musings ni sis

nagising ako nang alas tres ng umaga today. di ko matandaan kung alas tres o alas kwatro. nagising ako kasi maaga ako nakatulog kagabi, tingin ko mga bago pa mag alas nwebe. ok naman, hindi mababaw, malalim, pero nagigising pa din ako kasi mainit. nakatulog na lang talaga ako nang basta basta. laking gulat ko kasi ayoko nang hindi nagbibihis bago matulog, pero it is what it is. alam kong kapag bumangon pa ko para mag ayos nang sarili, hindi na ko makakabalik sa tulog. ayun, nagising ako nang madaling araw. unang una kong ginawa ay maligo at magbihis. nagbasa ng mga updates at behind the scenes ng The Odyssey (2026) para maaliw at nabalitaan ko ring panalo ang Spain sa World Cup 2026. nag perform din ang BTS alongside Justin Bieber tapos nakita rin ni Speed ang Bangtan. ang daming nangyayare pero pinakamaigi sa lahat ay natalo ang Argentina.

sunod naman ay nakapagligpit din ako ng kwarto: nasalansan ko nang maayos ang make up ko, napunasan ang lamesa, naimis ang laundry, at nakapagvacuum na rin. nakapag umagahan na rin ako, nagluto ng itlog at kumain ng tinapay. ngayon ay ten minutes bago mag alas otso. hindi ko alam kung iidlip ako muli o itutuloy ko na nang dire diretso. feeling ko kasi makakatulog ako mamaya dahil maaga ako nagising. anyway, binalak kong mag walk or jog kaninang umaga pero wari ko mapapagod lang ako at masyadong magiging ambisyoso na madami akong kayang gawin today tapos makakatulog lang at pagod. baka mamaya nalang matapos ang shift ko, at mamaya din matapos ang shift ko, saka ko na uupuan yung kontrata ko sa part time para maintindihan ko ang deliverables at workflow ko kada linggo. kailangan ko tong upuan dahil maooverwhelm ako if i-wing it ko lang ngayong pinakaunang linggo kasi mag susunod sunod na ang pagiging petiks ko kung sakali. kilala ko na sarili ko hahahaha.

sana maganda ang araw na ito. off to a great start naman ika nga. pero hirap kasi ako sa consistency. sabi nga ng therapist ko, seems like i'm a very resilient person. eh kasi naman, kung di ako babangon at babangon muli, wala akong patutunguhan. lagi nalang akong sarili laban sa sarili. wala eh. only way around is to fight myself. hahahaha, labo!

i need a new notebook! this week i have been training for my new work. relatively RELATIVELY easy so far. i just need to know the SOP & the ins and outs of the workplace but should be easy (and a bit fun, i guess). puts me at ease though thinking i'll be earning a bit more extra.

i finally got the verdict - i didn't get the job i thought was in the bag. not sure if i was surprised that i wasn't as disappointed. i mean, what has been taking them so long? is what i have been thinking these previous weeks. i've been talking to my friends about this, and janina just said, perhaps you're not their top pick and you should set expectations. and that's when i had my 'oh.' moment.

but anyway, as a people pleaser, i'm just disappointed for my former colleagues who took time to vouch for me - my previous supers who i haven't been much in contact yet gave a good word about me. but that's just it. other than that, i'm not as bothered, i just feel like 'ehh, wasted time'. i also thought i'd prolong it and not tell my dad who was looking forward to me working with the client's industry - but i'm starting to learn the magic of saying things immediately instead of putting if off. and apparently, it really takes the load off you (but of course timing is still important).

i have to get back to job searching again - which admittedly is tiring. am i losing hope? not much. really. i find amusement that every time i have a hunch or a certain doubt on something that is handed to me, even if it is in my favor, it also ends up not being for me. my own intuition is really my saving grace nowadays, surprisingly so. maybe the lord is telling me to trust myself with these decisions. but i need to know which is discernment or simply imposter's syndrome.

this sucks. it really pisses me off. i'm the type to keep it in and shove it down my emotion compartments but the more i age, it just doesn't sit right anymore for me to freely absorb these things. i'm too much of an empath. i know emotions are high but i'm really fuck ass tired to absorb everything and pretend to not bat an eye when really, it irks me the fuck up. in all honesty, sometimes i shrug it off knowing a person has gone through more than me, or thinking that since i have had it better, i must compromise. but i don't want to anymore. if they're comfortable throwing tantrums behind closed doors but everything is clearly still earshot, i don't think i should compromise my comfort when they didn't even thought about mine in the first place. am i being unfair? i'm really triggered by fights, like i insanely am. this pisses me off so bad. i really don't know how to spend my day as it is very much so ruined. i stayed home, in the space i rent, because i wanted to relax before the work week. anyway, again, am i being unfair? is this just a fact i need to live by knowing that i share a house with other people? and for this case, a cousin with her boyfriend living with us? she's a very close family member and i really don't mind sometimes as i love her deeply and we've shared so much. but somethings unfortunately go out of line. and i don't think i'm responsible with her meltdowns too anyway. right? the fight is still ongoing as we speak and i am very uncomfortable.

