Misfit ✞oys

The backdoor is unlocked if you want to come in but… Alright… how do we do this because no matter which way I play it out in my head, it ends poorly for everyone involved. I don’t want to hurt Lavi. I mean, there isn’t a way this won’t hurt him, but if we can reduce how much it hurts him that would be ideal.

Allen paused for a moment, thinking, then sent another text.

The way I see it, either we let Lavi walk in here and see everything point blank or you meet him out front and warn him ahead of time. Honestly, I don’t know which option is better.

On my way in.

Lenalee entered through the backdoor and carefully shut it so that Azael wouldn’t hear the door close. They were probably here at this time because he didn’t expect anyone else they knew to be at the bar. She could see Allen at the bar from this viewpoint, but she stayed behind and continued to text him.

“My point exactly,” Kanda said, earning another light hit to his side.

“Lavi’s pretty amazing; he can work in any genre and it sounds good. He can also play a few instruments himself, which is cool, but… overall… I don’t know. It’s hard to express with words. I guess… kind of nostalgic, maybe?  Like, it makes you think of days past or how the years have gone by.  Right now he’s in a kind of synthwave mood, I think.” Lenalee hated how unsure she sounded; it just made Kanda’s points even more glaring.

“Oh, but last year,” A soft, warm smile fell onto Lenalee’s lips as she spoke, “he made me an album for my birthday that I can only describe as the perfect summer album. It was so fun and alive. I kind of wish he would do more like that, but don’t tell him I said that. I like what he’s doing now too.”

Allen took in Lenalee’s words carefully, making sure to pay special attention to her expressions as she talked. She seemed really unsure about everything until she brought up the album that Lavi had made specifically for her. The theme he chose for her made sense, anybody could see that she was the physical form of summer with a smile like that, but maybe that was the thing. Maybe Lavi runs off the rails unless he has something to ground him into a theme. This set would be interesting.

Allen spared a glance at Lavi when she was done talking and watched him finish up his last minute set up. He quickly scribbled a message on his board and smiled at Lenalee.

Everything happened so fast. Lavi was so caught up in worrying about Allen hearing his poisonous order that when he heard Allen speak, he froze. He was just about to protest, but Allen shut him down before he could even start. Lavi just stared at Allen for a moment before he nodded and just took it. There’s no reason to fight people when they’re just trying to be nice.

The drive to Lenalee and Kanda’s house was short. As they pulled up into the driveway, Lenalee stepped out of the house carrying an impressive amount of alcohol in a box. The second she saw Lavi’s car, she hurried to go put her box down so that she could greet them.

“There goes Lenalee, she’s super excited to meet you.” Lavi smiled brightly at Allen before he slipped out of the vehicle. At that moment, Lenalee came back and excitedly pulled Lavi into a hug. After that, she quickly moved on to greet Allen. She wasn’t sure if he enjoyed hugs, so she just stood a polite distance from him and smiled brightly. Lavi stood nearby, just close enough that Allen wouldn’t feel like he was alone.

Allen blinked twice but didn’t move more than that. He used to toss and turn in the morning, if he didn’t have to get up early, and search for Lavi. When he found him, he’d pull himself close and enjoy simply being with Lavi. Now it was different. Now he was good at waking up quietly, moving silently, and not  waking his bedmate as he went about his morning preparations. Even with the sun seeming too bright and his head pulsing something fierce, Allen could stay quiet. And he did as he slid out of the bed and headed to the bathroom, eager to splash water on his face to wake up and even eagerer to head to the kitchen for a glass of water.  

At least that was plan until his roaming eyes found the glass on his bedside table. Lavi must have left it there, considering Allen didn’t remember it before crashing. It’s funny how one small action can change things. Allen didn’t head to the bathroom. Or the kitchen. He quietly sank down to the floor, with his back against the bed and his shoulder on the dresser and his head on his folded knees.  

Lavi woke slowly despite the itch deep in his skin. The withdrawal symptoms had abated after his hazy binge, but they were beginning to crawl through his veins again. He could feel the ache of a migraine settling in before he even opened his eye. Today was going to be a long day.

When he did find the courage to open his eye and gaze at the ceiling, he turned to take in the other side of the bed. The sheets were strewn across Allen’s side, and if it wasn’t for a bit of his hair being visible over the mattress, Lavi would have never seen him. He shifted slowly as he propped himself to look over the edge at Allen.

