Lisa Saltzman @venanonymous - Tumblr Blog

Alaric: If history repeats itself, I’m so getting a dinosaur!

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Bonnie: Ooh, somebody has a crush

Damon: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Alaric I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.

*Later that night*

Damon, very much awake: Uh oh.

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Alaric: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.

Alaric: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.

Damon: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.

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Alaric: Oh my Damon.

Caroline: Don't you mean 'oh my god'?

Alaric: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.

Damon: *giggles*

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #dalaric #alaric saltzman #caroline forbes #tvd incorrect quotes

*Tyler and Alaric playing minecraft*

Tyler: Oh no, oh no, oh no-

Alaric: What’s wrong?

Tyler: I did a thing.

Alaric: You regret the thing you dID-

Tyler: *screams*

Alaric: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-

Tyler: *screams again*

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Stefan: *talking about Alaric’s funeral* You do know we’re burying a great person today!

Damon, shocked: Did someone else die?

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Cop: What are your names?

Tyler: Don't tell him, Damon.

Cop, writing: Damon...

Tyler: Crap.

Damon: Nice going, Tyler.

Cop:

Damon: Uh oh.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #tvd incorrect quotes #tyler lockwood

*The Squad is on the bus, and a child is crying*

Damon: *rolls eyes to the sky*

Bonnie: *makes funny faces to get them to stop*

Alaric: *puts his earphones on at 100% volume*

Stefan: *doesn't mind, doesn't bother*

Matt: *is the reason they're crying*

Tyler: *enjoys in silence*

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Damon: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.

Tyler: And?

Damon: And you are.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #tvd incorrect quotes #tyler lockwood

Alaric: Hand me the people opener.

Stefan: ...

Stefan: Pardon?

Alaric, annoyed: The g! Just hand it to me!

Stefan, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?

Alaric: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?

Stefan: Knife. It's called a knife.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #alaric saltzman #stefan salvatore #tvd incorrect quotes

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*Alaric and Damon are planning to break in somewhere*

Alaric: We need to distract the guards.

Damon: Right.

Alaric: What are we gonna do?

Damon: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.

Alaric:

Damon:

Alaric: Deal.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #dalaric #alaric saltzman #tvd incorrect quotes

*when the Squad drops food*

Bonnie: Eh, oh well.

Damon: FIVE-SECOND RULE!

Matt: FUCK!

Caroline: *just gets more food*

Elena: *drops to her knees and mourns the food*

Tyler: *eats the food off the ground*

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Caroline: Is there anyone here who’s actually straight?

Alaric: *raises hand*

Damon: *puts his hand down*

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #dalaric #alaric saltzman #tvd incorrect quotes

Damon: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by a spontaneous musical number.

Alaric: I have so many questions right now but I’ll wait to see it with my own eyes.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #dalaric #alaric saltzman #tvd incorrect quotes

Damon: *closes a cabinet*

*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*

Alaric: What was that?

Damon: The sound of someone else's problem.

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #dalaric #tvd incorrect quotes

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*after discussing a plan*

Alaric: Does anyone have any questions?

Elena: Is this legal?

Alaric: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

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Damon: Everyone thinks you suck.

Tyler: I think you have the wrong number…

Damon: Stefan?

Tyler: Nope. Tyler.

Damon: Well, you probably suck too…

#the vampire diaries #tvd #tvd universe #damon salvatore #tyler lockwood #stefan salvatore #tvd incorrect quotes

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