ramblings

Reoccurring themes in my past thoughts have been:

Living authentically

Putting myself first

Being intentional w/ my thoughts & actions

Grounding myself

Combatting negative self doubts

Validate yourself rather than looking for external validation

Do not romanticize something because you no longer have it.

Do not fill voids in your life for selfish reason

In order to execute these objectives I need to:

Soul search & find the type of person I want to be

Let go of others’ opinions

Remind yourself of what your needs are and prioritize them

Journal and make reminders of what your goals are and what you need to do execute them

Do the things that bring you joy and remind you of who you are

Block out negative self talk and combat them with logic. Affirm your truth

Do not put others’ opinions on a pedestal especially when talking about yourself

Be truthful in your actions and do not do things just because you don’t want to hurt people

However, I guess the best approach would be to constantly ground myself with ideas of who I want to be and how I want to carry myself. The type of mindset that I would like to be in and the appreciation and gratitude that I would like to have for my life, the people around me and for myself.

At times, I think “how do people do it?”. Just trust openly and trust freely. It is so tough - especially when I be battling these thoughts that I have about myself already. These things go hand in hand. So, it makes sense why it has been a harder struggle for me lately. 

I have to remind myself that these things take time, discipline and dedication. I have to remind myself to take the time to do things that feed my soul - that make me feel alive and remind me of who I am or who I would like to be. These feelings don’t just go away by themselves and if you stop doing the work, then it is only a given that you will regress. 

Your feelings aren’t a responsibility of anyone else’s. I feel that maybe the opposite was a reoccurring thought of mine because I take other’s feelings and I feel that I am responsible for how they feel, and that I am responsible for repairing it. However, someone else’s feelings ARE NOT my responsibility - just as my feelings are not another’s responsibility.

My partner (if I am to have one)  - needs to be able to have patience and be supportive through the learning process that I am going through with this. That is what I need. I often find myself not looking for what I need and looking for what others around me need. To the point where I feel drained and empty at times. I don’t have all the energy in the world and this is a fact even more so now that I’m older. 

I want to be with someone, because I like being with them, not because I feel like I need to be with them. I hate feeling needy.

Although, I consider myself an open person, I do admit a lot of the time I’m open about the things I want to be open about. It took me awhile, to start to be vulnerable. And sometimes, I hate it. I don’t like the thought of my feelings being so readily changed by someone else’s actions. The processes of falling in love… it’s beautiful. The feeling of being accepted by someone just because they love you, regardless of your many many flaws. It’s beautiful. But, the anxiety of whether or not there will be a threshold for that acceptance. The anxiety of how unexpected life can be. How feelings can change so quick, leaving you weak to being heartbroken. The chance that someone can give you all that and feel that, and take it away just like that too. It scares me. I’m scared of false words. Sometimes, I don’t know whats real and I don’t want to keep looking for validation of its authenticity, but I cant stop questioning things sometimes.

For a relationship to grow, you have to want it to grow, you have to nourish it. At the same time, I’m stuck between balancing the want for the relationship to grow and shielding myself in case something happens. 

I’m tired of worrying about us. Why can’t I just talk about the way I feel? It makes me just want to end it sometimes. I don’t know if you really love me. And it scares me. I should’ve talked to you about this. But I’m seeing you tomorrow. I hope you didn’t hang out with rachel. Why do I feel like you went back to Fully to hang out with her. You probably want something different. You probably want to talk to someone with more opinions. Someone who knows more who they are than I do.

It feels like every time I find some sort of sure answer, to a question about life, I lose it. The drive and empowerment I draw from that certainty is hands down the best part. Knowingness gives that feeling of security that people crave. But, in just an instant it can all change.

It’s always changing. The answers feel like they’re always changing. It makes it hard to just choose a path and stick wit it, you know?

I’m tired of trying to rack my brain for answers on how to be happy, if this feels right, if this is how it’s supposed to feel, what to do to be successful, if people’s intentions are true, if people really mean what they say, how to make the people around me happy, be considered responsible, be responsible. I can’t find the answers. I just want to be.

I need to just do. But, do what exactly. I just want to be okay again.

But it’s not that I’m not okay… I’m not miserable. I just feel like I can’t trust the way I feel. Or I don’t know whether to trust it. I don’t know what’s real or not anymore. I don’t know what’s worth it or not anymore. I’m so lost. Sometimes it feels like I’m always lost. I can’t whole heartedly trust what people say. It’s an unconscious thing. There’s always that little thing in the back of my being stopping me from putting my heart in. There’s that little thing telling me to keep up a little guard.