The last comment seemed to quell Azael’s nerves and make him think Allen was only talking to Neah.  He just hoped Lenalee would catch on, hang up, and call Lavi without him saying anything to make  Azael flee the scene.  This was… cruel… all things considered, but it kind of seemed needed.  Lavi loved Azael a lot.  He wouldn’t just take their word that Azael was cheating.

Lenalee was just about to reply when Allen suddenly flipped conversations. She was confused for only a second before she quickly said, “See you soon,” and hung up. She dialed Lavi’s phone and tried her best to seem normal, but he caught on to her tone and was worried. She managed to convince him that she was having a really bad day at work and needed some best friend time. To her horror, Lavi almost invited Azael, but she talked him out of it pretty quickly. By the time they hung up, Lenalee was already in the back parking lot and Lavi was on his way. She sent off a quick text to Allen.

“Look at him.  His set’s a mess and he knows it.”  

Kanda’s comment caused Lenalee’s hand to shoot out and smack him in the stomach.  Not aggressively, but subtly, like a reminder not to say things like that.  Her stern wide-eyed gaze echoed her silent comment.

“You heard him last time.”  

That was true and Lenalee thought it was a fine set.  She’d told Lavi as much but he only gave her a tired smile and mumbled that something was missing.  

“I think his music is great!”

“It’s not about it being great, it’s about everything sounding right together.”

With Lavi gone, Allen turned his attention to taking in Lenalee and Kanda. Lenalee seemed nice, while Kanda seemed like the assholes he used to meet at parties. They weren’t really the type of couple he ever expected to be together. Kanda also didn’t seem like the type to sugarcoat the truth, judging by what he said about Lavi’s set. Needless to say, he was intrigued.

“You’re fairly new here right?  I think that’s what Lenalee mentioned to me way back.  She told me a very dear friend of hers from her ‘youth and glory days,” Allen made quotes with his fingers to signify he was using Lenalee’s own expression, “was moving to the city.”

“I hope you like it.” Lavi glanced at the cash register and felt his anxiety spike. He was so close to the front and absolutely dreading ordering the espresso shots in front of Allen, but he physically needed them to survive. Before he could think too hard on it, Allen reeled him back into conversation. “Ah, yeah. Lena and I used to live in Boston together.” Hearing the quotes Allen mimicked managed to get Lavi to smile a bit. “We moved here about three weeks before Story started seeing you. It was a pretty last minute move.”

Lavi’s hands touched his face and Allen raised his eyes, fighting through the murk that had been clouding his visions for months.  Lavi looked sad.  And worried.  And kind of frantic.  Allen wondered if this made Lavi want to light up to escape it, like Allen sought escape in running, cleaning, and late night showers.  It wouldn’t surprised him, if he caused Lavi to relapse.  It made sense.  It would prove that they weren’t right for each other, that they couldn’t be together any more.  Not with Allen lying in pieces on the floor, disconnected from the world, lost in himself yet somehow not himself; not with Lavi surrounded with smoke, lost in a dream and at risk of falling deeper and deeper.  But Lavi was changing.  Allen was the one who couldn’t fix himself.  Allen was the one holding them back.

Nothing was in focus.  Allen brought his hands up to Lavi’s, gently running his fingers over the back of Lavi’s knuckles.  

“I’m sorry.”  Allen whispered the words unconsciously and fell back onto the bed, spreading his arms wide on the bed at first then moving them closer to his head, his chest, curling in on himself, his heart burning burning burning away behind his ribcage.  It hurt.  “No, I don’t need anything.”

“Okay. Try to get some sleep, I’ll join you soon.” Lavi took a moment to watch Allen curl up, looking so small and broken before he pulled the covers over Allen’s body. He spared one more glance at the doorway before making his way to the kitchen and finally putting his head in his hands.

Something in Allen’s eyes said that there was a lot he didn’t know. It hurt to know that he caused Allen so much pain and then begged him to stay. He was trying so hard, but they couldn’t go a day without hurting each other anymore. Everytime he looked at Allen he felt shame and regret mix together into an ugly concoction. He couldn’t even remember what it used to feel like being together. They’ve known each other almost as long as Lavi’s known the high of drugs. Maybe things weren’t getting better after all.