in lonesome silence

     “ Oh, I know that feeling well. ”

     Everything in his life had been taken from him before A-Min fell into it. And everything within his life would be taken again when he left it. It had taken so long for him to feel okay again. Some days he wondered if he even was without him. Though, given the fact that he was what must've surely drawn the Laughter to the smaller – at least they knew that he'd be happy with where they were. With the fact that they had finally gotten to be free. After all, he had tried to move the very stars above to give them such a thing. Back before the Preceptors decided theirs was not a love meant to be.

     The more he listens, the more their stories seem similar, really. Short visits interrupted by servants and care takers. Two people that loved each other more than anything – even despite one of them being labeled a monster by their people. Suffocating under the weight of responsibility that became easy to manage with another by their side.

     “ I think the only reason they let me around him as often as they did was because he was a Diviner. The Preceptors oft used them to keep me in check… but he was always different. never thinking of me as a monster like everyone else did. He saw me as a person. Said that my dreams and wants were just as important as everyone else's. ”

     They let out a soft, contented sigh. This is the first time that they'd been able to really talk about him at length. The love of their immortal life. The one person in the entire world who had made things feel… alright. Nothing was heavy when they were together. It felt… right. Just perfectly correct.

     “ I'm sure that he is… you deserve that light of hope. That possibility that things are alright. Wherever he is, I'm sure he thinks of you. And misses you. ”

     Fingers knit together now as Eros' gaze remains on his lap instead of looking up at his companion. He'd give anything if he could have that possibility. If there were some place in the world that A-Min still lingered. Even if he had to be so far that they could never speak again.

   A horrible tragedy of a story. One that brings a pang of sorrow to his own heart, to know that such a thing had to be suffered by someone he cared for now like family he never truly had. Suppose if there was ever something he had to be grateful for regarding his lost love was that he wasn't made to suffer the grief of truly knowing- let alone watching- his partner was dead. He could still cling to that fading bit of hope, could still think that maybe one day he'd see Lukan again.

   A long pause before he speaks again, he was never good at comforting people, but that didn't mean he couldn't try. Like they had done for him time and time again during his panicked fits.

   ❝I think the best thing you could have done is stayed.❞

   Something hard to say knowing they had to watch as he died, but it was true in his mind.

HARSH   WORDS   TO   BE   UTTERED,   AND   HARSHER   STILL   TO   BE   BELIEVED.   She   cannot   agree   with   them,   could   she?   Not   when   such   a   sentiment   sounds   like   something   carved   from   an   old   abrasion,   left   to   fester   deep   within.   Only   someone   severely   hurt   who   has   grown   accustomed   to   being   unseen   could   offer   such   words   with   so   little   hesitancy.   Everyone   deserves   to   be   noticed,   whether   for   grand   deeds   or   smaller   things   most   fail   to   recognize.   Why,   then,   should   he   be   any   different?   Curiosity   piques,   though   she   refuses   to   follow   it   too   far.   Boundaries,   questions   she   has   not   earned   the   privilege   to   ask.   Still,   she   cannot   deny   there   is   something   rather   mysterious   about   him.   ❝   I'm   sorry,   but   I   can't   agree   with   that.   Everyone   deserves   to   be   noticed.   ❞   Who   would   think   she   might   find   such   peculiar   company   in   this   inn?

   ❝Then I fear we must agree to disagree.❞

   Yes, most people should be noticed- what for varied, naturally-, but he wasn't most people. His core nature was better off this way, he was better at playing the ghost than the prince. Or at least he thought so. Certainly made things easier on himself, made it easier to see himself in a better light, a dim light, but a kinder light nonetheless. This wasn't home, strangers wouldn't understand, did that make this odd head turn.. bad ? So far she seemed kind enough, shared beliefs leading to a “good” image certainly, but how far did that extend ?

   A quick study of the face then, taught like his elders, trying to glean anything that might show otherwise. A gleaning bringing nothing in return, if there was any ill intentions there would surely be a sign in the body language somewhere. Soft sigh leaving his lips as he seemingly shifts disposition into something more friendly. He wasn't outgoing, far far from it, but that didn't mean he couldn't speak to an odd soul who could “see” him.

     Ah – he seems to regret it as soon as he asks. Or, maybe only to an extent as he starts to speak. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, after all. Suppose, then, he wanted to share in something they could both understand. Or, perhaps he was hoping that there would be some connection they could speak on together. And sorrows seemed plenty for people like them – ones who longed for acceptance from others.

     Even if acceptance meant pushing through what so terrified him.

     The younger at least didn't seem to mind waiting. Didn't mind being the one to share first.

     “ I see… I am glad then that you met someone who must've no doubt meant so much to you. ”

     He fiddles idly with the yarn in his lap for a moment. How to find the words that he could share..? It would be best if they both partook in the conversation, after all. Would be easier to connect. To let down those metaphorical walls.

   ❝He means more than the world to me.❞

   How could he not ? But it was not his time to speak, no, he would sit and listen with open ears and sparkling eyes. A traveler… What a grand life that must have been. He travelled now, but it was different. He wasn't a traveler on his own whim really, he didn't know the first thing about it, he only went where was available to him without much of an interest in the destination. Maybe that's one of the main reasons why he had ended up in such a position he was when running into the other, but it wasn't a bad thing ! Not when it introduced him to someone he had grown to care for, someone he could call a friend, someone who understood and wasn't scared of him.

