Until the Colors Bleed Gray

I owe you guys an apology, and want to offer some transparency (TW: Mentions of suicide and self harm) - So like I alluded to before, I know how crappy it can be to follow something and have the creator go ghost on you, and yet lo and behold here I am, nearly half a decade later looking back at how I did exactly that. For the long absence, the lack of commitment, and at the very least, the failure to communicate these things, I sincerely apologize. I hope the years have treated you guys well, because I like to think that's what they've done for me. As you may recall, my last update post was a bit of a downer, talking about my declining mental health (been there, done that, wrote the remix) and how I was recommended to take a step back from the game and the community. That was of course, with the expectation I'd return eventually, and now five years later... Well, here we are. I'll be honest, I had a tough time: with depression, anxiety, ocd (let's go surprise diagnoses!!), and suicidal thoughts, plans, and urges. There were a lot of days where I had an almost Lego Movie master builder vision of how to put a stop to things. As you can see, it didn't happen, but every day was a struggle with it, some days being harder than others, sometimes resulting in me harming myself. Woof. But, not everything was bleak! I actually got into my dream college, and completed a double major bachelor's degree this past year! While previously said struggles were still ongoing and strong during my time at college, there was another reason for my hesitance to return to UtCBG... That being a deeply profound shame and embarrassment because oh my gosh what was I even writing? I won't dog on it too hard, I mean, I made it and still love it because of that, and if you're reading this, you have a 50% chance of having had some investment in it, and far be it from me to yuck someone's yum, but man, this was baby's first story committment and you can really tell. From the writing style, to the concepts, to the plot (would you believe me if I had an 1800s American time loop as part of the lore???), it was honestly just a hot mess, and so a lot of times, even up to now, I struggle with the desire to see this story through without the heavy rewrites I'd personally require to get through it, which I'm sure fans of the original work may not enjoy.

Where's the game bro - So, my hope is you read bullet point number 1 for context, but I understand not wanting to, so let me give a quick recap: This story, from its writing to its plot to its workload (damn look at all them ROs), is a mess that I have given a lot of thought to redoing if I ever continued it. I know that may obviously disappoint people who followed this story for its original concept, and I don't want to invest a crazy amount of time and effort on something people may no longer have interest in, so like, idk, let me know your thoughts. TLDR though is that I don't have any current plans to continue UtCBG (I have other committments), but the concept of this game isn't dead to me, just don't expect a chapter 2 coming any time soon lol.

Thoughts on the COG community and drama - Honestly I have no idea what happened after I left. All I know is that something happened and some people left the community and a discord server was deleted(?), so if you're looking for a juicy scoop from me, then I'm afraid you will remain starved because I'm equally as clueless! (Feel free to let me know if anything crazy happened though) I know I engaged in some ~discourse~ back in the day, and while I'm not really looking to rehash things, I just thought you might like to know that my opinions, as well as my brain, have developed over the years, and my bottom line is that as long as you're not being a jerk, you do you. Sorry, I know that wasn't a very exciting update, but I'd like to think I've mellowed out from the whole discourse thing.

I still make games! - So, funnily enough, I was introduced to a game-making club while at college, and fell back into developing games. For those of you who know me as the ask yapper author who can't even push out a chapter 2 (It's okay you can flame me for it, I acknowledge my weak grindset), you'll be surprised to learn I've made several fully finished games, mostly visual novels! I won't link anything here because I'm not looking to springboard my current gigs off of the corpse of this blog because that's lame-o behavior, but if you're really invested in it, it isn't hard to search up my username and find me, so like *shrugs*.

All that being said, I truly and deeply hope that things have gone well for whoever is reading this and want you to know I sincerely cherish your past support to this day. I'm sorry if this isn't the comeback one would hypothetically hope for, but I hope nonetheless that it may bring some closure to the subject.

See you if I see you!