vampire brainRot

The first time Lara heard his name was at the Awakening Ball. A sense of deja vu washed over her while she read the passage out loud: “Adrian was Turned by the Second Son, Gaius Augustine. Together, the two embarked on a campaign of bloo—” 

Adrian gently closed the book in her hands then, and prompted the two of them to move on. Lara already saw what he didn’t want her to see: “a campaign of blood.” He wanted to forget. It probably shouldn’t have been a surprise to Lara that Adrian wanted to forget him as well. 

The second time was in Adrian’s cabin upstate, when it was just Lara, Adrian, and Kamilah. Lara was curious, is all. “Tell me about your Maker,” Lara said while Adrian led them through the woods. The unease that blanketed Adrian and Kamilah was palpable the moment the words left Lara’s lips. Same Maker, the both of them. Powerful, charismatic, horrifying. Lara heard his name again later that night. 

Adrian’s jaw clenched. “He found me,” he said.

“Gaius,” said Kamilah. There was the slightest change in her expression. Her eyes became visibly sadder and her frown deepened. Hearing his name from Kamilah’s lips rang the faintest bell at the back of Lara’s mind. Back then, the thought faded just as quickly as it came. It’d take months for Lara to realize its significance. 

The third time Lara heard his name was in December. By that point, she’d been with Kamilah for a few months. Lara still remembers what Kamilah told her the night they’d done away with Vega and faced the Council: Lara’s everything Kamilah seemed to be looking for, even if Kamilah herself didn’t know it. 

It’d seemed a bit silly, if not sudden, to Lara back then. They’ve only known each other for, what? A week? A week and a half? But Kamilah had said it with such sincerity. There was that inkling at the back of Lara’s mind too, that she’d known Kamilah all her life. It made no sense, but ask the two of them and they’d both say they just knew that they were looking for each other. Be it romantic or horrifying. Maybe both. 

The time she spent with Kamilah was wonderful, except for one problem that Lara had: Kamilah was awfully closed off. A bit cold, sometimes. When Kamilah showed her affection it was as bright and intense as the warmest summer day. But those came in short bursts, and their relationship moved at a snail’s pace. Lara wanted more. She wanted Kamilah’s everyday warmth, wanted to know her inside and out. Kamilah was two thousand years old and she could live another two thousand more; Lara did not have the same privilege.

Kamilah would share stories about her travels and exploits from her two thousand years alive. She’s lived hundreds of lives, had the wildest adventures, tasted the world. But Lara could feel the way Kamilah was always leaving out something. Maybe someone. Definitely someone. Kamilah and Adrian’s Maker, most likely. Lara remembered how Kamilah hesitated speaking about a vampire older than her when they spent that evening at Kamilah’s pool. Lara wasn’t the smartest person but even she could put two and two together. Kamilah’s Maker — Gaius — was the one behind the strain in her smile, every bit of hesitation.

Lara felt it in the way Kamilah said his name. Her voice cracked just the slightest when she mentioned him. She had to clear her throat and start again. Mention his name again. Of course the Dark Solstice started with the two of them together. Everything about Kamilah seemed to start and end with him. It was starting to gnaw on Lara’s skin. 

It’s been six months since they’ve started… whatever it is they’ve started. Six months and finally, Lara stepped foot in Kamilah’s apartment. Only three other people have been there, including her and Adrian, said Kamilah. Who was the third? Gaius, again? Lara tried not to think about it too much. Tried not to think too much about two thousand years stacked up against six measly turns of the moon. She found herself frequently failing to do so.

A thunderstorm raged outside as they sat by the floor-to-ceiling windows. The weather fit perfectly with Kamilah’s mood: resigned, melancholy, waiting for the next horrible shoe to drop and for the cycle to continue on. “Peace never lasts, Lara,” said Kamilah. “Bloodshed will follow.”

So ominous, Lara thought. She wanted to protest, wanted to make Kamilah see the bright side of things, to hope for the best. But Kamilah was—as she so loved to point out—two thousand years old. It’d be like arguing with a mountain. Besides, as usual, Kamilah was correct. 

Bloodshed did follow. Gaius tore the Baron’s head clean off. Less than an hour later, he blew apart Lester’s skull like it was nothing. All Lara could do was watch the carnage; they barely left with their lives. 

