asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

Genuinely, thank you so much for this.

if i dont respond to a message from you i can basically guarantee its not because i dislike you. im just getting attacked by imps and shit all the time genuinely.

all my haters become cicaders when i enter the summer of success

whatever hildegards your bingen

i am always one wrong word away from being shot by all the people who find me tolerable

Nature really went off with sperm whales. A 70-ton predator with teeth the size of a banana but it only eats squishy prey that it doesn’t even chew, it just schlorps them down whole like a vacuum cleaner. Big giant fat head full of goop. Tiniest fins in the world. Strong enough to smash a ship to pieces and smart enough to figure out how to do so but its first line of defense is just to shit everywhere. Possibly the most complex language in the animal kingdom and it creates sounds by blowing air through its internal right nostril (it uses the left one to breathe) into its giant fat head. It’s the loudest animal on the planet and might have the capability to create a beam of sound so loud it can shake your organs apart but they don’t seem to use that to hunt or fight. They’re highly flammable. We used them to make candles.

There should be the opposite of harassment campaigns where people go "this person seems kind of sad, we should send them a bunch of nice messages and money and fun pictures of animals anonymously until they feel better"

i play a game with my friends called "talk nice behind their back" where if everyone who is present knows a particular person who is not present, i'll say "it's time for talk nice behind their back!" and then make everyone say nice stuff about the absent friend. i think if "talk nice behind their back" became a thing then more people would organize "uplifting campaigns"

You can begin this process at any time, regardless of how old you have become.

sorry can you repeat that. i was busy trying to make eye contact and act normal and didn't hear you

we need more popular music w the harmonica and the organ and the accordion and the steel pan guitar and the mandolin