This entire semester was filled with doubt. It was the semester that would decide whether or not I can really be what I want to be. There were a lot of nights this last semester, where I stayed up and did nothing but worry about my future. Normally, I’m the kind of person who just lives day-to-day, without a care in the world about what’s going to happen next (it’s nice not having expectations). This past semester, my mind was filled with many “what ifs.” I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was really only “what if I couldn’t pass this class that almost everyone fails twice?” and “what’s going to happen when I graduate?” These two questions bothered me all semester long, it wouldn’t leave me alone.

What if I couldn’t do it? What would I do, spend a semester repeating a class and delay my graduation, just for one class. How would I stop it? I’m horrible at physics; the class itself has a 50% fail rate. I was terrified of this class, especially since I did horribly on both midterms (less than the average on both midterms which was roughly 20%). The professor has this proposition every semester, where he replaces your lowest midterm grade with your grade on the final. Now I had this crazy idea where I’d get someone to take the final for me... which was stupid and I didn’t do it. Instead, I studied. Forever. I quit a lot of hobbies for the last month and a half of the semester preparing just for this class. I walked into the final exam room, and took my exam for the full 2 hours and 15 minutes. I had never taken the full time taking a final. It actually took me an hour to solve the first problem (there were only 4 problems). In the full time, I was only able to answer 3 questions fully. Usually I don’t stick around after class to talk with other students, because I don’t want to hear what they got and doubt myself even more, but I did and it was probably the worst decision of the semester. After listening to everyone, there was little hope of me passing the class. Yet, somehow, I passed. Not even with a C, I ended up with a B. I was astounded. It completely caught me off guard, since I was so afraid to see my grades this semester.

In my Biomedical Engineering class, which I took as a technical elective. I enrolled in this course because I heard it was “easy,” and it was. It had to have been, since I got the highest grade on the first midterm, with little to no studying (don’t ever do this, it’s a horrible idea). I felt confident in that class, I didn’t need to do anymore work. I was wrong, horribly wrong. Second midterm, I was crushed, with the lowest grade. I even got an email from the professor asking me what happened. Granted I had some family issues, that I told him about it and he just told me to do better on the project and final. My group ended up getting the highest grade on the project with an 97%(? not sure he took the grades down). At that point, I was too lazy to study for the final, so I did what most students do, and calculated what I needed on the final to pass the class. I needed a 40%, and I wasn’t confident to get it. Again, I doubted myself, because I checked out of that class some time after the first midterm. And again, I surprised myself with another B. Then I realized, maybe doubt can be a good thing? Maybe I shouldn’t have all these expectations.

So what’s next? It’s my last semester at school, and I’m graduating. Finally. But what happens after? The job search... I always hear about my colleagues not having any problems finding a job, but what if I’m not as lucky as them. I’m not as confident in my skills as they are/were. You can’t study for an interview... Well you can, but you don’t really know what’s going to happen until it happens. Again, doubt. In myself, in my abilities, in my achievements. Do I deserve to be with any company... Who knows, I’m not there yet, but I’m hopeful. If I have learned anything, doubt has prepared me more than anything else for the future. I’m not afraid of what’s going to come. I just have to take a deep breath and relax.