She also watched as pure terror shook Kamilah. Gaius’s skin was gray and rotting and all Kamilah could do was look at him. Gaius recalled how Kamilah tore him apart, nearly a century ago. Lara had never seen Kamilah look so heartbroken before. Kamilah’s voice didn’t shake, but the misery was palpable in her voice. Lara could tell that hopelessness had sunken deep into Kamilah when they regrouped with Lily later in the day. It was so unlike the Kamilah that Lara knew. 

Kamilah’s smile only returned when Lara agreed to go with her to retrieve something from her office. “Its value is more… personal,” said Kamilah as they walked to her office. There again was that distance that frustrated Lara to no end.

Lara huffed. “Kamilah, you know you can tell me things, right?” she started, hesitation in her voice. “I mean… we’ve been intimate before. You can tell me things.” 

“I know,” said Kamilah. “You are the first person I have been with in a hundred years—” a hundred years. The council was formed after Gaius, which was nearly a century ago, according to Adrian. She hadn’t been with anyone since Gaius. I broke that streak. Take that, Augustine! thought Lara. “—you know that must mean something.”

“I’m sensing there’s a ‘but’ here.” 

“I have lived two thousand years, Lara. When you have seen the things I have, you change. The years wrap around you like armor. You see the same things happening over and over again, only with different names. Adrian says that I am a downer. I think I am realistic. I think I see things for what they are, I see the patterns and the ups and downs. I have lived and I will continue to live. And I do not begrudge the armor that years have become. It keeps me safe. It keeps me alive,” said Kamilah. “If I did not have it, if I let myself feel the pain and the weight of every loss, every tragedy I have experienced… then I simply could not go on.”

“You wouldn’t have lived to two thousand,” said Lara. Her voice was pensive. “But… underneath all that armor, there’s still you, right? The real Kamilah?” 

Lara didn’t like the little bit of desperation that snuck into her voice. It was, frankly, a little bit embarrassing. But at this point she’d do anything to break through Kamilah’s walls, as frustrating of a process it currently was.

“I do not know,” was Kamilah’s answer. Frustratingly vague, with that same detached tone that Lara was slowly learning to hate. “I do not know what exactly it is you are looking for. Who you are looking for.”

What kind of answer was that? 

Lara was about to ask again when Kamilah started: “But”—a pause, and Lara could feel the hesitation—“perhaps you will be able to see a sliver of what I have been through.”

Lara would soon know what exactly she meant by that a few minutes later. Kamilah took out a small object wrapped in cloth from a hidden drawer in her desk. The slightest bit of tension released from her shoulders. Not enough, thought Lara. You’re always so tense. 

“Can I… see what it is?” asked Lara.

Kamilah hesitated, but handed it over. Lara gently unwrapped it, the cloth giving way to a small, wooden toy horse. Lara found herself at a loss for words. This must be…

“Your brother’s,” she said. “Isn’t it? The one you two used to fight over.” 

“Yes.” Kamilah’s eyes softened. “You remembered.”

“Of course. I can’t ever forget that,” said Lara. If only you knew, she thought. I remember everything you tell me. Emotion swelled in her chest. This was what Kamilah meant. Lara was holding a two thousand year old relic and it’s what Kamilah meant by the sliver that she’d show to Lara. The toy was visibly aged, but remarkably preserved. The wood was dark in places, and with a good eye one could see where it’s been repaired. 

It was the oldest, most personal memento that Kamilah had, and it was in Lara’s hands. 

“Our mother died when we were young and our father was away at war. Lysimachus and I practically raised ourselves. It was hard, but there were times of joy, love, safety,” said Kamilah, her voice distant and just the tiniest bit nostalgic. She smiled. “This toy horse… it was his favorite toy. Our uncle gave it to him when we were five. He would not share it with me, so I had to steal it. And then he would steal it back. It was a game itself.

“He went to war when Rome put Egypt under siege. He gave it to me, told me he would want it back when he returned.” Kamilah’s gaze hardened. “Then, he…” 

Her voice hitched, and Lara could almost physically see the walls go right back up. “It does not matter now. The toy is with me, and I have to keep it safe.” With the toy still in Lara’s hands, Kamilah wrapped it with the cloth and tucked it in her pocket. Armor right back up. “Let’s get you to Adrian’s plane.” 

