why is being happy so embarassing... i feel like some kind of idiot whenever im talking and smiling

ive given up ever living in reality. clearly im meant to rot in bed and live in my dreams. when i do get to go out its always high cost, and doesnt really feel that much better than if i did it in a game or in my head. im always just kinda numb and tired and dont think thats going to change after 30 years of this lol. it feels like this world is physically rejecting me. like im poison its ingested that it wants to vomit back out. i dont think i belong here. maybe it was some kind of mistake i was born at all.

spending my birthday sick in bed again

i miss getting beat no one beats me anymore its sad

im in so much pain all the time. it hurts so bad please i just want it to end.

about to hit 30 and I've never had a job, never recieved an education, never had a bank account, only appear on government records for when I've gone to the hospital, and only like 4 people know I exist and they dont even know me by my legal name lol

how do i get everyone to love me without making any content and also generally being uninteresting