maggie

One of these photos shows when I starved myself everyday. I went on runs everyday, and still hated what I saw in the mirror. I went to the pool once last summer. One time. I hated seeing myself in a bikini and I believe everyone else would be watching me. 

In the other photo, there is a girl who is so proud of herself. One who deleted all of the calorie tracking apps and one who only works out because I like the happiness and results I get from it. I don’t care about my calories, and sure as hell I will eat whatever and whenever I feel like it. 

I wanted to post an apology. Last summer I was a bad person. I posted my body pictures, I posted my weights, my workouts, and encouraged others to eat under 1200 calories a day. Im sorry. That is not the way you achieve anything. My body came from happiness, sports, and eating whatever I want. Im active and I enjoy being active, and when that was threatened to be taken away, I had to change. 

There are still days I think Im not good enough, and I’m not skinny enough, or I feel like I don’t know what my body looks like anymore. However, those are the bad days. The good days always outweigh the worst and I can’t tell you how much happier I am eating whatever I want. 

My last post was about how I gained 20 pounds and I wanted to lose it all. I don’t. I gained 15 pounds back from my og weight of pure muscle. In these pictures we’re looking at me at 119 pounds, vs me at 145. My ‘starting weight’ was 130, and I let myself go. I let myself feel happier every time I got down weights. I remember the victory I felt about hitting 119. I was stuck at 122 forever, and it felt like a God given glory to be away from 120, because 120 felt like such a high number.