heart full of stars

You go on a family camping trip. Normally, you drag your feet about the forced family fun, but this time your big sister is home from college and going on the trip with you.

The ride up the mountain is normal, you're both in comfortable hiking clothes—you glance over at your sister. 

They're wearing long baggy cargo shorts that cling loosely to their hips. Hiking boots. A thin white tank top and seemingly, no bra. Interesting choice for hiking and camping but they've been wearing bras less since going to college anyways. 

Your eyes drift back up and realize they've been holding in laughter having caught you staring, again. You protest and playfully kick their shoulder with your foot. 

Then you think: no one gets you, picks on you, like your big sister does. You think about that and feel your stomach tighten before getting out and helping them transport gear to the site.

That first night, you can't shake that thought from your mind, why...why would you feel...like this about your sister. You thought them being here would make it easier. Really, it's overwhelming. 

So overwhelming, you wait till everyone has laid down in their tents. You watch your big sister's light turn off from inside their tent. Part of you wishes you could turn the light off for them and share the same sleeping bag, just for warmth and closeness.

But you let go of the thought, try to surrender it to the warm glowing embers. Squeeze your eyes really hard and think of anything else, you try and try. Realize...you can't. You have to do something. And...after all, everyone is asleep. 

Eyes darting around and ears listening for any changes in breathing patterns, you unbutton your shorts and reach your hand into your panties. 

Glance over to Annie's tent and then look away, feeling the pit of shame burrowing deeper. Your cheeks feel flushed or maybe it's the warmth from the slowly dying fire, or both. 

It feels really good to let yourself enjoy it. And with shame doubling over again, you hear the crunch of leaves slowly crumbling underfoot.

You fumble your hand out of your shorts and try to quickly zip them up when you see and feel your sister's hands stop you. 

"Oh um, Annie I was just...I was reading—"

\quad "Shhh, Mira" you feel their the weight of their hand come to rest behind your shoulder, gripping the back of your camping chair, getting in close.

"Seriously it's okay" they whisper, breath hot against your ear "you don't...have to be embarrassed uhm..." their face falls and they glance to the side, maybe afraid to meet your eyes.