i spontaneously hit the 10k registration today instead of 5K. i wasn’t planning on this. but i wanted to set (relatively) big goals this time. i’ve realised i’m always scared. scared of going back to running, not being my best shape, committing, setting goals, knowing the numbers. may this be a step to trick and reframe my brain that these things shouldn’t be as daunting as i make it in my head.

and even if it’s unnecessary to do so, i wanted to prove that i can workout again after my major surgery. i initially really wanted to face my fears and train in the gym this year but i guess it’s just a made up goal or excuse (at least for me) to try new things and entice me to be physically active again when i in fact can go back to running anyway as it’s the cheapest sport i can do right now. and frankly speaking, there’s a lot of debt to be paid hahahaha. i can’t wrap my head around paying for a coach and a gym membership when i already have the gear and environment for running anyway.

going back, i’m excited for this one, thrilled even. i hope i can train properly for this race unlike last year. running on the skyway in the metro with hundreds of people really made me uncomfortas. and i was way too unprepared and unfit for the 10K as i was mentally and physically at my worst. i just showed up since i race annually and i’m doing it for consistency. but for this race, it feels more meaningful for a lot of things: me running back in my home court UPLB where i first learned to love the sport, the race being a fundraiser for varsity teams which i was formerly part of, and lastly, my family will be running alongside me. there’s a lot to look forward to honestly.

and this time, i have seven weeks left. i didn’t realise it’s that short, but after running 2K earlier for the first time in a very long while, i felt very optimistic and i feel like i have ample time to prepare. i don’t know what’s with today. perhaps it was the high sugar milktea i drank in the afternoon or maybe it was the new hokas in my feet! whatever it is, it did push me to go outside and ran, which in itself is already a big win. anyway, race in the home court baby. good luck to me!

well, now feels different but also feels the same. firstly, he let me meet his family deliberately and it’s the first time i saw his dad smile. i don’t even know if he knows me, but they left when i arrived and i’m just glad to have met them as it’s been a really good while. anyway, it’s just the usual catch up between us two but me asking questions about his life there as he really doesn’t keep me on loop when he’s in europe and i have to beg for updates online. but anyway, i don’t intrude anymore, i’m just curious about how life is there yknow.

dear god, marinel told me to pray specifically for the person i want in my life. for the past years, i keep denying that i don't want it, i don't want or need any relationship as i am okay with my own independence. although that has been partially true, i should stop hindering myself to dream big or ask you (or the universe rather) for something impossible. perhaps ive always questioned my worth- i would always ask: do i deserve it? probably not as it hasnt landed on my lap yet. but how would that happen if i hinder myself from even just daydreaming. i keep restraining my own self, i guess it's a means of protection i do to veer away from life's disappointments. and speaking of disappointments, let's go back to wanting a man in my life.

i might, i might want. again, might. but i am certain that i want to experience it, a genuine reciprocated love. love that will make me secured, that's it. i've never felt that, ever. reciprocated and secured. something assuring, something that i wouldn't feel like the need to compete with others. i want a man for me, dear god. i want a man who is responsible, someone who loves me more than i love him. because i believe, that's the only way it will work. and i have done the other way around, it never worked. idk, maybe that's just me.

anyway, going back, i want a responsible man. kindhearted. eager to know me and my quirks. a friend of my friends. supports me in my endeavors (as it will never work out if he doesn't anyway). would it be too greedy to ask, dear god, if i want him to have a good nose or financially wiser than me? again, a responsible man, respects the people i love. loves the things i love. as cliche as it sounds, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold as we live this timeline you have given us. a slow, steady love that yearns for more, makes me want to dream bigger, and supports me on the way to it. may this man be taller than me, bigger than me, smarter than me. i have been convincing myself thru the years that i am worthy of this man, perhaps it's time. perhaps i am, i am worthy. i am worthy of a tall, responsible, handsome man who understands me and loves me quirks and all. a man who understands my priorities, knows how to tell me if i am wrong or being irresponsible. lord, grant me a gentle man who softens my stern heart made from thin layer of ice, but very tender once pierced through.

i just watched Eternity (2025) about a week ago. and the plot says you reincarnate in the afterlife as the happiest version of yourself.

i wonder, if i die today, will i be the sophia in gangnam from may 18 2023 or the sophia in hongdae from january 31 2025? i've travelled a few countries already, with different people and in different seasons. i've felt great happiness that feels like bursting in my chest. but nothing like these two versions of me in south korea.