyways, I don't walk around malls or anywhere looking for friends or boyfriends. Also, I do not feel sorry for myself. Some people feel sorry for themselves because they're lonely, but I just sense that I need time to find someone that will take me along with my past. It sounds cliche but it means a lot.

Honestly cutting wasn't intended. I just wanted to get high, but getting weed around here isn't easy. Because I don't have contacts like I did in Boston. Being sober isn't bad at all thinking is no different when I am high or not. I just want to feel unaware of these personal issues and people that surround me in this part of the universe. I cut yesterday because I didn't have weed. Somethings never go as I plan but stopping myself from cutting more than 14 times actually met my expectations.