Veets My Beats

May 2nd 2016 I adore you Dom. I know I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I tried. And you knew that going in that I wasn’t a very open person. But I turned into one because of you. It just hurts that when I did, you weren’t there for me. I will always remember staying up late talking to you on Skype, calling you late at night to wake you up and hear your groggy voice. Sharing all the music I found and produced with you. Picking you up from work and co-op and getting a bite to eat sometimes. Me calling you a poop face and you gave me the silent treatment for that silly reason. The Christmas’ we spent together. How I spoiled you with gifts and just wanted to keep giving you more but I didn’t want to go overboard. All the video games we played together. The adventures we went on. How much I had fun with you every single day and you gave me a reason to wake up happy. I wish things didn’t turn out this way. I wish you didn’t lie and break my heart like this. Doing what you did with him, giving him a nickname like brobeans, wanting him to meet all my friends, even myself. It hurt so much. When you were in school you napped more than you put time to be with me. But in the most busy time of the year, your finals. You put aside so much time for him. All those times you came over a cuddled with me, sex, kissed. You were already seeing him. Making out, cuddling, talking, and giving him head. Probably swallowing. How could you come to me after doing that? The dates we went on, when I took you for breakfast then you decided to not come to my house to study. You probably wanted to see him… I stared at my phone waiting for you to respond and talk to me. And in the recent days every time you posted couples playing video games together, I didn’t see us anymore. I only saw you and him. I feel used. I don’t want to know that my first love, the one I care for so much is just some easy slut. I don’t want to regret loving you. If you think you could go back to being friends with him, that can’t happen. You started out as friends, but you were the one who moved forward into what it is now. Not him. Am I right? If I were to come back into your life, as a friend or a lover. You’re going to have to choose which one of us you want to keep in your life. You can’t have both. You once told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about you if we separated. That you’re not as weak as I presumed.. You proved that you were. You were too weak to handle being alone. I want you to really think about your life right now. Is this the kind of person you want to be? Is this what you want? To move on to someone else quickly because you don’t want be alone.. Become the person I deserve. I WILL become the person you deserve. It’s just a matter of what your willing to do and sacrifice. I care for you, and you don’t deserve this. You can do better, you can be better. But sometimes things happen for a reason I guess. I really hope that you do listen to me and be alone for awhile. I want to grow and I hope when I see you maybe at Edwin’s or Josh’s/Stew’s bday or Christmas party. That you are alone, but not lonely. But growing. I want to see and be proud of how strong and brave you are for being alone and becoming a better you. The last thing I would want is to know that you gave up and found someone to distract you, that you got too scared to do it. I want us to look at each other and know that we are growing. Even though we are separated, we’re still growing together. I want to see you again soon someday. And be proud of the person you are becoming.  I want to here all about your journey and stories. I don’t want to be disappointed that you gave up on yourself and found someone to not feel scared or lonely, when I never gave up on you. And if you feel you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. Because I’m growing, for myself and also for you. That’s why I’m leaving this tumblr for you. There will always be a place for you in my heart and I’m leaving a piece of it here with you. If you don’t want our love to be a waste, or our relationship to die in vain. Please take time to yourself and grow. Don’t try to being with someone else to fill the void. I know you can do this. You will always have your friends there for you, but if it’s something you can’t talk to them about or don’t feel understood. I’m here. I’ll always be your support. Don’t ever forget that. If you decide to do this. And you start feeling hurt and being lonely creeping up on you. Come here, to this tumblr, this part of my heart that I left with you. Let it remind you to keep fighting. You can message it, submit anything or ask it anything. It won’t judge you. Vent to it. Its always here for you. Do what you feel with it. It’s our secret. Only meant for you. I don’t want to leave, but I’m hurt. And if I keep checking in and babying you about growing, you won’t learn to be yourself and like yourself by being by yourself. We both need to learn and grow. The tattoo on your wrist is a good reminder that you have to learn how to do this. I can already feel how scary it is to be doing this alone. It would be easier if I found someone to fill this void. But I know I shouldn’t. I’m strong enough to handle this, and I know I’ll come out stronger. You must feel the same way. It’s okay. I believe in you. Don’t be scared. There were times that I wanted to cave and use a dating app to not be alone. But I couldn’t. And now after seeing that you did, I know that I won’t. I don’t want hide and not deal with my issues and loneliness by being with someone. I’m going to face them and come out a better me. I hope that I can share my future with you someday, but not while you’re like this. I  have a lot of regrets about us. That I wish I done better, that I could take back all the times I ignored you when you upset me and just say sorry and I love you. I wish we could smoke together, get high and drunk together and just cuddle for awhile. Not always having rough sex, but actually make love to you and mean it. You weren’t perfect either but it didn’t matter to me. I just wish you handled us at the end differently. I can’t forgive you for how you broke my heart. But if I can see that you were brave enough to grow and be a better you, I feel I could begin too.  My mom would always joke that I would end up with you, kids and all. Of course it sounded dumb, and still does. But overtime, it got me thinking and accepting how much I loved being with you. What I would give to wake up to you walking into my room in the morning. You getting into my bed. Me bitching about how your wearing dirty clothes in it.  Then we would cuddle and nap. You rubbing your lips against my scruffy scruffs. You trying to pull my ginger hairs. I would scratch your back and play with your cheeks. Then going out for a walk and watching you prance up to flowers and picking them. Us sleeping on the g.o bus and me waking up just before you, as we pull up into the station. And I would watch you sleep for just a few seconds before waking you up. These were my perfect moments of us. Ones that I’ll remember. I sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if I actually asked you to prom.. There will always be a place for you in my heart Dom. I love you.