Hi~

With that out of the way...

Welcome! You've stumbled across one of many blogs of a rampant homosexual! My name is Vesper, you can call me Ve if you like. Or V if that's easiest.

I am 20 years old, born March 25th, 2006 if you wanna know when to bug me about growing older lol.

I am a young artist; I write, draw, sing and like to participate in musicals. Check out @vesperspark for my art, some poetry and my book! (Book(s) in progress)

Aaaaand if you haven't noticed by now, I speak rather formally. For this I will not apologize, take it or leave it, ty.

This blog specifically is for my thoughts, emotions and any interactions others may want to start. I am happy to be playful, kind, and genuine. I don't want and will not tolerate any negativity. I will voice my discomfort with any topics or tones, and if it is disregarded and/or change does not happen, I will block and/or delete conversations. I do not tolerate any bigotry. Racism of any kind or from any perspective, sexism of any kind or from any perspective, homophobia of any kind or perspective. Literally anything against anyone, hatred and bigotry of all kinds, I will not tolerate, I will protect my and others peace. Respect is a requirement.

Aaaanyway, if you are down to chill and be sweet, I hope you enjoy your stay! All kinds of people are welcome, I will love all of you ♡.

Chat soon ♡, love V.

But i just helped do yard work with my dad without any stress or anxiety. It doesn't sound like much but I felt no irritation, stress or reluctance. I was the one who got us to do it actually. Dad let me know we needed to do it at some point, but i decided to just so it now rather than after some appointments later. And I got up, walked outside and got to work. We were only out for an hour n a half at most too. And even as I was sweating, I just turned on my headphones and worked. And it was nice. Not fun but it wasn't miserable.

I need someone's greedy hands all over me, their teeth tearing my flesh as I apologize for feeling pain. I need someone to suckle on my wounds as their nails tear into my muscle further.

I need someone's hands in my hair, forcing my head back to gaze into their glory fully.

I need someone grinning at me as I cry and bleed like the pathetic follower I am.

So I guess I need to tell them to stop ... deconstructing...everything I believe. Challenge me, disagree, but it doesn't have to be what every conversation is leading to if it goes on too long and you don't have to keep pushing despite my crying.

I think it's because they don't know when to stop. Genuinely. My memory is terrible but I think they've said so too.

Now, being alive and sentient is extremely complicated and if we only focus on the simple things a lot will fly by us and people can take advantage of us, but it's a balance of how much to focus on simple and complex things.

One of my doctors taught me about the circles of control. And to an extent it taught me not to overcomplicate things. To try not to at least.

And that's helped me in thoughts of my purpose. I was told for a long time a mixture of 'you got all these awesome gifts to use' and 'you are pathetic and weak and stupid'. And that was paired with being treated like a useful tool that was poor at their job but constantly needed and used anyway. It gave me a weird perspective of myself as being only worth as much as I can give but that what I had to give would never be good enough so why bother trying.

Now, with the help of my doctors and also my friends and some of you guys here with your positive posts, I have decided that my purpose is to just love. Live, laugh, eat good food and play games. Make art, make smiles, hold people's hands in joys and sorrows and hold old people and babies in my arms. My purpose is simply love. And life. And I have also come to believe that is every living person's purpose as well. We are alive to live, to love and be as kind and good as possible. To learn and grow for ourselves and our loved ones.

And I think that thought process could have helped my mother, though I will try to help her as much as I can despite her refusal to change. She always has had a sorrow over not feeling she knew her purpose or skills.