fine

falling asleep sandwiched between the love of my life and our dog >>>>>

i stopped posting here for a while but i just want to document that yesterday i was having a hard time and telling my partner some of the things i was thinking, and they literally grabbed my face and very firmly said “hey! that’s my girlfriend and i like her! stop being mean to her!” and it was so sweet and funny that it sort of snapped me out of my spiral, and i just feel very lucky to have someone who knows me and loves me and cares for me so well

wow my brain is being so mean SHUT UP

i am safest when i am silent

my brain has felt so incredibly broken the past few weeks that i’m getting genuinely scared, but adult life is just…i have to keep going?? i have to survive it and try to be normal?? like what’s the alternative??

cope at any cost

sometimes i truly hate myself. i don’t know why i can’t be better and more—more relaxed, more alert, better at managing my anxiety and reacting to disappointment, more stable, more straightforward, better at planning, better at talking about my hard feelings, better at coping, more deserving, more realistic, more understanding, more honest, better at being alone, better at asking for what i want, better at being self contained and not needing other people to regulate myself against (better at not needing), more reliable, more desirable, more worthwhile. it all feels impossible, but i just want you all to know that i am desperately trying.