“Wait.” Lara looked Kamilah in the eye, feeling shy. The world was about to explode with an evil vampire on the loose, but she couldn’t help herself. “Could we… just be together? For a sec?”

Kamilah raised an eyebrow. “A moment alone?” asked Kamilah. Laura nodded. “And what would we do with this moment?”

Lara could feel Kamilah’s eyes burning into her. Did she always have to look at Lara with such intensity? “Well, maybe you could… kiss me?” 

Kamilah stepped forward into Lara’s space. She pulled Lara closer, an arm around her waist and a gentle hand caressing the human’s cheek. Kamilah’s lips hovered over the side of Lara’s lips. “Like this?” 

“No,” Lara whispered, just above her breath. She turned her head to meet Kamilah’s lips with her own, but Kamilah held her at just a close enough distance. “Kamilah.” 

Lara knew Kamilah was just teasing, but there was a feeling in her gut that wouldn’t go away. She needed Kamilah’s kiss, needed it to make everything better, because it always made things better, so everything would be fine and right and—

“Lara.” Kamilah pulled back and looked her in the eyes. “What is this about?”

Lara felt like a deer caught in the headlights. “I– what? Nothing,” she said. “Can’t I just enjoy a moment with you? Before your ex blows up New York? Probably the rest of the country too?”

“You are certainly allowed to enjoy such a moment with me,” said Kamilah. “But I can tell that this is more than that.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You have done nothing but confirm that it is something.”

Fuck. Lara sucked in her lips and refused to meet Kamilah’s eyes. This was so embarrassing. An evil vampire was about to blow up the Empire State and here she was, stewing in insecurity and—god fucking forbid—jealousy. Priorities! Priorities! But apparently that was her gut’s priority right now. 

“Lara.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It is not nothing,” said Kamilah, her voice steady but probing. “You are chewing on the inside of your cheek. You do that when you are nervous.” 

Lara immediately loosened her jaw. She still refused to look Kamilah in the eye. Lara felt Kamilah take her hands in her own. Then, with just a smidge of gentleness: “Tell me.” 

Lara pursed her lips. If Kamilah had just kissed her, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. She felt the insecurity build in her chest, a heavy pressure that needed release, but one Lara was much too embarrassed to let out. Now or never, Blumenfield, said a voice in the back of her head. It felt taunting. She let out a shaky breath.

“Earlier in the temple, with Gaius, you were apologizing to him,” started Lara. “You were about to call him something before you stopped yourself.” Bitterness was starting to show in the tone of her voice. “What was it?”

Kamilah let go of Lara’s hands. Lara felt her heart sink. “That was…”

“Don’t tell me it was nothing,” said Lara. “Please, Kamilah.”

The silent few seconds after felt like an eternity. Finally, Kamilah answered: “Love.”

“What?”

“Love. I was about to call him ‘my love.’ It was what I called him for thousands of years. Force of habit.” 

“You haven’t been with him for a century,” Lara pointed out, with an accusatory tinge in her voice. 

“I have not,” affirmed Kamilah. “Lara, if this is about that—”

“It’s not just about that,” Lara cut off. It was amazing how easy everything seemed to come out now. “I’m the first person you’ve been with in a century. After him, I know. That means something. It’s a big deal. But you were so close to calling him that, even after a century, and it just—it just makes me feel like shit. You’ve never called me that. And maybe it’s just too quick, I guess you didn’t want to be too quick, but—”

Lara wiped away a tear. Fuck, this was so embarrassing. Why was she crying now?! “—I don’t know. I just don’t know. I just like you so much, and the past few months have been amazing, but sometimes… you feel so far away. And I don’t want to push you, don’t want to rush, and I think you’ll tell me everything with time, and maybe I’m just impatient? Am I? Maybe it’s just because you’re immortal and I’m human and I’m just twenty-two, but I just want to know more about you, I want to feel you more, but you aren’t…”

“Opening up,” said Kamilah. “I am not opening up.”

Lara nodded wordlessly. “But seeing him, seeing how much you don’t want to talk about him, how you almost called him that earlier… everything is still about him. I got that much. And the ‘my love’ thing… yeah, sorry, I am jealous.” Lara sniffed. Snot, snot dripping down her nose! This could not be even more mortifying! “He’s awful, and he literally beat the shit out of us earlier, but I just, I want something more. With you. And he has that and I don’t and it’s…”

Kamilah handed Lara her handkerchief, which Lara took and wiped her tears away with. Then she blew her nose with a loud honk! Embarrassing. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” said Lara. “That was terrible. I don’t—I don’t want to be as bad as Gaius was to you. I’m just…”

“Jealous.”

