UrUglyBabyLooksLikeU

4. Supporting leadership that doesn’t insult our collective and individual intelligence

This was on a FB garage sale page.

I feel like we're in that episode of Futurama with the attacking brains when, for a brief moment, Fry is the most important person on the planet due to his lack of brain activity. Only in this case, Fry is Melania Trump, and because of her uniquely bad life decisions, she is in the position to change her husband's Twitter account password and save the world.

It's hard for a man who has a body like a Hefty bag of vegetable soup and a face like a pebbled leather handbag to be a 10, but if he'd just smile a little more often and sniff a little less, he could be a solid 1. 😬

I feel like I'm always trying to get all my ducks in a row. Then, I look at them and say "fuck these ducks."

Scott baio, how about the next time I hear about you, it’s an article about your death by autoerotic asphyxiation?

There was a slight, almost imperceptible shift in the world, and suddenly, people who had never before experienced self consciousness felt a little twinge inside about who they were. And it seemed suddenly possible that bigotry and hate had become unpopular. The people had to make an effort and think about their words. They were ridiculed for their beliefs and criticized for their views of the world. All seemed lost. Then came a white knight in an expensive, though ill-fitting suit. And never before had anyone spoken so freely. And the people rejoiced to hear their own private thoughts voiced by a man of such power. They slowly emerged from their caves of self-doubt and called out for him to be their ruler. Even some of the servants of the kingdom said they loved the knight, because it made them popular with the ruling class. And it well pleased the knight to point to these servants and say how happy they were under his rule. And so the people who historically had everything, regained everything once again, including freedom from responsibility for their character. No one had to worry about facts or fairness. The kingdom was restored to greatness. One hundred percent. They had the whole enchilada. And no one was happier than they, up until the day they changed the saying from "the whole enchilada" to "the whole danged cheeseburger," which was decidedly less ethnic sounding.

On the bus, is there a polite way to say "no thank you. I already rode next to an obese person today. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow”?

Wearing my hand-knit arm warmers while playing Exploding Kittens in a bid to go hipster or bust.

I have been missing the usual week morning bus driver on my route. A kindly older gentleman defying the stereotype of dangerous elderly drivers and the general uselessness of old people. This morning I learned he has been missing because he racked up his fourth accident driving said bus.

Who eats the egg ones anyway?

Happy Memorial Day! Whatever you choose to do with your day, I promise to smugly shit all over your plans with overblown declarations of accusatory patriotism. Because there is a right way and a wrong way to do this holiday, and the first person to say someone else is doing it wrong wins.

Obesity quest 2015: Left: bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin stuffed with spinach, goat cheese and garlic-onion bread stuffing with a side of garlic alfredo angel hair Right: Philly cheesesteak eggrolls. Shaved steak, American cheese, grilled onions and mushrooms

Please, please, please: No more invitations to your super fun 100% online jamberry nail wrap parties. (P.S.: While not having to see you is a selling point, there has never been, nor will there ever be such a thing as an online party.)