Useless Kitchen Tools - Tools for Tools

This is just f'ing stupid.  If a butter knife is not good enough for your PB&J, then take this tool and shove it in your eye and close your head in a door.  What a f'ing waste

This is cheating.  If you can't manage to not chop your fingers off while chopping herbs you should be eating baby food through a straw and going back down to your parents basement to play pogs.  Darwin is mad again

this is the ultimate lazy.  What this is a better use for is scraping all the zits off your back and the sores off your ass from sitting on the couch all day in-between monthly showers.  Because lets be honest, no one buying this would ever even consider eating a banana.

This is just flat our blasphemous!  Really?  Microwave smores?  You lazy commie bastard!  I hope it arcs and shocks you right in the eye as you watch your stupid smore cook!

This is just way too easy.  It may protect a banana from getting bruised, but if you buy this, several things about you will also probably become bruised ... drops mic

Keeping with the theme of pizza.  Perhaps you're a minimalist and can't bear to eat with a shovel, try the next laziest option, this thing.  After you slice the no need to slice pizza, shove the whole fork and cutter in your mouth and clamp down.  But first, be sure to check blade sharpness on your tongue.

This is wrong on 100 levels.  Can you not use a knife?  Can you not place the slice of dominos on the plate inches away?  Perhaps you should return the scissors, eat the pizza whole as a burrito like a good fat 'merican and choke on your own vomit.

Definitely not a single use tool, after you're done using it, you can shove it in your ear and reel out the shit that's in your brains for buying this.  Make sure you stand real close to the grill too so that the heat lowers your sperm count.

So now that the gout has taken over your fingers and you can no longer use a knife, perhaps you can use two of your many chins to squeeze out a slice from the fat stick.

So the one time your lazy ass decides to eat a vegetable you find a way to make it lazier.  God forbid your kebabs roll around. Next time save the shrimp, eat a spoon of margarine and jump off a cliff

Feel like eating a chopped meat penis huh?  If you even think about buying this, chances are you are in the closet or you're dad's sad about your life's choices as a stripper.

Oh right, because a peeler is just way too hard to use.  Maybe they're also good for rubbing your stupid face off of your stupid head.

Just what you need for those hard strawberries out of season you buy. You know, the fruit you don't eat because it just gets in the way of the coolwhip you cover all your "healthy" food in.  It also happens to be the perfect size for your tongue, so you can slice it off and never talk to anyone again, sparing the world of your guaranteed stupidity. 

Wait, so the  basic knife isn’t enough for you?  If you need a tool to get the pit of an avocado out, perhaps you shouldn’t be holding a knife.  Don’t forget to eat the pit so that you choke yourself.

As if buying hot pockets wasn't bad enough, now you can make those piece of shits at home.  Send your kid to school with one of these and schedule a therapist appointment in the meantime for when all the other kids call their mom a lazy piece of shit.  Do yourself a favor, throw the pan away and just stick your head in the oven instead.

How about you just learn how to not burn a sauce you idiot?  Better yet, save the gas, just stick your head in the pot and run into traffic.

If you can't measure pasta with your hand, after you use this, put your nuts in there and castrate yourself, so you don't reproduce.