Lara swallowed down the lump in her throat. “Yes.” 

“Lara Blumenfield.” Kamilah took the handkerchief from Lara’s hands, caressed her face, and wiped her tears away. “Look at me.” 

Lara looked up at Kamilah, red-rimmed eyes and sniffling. The weight in her chest lightened, but she still felt small and vulnerable under Kamilah’s gaze. “I am not the warmest of lovers,” said Kamilah. “But I am trying, though much slower than you would like, I admit. And I am also… scared.” 

“Scared?”

“Of Gaius. Of what is to come. Of what might happen to you,” said Kamilah. “You came into my life so suddenly, and it scares me. Having someone like you to lose. It makes me want to run. Makes me want to hit Adrian on the head for allowing you to stay. How easily you have upended my resolve, Lara.”

“Do you regret meeting me?” asked Lara. “Do you regret us?”

“I want to. I want to feel some sort of regret for allowing you to stay. You have faced imminent death more times than I would have liked.”

“Well, I’ve also said a huge ‘fuck you’ to imminent death every time.” 

Kamilah chuckled. “I know. It still does not stop me from worrying,” said Kamilah. “Gaius is here, and he abducted you, and I was terrified at what he might have done. I am terrified of what he might do. What he might push me to do…”

Push her to do?

“... and now you will be leaving for Europe. It would have been easy if it was just you, a normal human. But you will be with vampires, dealing with vampires, and the Order is not kind. They do not discriminate between vampire and human when their lives are entangled. It terrifies me, what might happen to you, especially when I will not be there.”

Kamilah pulled Lara closer and rested her forehead against Lara’s. Her eyes slipped shut. “But I will choose to bet against the odds. We will see each other again, all else be damned,” said Kamilah. “And I promise, you will know more of me, and you will be with me.”

Kamilah kissed the tip of Lara’s nose. “Do you remember what I said, that night after we dealt with Vega?”

“You said…” Lara licked her lips. “You said that you felt like you’d been looking for me all your life.”

“And that I did not even know it,” said Kamilah. “All my life. All two thousand years of it.”

“Kamilah…”

“I do not regret meeting you. I do not regret us.” Kamilah gently rubbed her thumb across Lara’s cheek, and Lara couldn’t help but lean into her caress. “I want to spend more time with you, if you are willing.”

“More than willing.” Lara swallowed down the lump in her throat. “I want to know everything there is about you.”

Kamilah winced. Barely, but Lara noticed. “Much of it is dark, bloody, and depraved.” 

“And you still came out this version of you.” 

Kamilah’s eyes lit up with what Lara could make out as hope. Hope for what? Understanding? An understanding that Kamilah needed? Maybe even wanted? 

“One day,” said Kamilah. “You will see all of me, and I hope on that day, you will choose correctly.” 

Choose correctly? As if Lara would make a mistake. There was only one choice to make, wasn’t there? “You’re being ridiculous,” she said. “I’m not gonna get it wrong.” 

Kamilah’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. She probably thinks I’m being silly, thought Lara. It only strengthened her resolve. When Kamilah cupped Lara’s face, she leaned into her palm and placed a gentle kiss on the skin. “I’m not gonna get it wrong.”

“I hope you do not.” 

Later, as Adrian’s plane took off—took her away from Kamilah—all Lara could think of was the last kiss they shared before they left Kamilah’s office. Just the memory of it made Lara’s head spin. There was something in the way Kamilah last kissed her. There was something more to the last way her lips claimed Lara’s. Lara’s sure it wasn’t just for good luck, or the everyday hello-goodbye kisses. Kamilah kissed her long and deep, but Lara also couldn’t help but feel that there was a tinge of fear in it. Maybe what Kamilah couldn’t say she couldn’t exactly hide.

New York slowly disappeared from Lara’s view. She’s off to see a psychic on the other side of the Atlantic. And with it, see more memories that aren’t her own. 

Some of them, possibly Kamilah’s. 

I hope on that day, you will choose correctly.

Fuck you, thought Lara. I’m not gonna get it wrong. 

—