Spooky and Anxious

My stats :

Height- 5'4

SW: 105 pounds

GW: 85

UGW: 80

CW: 93 on 1/11/24

90 : 🔒

89: 🔒

88: 🔒

87: 🔒

86: 🔒

85!!!!!: 🔒

BONUS:

84: 🔒

83: 🔒

82: 🔒

81: 🔒

When I am doing okay and want to lose weight it feels so impossible to ignore the idea of food. It's a struggle.

Yesterday, though, I had a granola bar and half a cup of milk at 10:30 pm. I haven't weighed myself in weeks, but I can tell I have lost weight. The need for food when I'm depressed doesn't feel like it's there, or when I do feel hungry it's more of a comfortable feeling I don't have to pay attention to or it will soothe me to sleep.

My roommate finally got me out of bed and we've been cuddling on the couch watching Disney movies. She didn't ask what's going on and I don't really want to talk about it.

The only good news I can provide is more and more people are saying "how did you lose more weight??" And I guess that's giving me a small serotonin boost.

Lately I've just been sleeping and I'm still somehow so exhausted. It's so bad I just don't want to have to wake up simply because I am physically so tired. It's not like I run a marathon or do a lot... just getting up to get water has me ready for a 12 hour nap and I'm frustrated as hell by it. I can't focus on my work or my studies.

I got some sunglasses, a purse, a couple shirts and I found the cutest leather jacket dress that went with the new purse and would look FABULOUS with tights and boots. I'm SO excited to find an occasion for that.

I had soooo much trouble finding any jeans that were cute in my size. I'm a 0-1, and even looking in the juniors area I found nothing, so my roommate offered to go hunting for me next time she's out or she'll let me know if she sees a good deal online.

I hate working out and rather not but also I have goals... the problem I struggle with is DOING the workout and keeping up with it consistently.

1. Right before I pass out I get that *feeling.* it usually starts with black spots, tingling by my jaw/neck, a heaviness in my body and cold sweats. LEARN TO RECOGNIZE YOUR BODY'S CUE.

2. The moment you get the *feeling* sit down. It doesn't matter if you're on the floor. I once pretended to investigate Mac and cheese on the very bottom shelf of a grocery store because I rather have a small fall than a big one and risk a head injury. That would make it a much bigger deal to others around you and that's a sticky situation to get out of. If you are with a friend, explain that everything is fine, this happens from time to time, and not to worry. If they ask if they are supposed to do anything, tell them to just keep you company or ask them to get something for you. Don't panic or make a big deal because they will DEFINITELY panic.

3. I usually have room temp water with me to take REALLY small sips of, and if I can make it to a fan, I try to do that as quickly as my body will allow.

4. Doing steps 1-3 has helped with not falling unconscious, but it's also important to breathe, stay calm, and allow your body to fall unconscious if need be. It will only be for a few seconds and you'll probably wake up without even realizing you were unconscious. You can not focus too harshly on the symptoms because that can cause anxiety and worsen the situation. Just breathe and trust that your body is WANTING to fall unconscious for a reset. You will be okay. I can't explain how important it is to recognize when to try and overcome it and when to let go. Fighting it can sometimes cause the whole thing to drag out minutes longer than it has to vs. Letting go can cut the experience in half.

5. You can not always rely on communication to others. As someone who has experienced fainting since i was an elementary student, i ask for help when it is NEEDED.. sometimes you have to. But again, you can not rely on others to help or to even be there. There have been times I've passed out in public and didn't have the energy to ask for help (I was in a parking lot in 95+ weather. Someone eventually noticed), there have been times my voice is too small and too muffled for anyone else to understand me properly and because of my current state i can't do anything about it, there have been MORE times where I am completely alone and I had to learn how to handle it by myself.

Some things I carry for AFTER:

Deodorant, perfume, and some kind of wipe because cold sweats are gross. If possible, I will keep a spare shirt in my car or even in a sandwich ziploc in my purse.

Have an easy snack available. Nothing salty or tough to chew. Apple slices are great. I've noticed the juice and the easy crunch helps me feel better.

Water! Always have water with you. If you don't like carrying a million things like I do, make sure you have a $5 bill with you. You can buy water, or if you HAVE to kindly ask someone to buy you water if you're in the middle of passing out. The one time I did this I was worried they would just walk off with my $5, but people are usually kind and will get water. That's such a last resort tho.. please try and carry your own water.

1. I took a photo of my body a year ago and compared it to a photo taken yesterday.. I was 4 pounds lighter in the first picture but the muscles and how toned my stomach looks now??? Crazzyyy what a little toning can do. I look so much better.

2. I took some spicy pictures, and my arms are twigs.

3. I want to be SKINNYYY but I also want a butt. I hate hate hate exercise so I'm going to have to suck it up cuz at this point, I need muscle there since I clearly don't have the fat.