   What a grand love that must've been. No doubt those nights were something the other looked forward to, just as he looked forward to each visit from Lukan. Made him wish he was permitted more freedom in who could see him when he was home, how nice of a memory it would've been to be able to spend the night together speaking and gazing at the stars.

   ❝I wasn't granted such things sadly, our visits were short and often interrupted by servants obeying my parents' orders to keep contact with me short as possible. But even so we found time, short as it was, no doubt if I had been born human I wouldn't have had those restrictions… Crown prince is a far less busy role as one might think, or at least so I assume from watching my brother. A second prince doesn't matter, even less when he's a monster that must be hid from the public, but I mattered to him.❞

   Only him it seemed like most of the time, but one person is more than enough to make the world feel a bit brighter. A bit less suffocating, a bit less terrifying.

   ❝I wasn't able to see him in the end. When he was called away to fight a selfish war. If I regret anything it's that, that I wasn't able to defy my parents' will just the one time to see him one last time before he disappeared from my life. Letters stopped coming, I was never allowed to ask about anyone without punishment either, I try to keep thinking he's alive, but in the end I'll never know. I'm a coward who can't speak back to his own parents.❞

   Words he tries to pass off as a joke despite the obvious sting that comes along with them. A forced smile befoe he's gazing back down at his hand, picking at the sleeve's hem once more.

𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄   𝐈𝐒   𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆   𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄   𝐎𝐑   𝐖𝐄𝐈𝐑𝐃   𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓   𝐈𝐓.   At   least,   there   shouldn't   be.   Then   again,   why   does   it   feel   as   though   he   has   made   his   way   through   the   door   completely   unnoticed?   He   is   not   a   ghost,   no   ;   there   is   flesh   upon   his   bones.   However,   his   mannerisms   are   subtle   enough   to   slip   past   wandering   eyes,   quiet   enough   to   remain   unseen.

❝   Yes,   I   saw   that,   ❞   she   says,   brows   gently   knitting   as   curiosity   softens   into   suspicion.   ❝   But   no   one   noticed   you   enter.   No   one   besides   me.   ❞   A   gentleman   like   him   should   have   captured   at   least   a   few   glances,   should   he   not?   Not   a   single   head   had   turned.   Not   a   single   voice   faltered.   No   one   looked.   ❝   Are   you...invisible   to   them   ?   ❞

   Oh, invisible. So that's what the matter was. Taking a moment to glace around the room, he was rather used to it by now, but having it called out did make him question it for once. No one really cared, why should they ? A second son that rarely made appearances in public without being covered head to toe, no one wanted to give attention to that. It might be a fun mystery to poke around in for a moment, but knowing it'd never come up with any revelations often made it rather boring after some time.

   ❝Perhaps in a way.❞

   Offering nothing more than a small agreeance for a moment, before he continues on.

   ❝I'm simply no one worth noting, never have been.❞

     Eros' attention had been on their current knitting project. Something warm given that the other had decided to stay with him in Belobog for awhile. Or – at least, he'd decided he wanted to explore it. Stay close to someone who had helped him. Someone that seemed to understand. This focus shifts as they hear their name and their eyes drift over to where the younger sits.

     “ Yes? ”

     Ah. Suppose they could avoid this by just talking about their father. It was – the easiest, after all. Yet, given his nervousness and the way that he asks - Eros knows that isn't what he means.

   Words that make him regret asking for a moment, he knew well the pain that came along with losing someone like that, but he didn't need to keep quiet anymore. Not here, not with them. If it was painful, then they could share in that pain together, and then reflect upon the good times. The warmth that came with being accepted.

   ❝I understand that well.❞

   Nodding with a small and soft smile. 

   ❝It was the same for me, though not very long ago at all.❞

   Part of him wished it was, maybe then it wouldn't be as painful, maybe with that time passing he could've found a way to cope with it easier instead of still feeling that pang in his chest at the thought of his partner. Still, he would not let it consume him today !

     The second they're out - suddenly they're stopping. They're stopping at that all too familiar sound hits the smaller's ears. Aeons, that's not something one wants to hear when they're trying to get someone out of a situation. At the very least, he's got a strong stomach as a doctor. Else, he wouldn't have been able to stand there. 

     Yet, the other is crying and apologizing – as if he's done something wrong. How many times had Eros been the same back then..? How many apologies for just being afraid? Hadn't he – been a mess like this when he'd first been found by her..? A shake of his head as he crouches down to offer a handkerchief. Not something he'll want back, but it could at least help the other in this moment. It could be something. Anything.

     Something as simple as a hand to take.

     “ Sh… s'okay, hon. Everythin's gonna be fine. People on this planet are… unruly, t' say th' least. ”

   ❝It's not.❞

   How could it be fine ? Even if he got up, wiped the blood off, it'd still come again. Even if he made it away now, it would still happen again. He wasn't the type of person who could do this thing on their own, he wasn't strong like Lukan was, he can't even look people in the eye without fear setting in. He was afraid of flowers, how could he actually fulfill this wish ? It was all so hopeless, so pathetic.

   Even now despite himself he was still trying to be polite, still taking what was offered, but not using it in any way to dirty it. Blood was difficult to get out at times, he couldn't inconvenience a stranger trying to help like that, even if that was why they were offering it.

   ❝This is my fault, it's my mistake. I'm very sorry you had to help me. I'm sure you have other things you want to be doing than helping a stranger swept along by the wrong people.❞