crystal

Remind yourself that it is OKAY for things to go wrong and expect them to in moderation.

As a yan, I hold a very idealized view of love. I also view things very black and white---there are good things and there are bad things with nothing in between. One of the most CRUCIAL mistakes I made was expecting everything to flow perfectly. I had this ideal first date in my head and was hellbent on making it happen. However, things went wrong and that is OKAY! I remember I kept asking her so many questions she joked she felt like she was having an interview. I had completely failed to let there be any form of silence because I thought that meant things were going wrong. As a yan, you may suffer with overwhelming your partner with your feelings. You may feel as if you don't give everything, you are giving nothing. Remember to take a step back and offer yourself grace---you are doing enough even if it doesn't feel like it.

2. If you have obsessive thoughts, acknowledge them, but do not let them overwhelm you!

You may be thinking to yourself, "Oh my God, Crystal, yeah. Of course I have obsessive thoughts... smh you hooligan." And that's part 1 of it! Acknowledging your thoughts the moment you have them is so important. When I was on my date, I kept thinking, "Holy shit, she's so perfect for me. We're going to be so perfect together, forever!!! We'll own a cat and live in on a farm and be married for all eternity 😍" You may think, "Oh, that's completely normal!" In some cases, yes, it is. It is perfectly normal to feel like you've found "the one" when a date it going SO right. HOWEVER, LET US ACKNOWLEDGE WHY WE FEEL THIS WAY!!! Are we thinking this way just because they have done the bare minimum for us? If so, we may be thinking obsessively and should take a step back. I kept gushing like some schoolgirl because she was listening to me talk when my friend said, "The bar is in hell." That pissed me off... but she was right T-T In some cases, we are so desperate for love or feel so overwhelmed, we romanticize the bare minimum and forget that is simply what we deserve. Some ways I have been reflecting on my feelings is by going: "Is that what really happened or is that what my heart wanted to happen?", "X felt so perfect about her! However, was that just normal human behavior?", "She's so awesome! However, what behaviors did I not like?", "She's my soulmate! But is this just me getting ahead of myself?" Allowing self reflection is crucial for letting a relationship grow healthily. As a yan, it may be hard to separate the ideal from the unideal, but it is something we must do. How are we going to make a relationship last if we're only in love with a version of our partner and not who they really are?

3. Talk to friends, family, or your favorite mutual about how things went!

Talking to friends, family, or literally anyone allows for a second opinion on your date. Whether it is your close friend or a stranger on the internet, you are going to receive honest advice that can help you form a more realistic opinion on your partner. As I stated before, I struggle with overly idealized views and can ignore red flags in the pursuit of "true love." Although my friends agreed the girl I went on a date with was very nice, they would have been there to let me know if I was just romanticizing the bare minimum. Remember to be honest with yourself and others about what happened!

4. Keep one foot in your own life.

I know you want to smack me for saying this. You're thinking, "Crystal, oh my DAYS. I would if I could!" However, this is a gentle reminder to take time for yourself after the date! You need time to reflect on what happened and to process how things went without your partner around to warp your vision. I would strongly recommend having plans the next day that revolve solely around you. Go meet up with friends, play your favorite game, binge your favorite show, or maybe meditate if you're feeling extra crazy. Take some time to be alone because, although it is SO SO SO hard, you need time for you! I put my phone on DND in the morning and focused on some of my classes so I didn't spam her right away. That saved me from a very embarrassing ramble I wanted to do.

5. REMIND YOURSELF YOU ARE JUST MEETING A PERSON, NOT YOUR SOULMATE!!!

You are not meeting "the one," you are meeting a person. This person may seem perfect on paper, but let things progress with time. It can be so hard to refrain yourself from indulging in the fantasy of "true love." Although things may go perfectly, remind yourself this person could potentially not be right for you. I literally had to FORCE that into my head after our first date because of how happy I was. Since I am a yan, I easily believe that I have found the perfect match immediately. However, and I cannot stress this enough, things could go wrong. This is not to scare you, but to plant a seed of realism inside your head. You may think things were perfect, but your partner may think something else. If you get the dreaded, "Hey, I enjoyed spending time with you, but I'm just not feeling it." THAT IS OKAY!!! This is why I stressed having some selfcare planned the day after because you need to be taking care of YOU above anyone else.