4. I cleaned out my closet for the first time since High school and I realized being 23 and living in NY, it's time to up my fashion from Baggy jeans and oversized sweaters to maybe something a bit classier. I'm going for elegant but still has fun. Being so close to my goal weight, I'm confident in shopping a size down knowing it will fit me and it's time to wear clothes flattering to my body shape.

5. Motivation and discipline are not the same thing and in my opinion, discipline is more important than Motivation. You can be motivated all you want... but do you have the discipline to achieve it?

6. Water. Water. Water!!!! Fat cells don't go away. So as an example, my starting weight was 108 and I am now 90. All the fat cells I have from being 108 are still there but "deflated." That's why it's so easy to gain weight and so hard to lose. Water weight is temporary and will go away. It's just those cells "swelling" up. One day you'll wake up 2 pounds lighter and it's because those fat cells that were replaced with water finally let it all go.

7. Nobody can tell if you've lost or gained 5 pounds.

8. I struggled with cystic acne my entire teen life and even into my early 20s. I was probably the queen of pimple creams. You want to try a new product? I've already tried it and here's my experience. I went to countless dermatologists and was even given medicated treatments and antibiotics. They made my acne WORSE. I learned, at least for me, that SIMPLE products work best. I use an organic goat milk soap bar, vitamin c moisturizer, and literally a misting of sunscreen on my face and haven't had a zit bigger than a pinprick in over a year and they've all been cycle related. Also, removing the peach fuzz from your face helps with oil and dirt

9. If you're like me and enjoy BOILING showers, please do not wash your hair or face in hot water. Washing your face should be the first and last step when showering. Allow the steam to open your pores and then switch the water to Luke warm to wash, cold to rinse... same with your hair! Cold water onllyyy and do not dry with a towel. A simple cotton shirt is so much better for it.

10. Whitening your teeth doesn't have to cost much at all. Crest 3D Whitening strips do the job very well or you can take a banana peel as it's turning from green to yellow and rub the inside of the peel on your teeth. Worked wonders for me when I couldn't afford Whitening strips.

11. 3 basics I do everyday to be put together. If someone were to knock on my door, I should feel comfortable enough in my appearance to open it. Always have your hair done in some kind of way (pony, half up, claw clipped, even a messy bun), always have on clean clothes (yes pj's are fine but remember if someone knocked, are your pj's matching? Flattering? Or do you look messy and lazy?) Always have your teeth brushed and face put together.

12. Get off your phone. Get offfff yourrrr phone!!! I see so many people in public with their heads down watching their phone, or at a table and they have their phone out, or walking with a group of friends and they all have phones. Phones can enhance an experience (a museum offering a guided tour) and that's fine! But I hate the amount of full grown adults walking down the street glued to a phone. I give teens a break, but adults?? Please step away from the glowing rectangle in your hand for an HOUR while we are at dinner. The biggest glow up is to be present. Put your phone down at the table and notice the people around you, put your phone down while walking down the street and observe the world. To me, the most attractive people I see aren't on their phones.. they are experiencing.

13. Fruits and vegetables not only look like an aesthetic on a plate, but you look like an aesthetic eating them. You get so many nutrients out of them and you get a full stomach much quicker for wayyyyy less calories. Some fruits and veggies even burn calories to digest.

14. There is nothing wrong with noticing flaws on your body and NOT embracing them. I've lived in Hawaii all my life and always wore shorts because my bikini line would break out the DAY I would shave. Well laser hair takes too long, waxing sounds AWFUL, so I got a tattoo in that area. I still get red angry bumps from time to time (olive oil, exfoliating, and a NEW Razor each time has helped) But now my tattoo takes away from those bumps and they aren't noticeable. I feel confident in bikinis because I modified the area that was bothering me.

15. Trends are great, but learn to accept that some trends just aren't meant for you. A glow up is being true to yourself and what you feel confident in. It's about knowing that the magical product that works for them may not work for you, it's knowing your body type, type of skin you have, colors that enhance or take away from you, and fashion comes and goes but style does not.

16. If you have a period, I am begging you to track your moods, your symptoms, your cycle phases. You'll not only feel so in touch with the rapid changes our bodies go through, but you'll be able to predict your body's cycle. I know for a fact next week I need to spend extra care with my skin, I'll be bloated so I should avoid foods that contribute and not worry too much about any "gain", and my hair will get greasy easily so I should switch my hair routine up a little bit. Knowing your cycle phases and the hormones that relate will do wonders in keeping your mental and physical health in check.

17. This kinda goes with 12, but be friendly. Smile at the cashier and ask them how they are, say please and thank you to everyone, hold the door open for the family of 4 with a stroller, listen to your friends and find a way to loop back to the friend whose story got unintentionally interrupted by someone else. Make the people you care about feel like they have your attention. Dont make comments to put people down (i was so bad at this. I would say, "god. She's 40 and dressing like that?" Now i catch myself and i say "i want her confidence. Look how shes rocking the zebra print boots!") don't match a rude person's energy.. all it does is fuel an already "unhealthy" situation. Take the rudeness with grace. Be present, be kind, be open and you'll attract people like a magnet.